Post # 17
My DH says I clean things that “aren’t even dirty.” So I remind him that germs are invisible. We have two cats, so vacuuming once a week is a necessity and we could probably stand to do it twice a week. I am with the other posters who recommend giving him a choice of which chores to do so he will be more apt to do them. Also, I hope he doesn’t start to clean the litterbox less than once a week or you could be dealing with some unhappy cats and new places to clean….
Post # 18
He has actually dropped to less than once a week at times, but I’ve gotten very upset when that has happened, so he hasn’t done that in a while. Generally when I ask him to do it (this is the only chore that’s entirely his – and trash most of the time), he says, “It doesn’t smell” and I either say “It does” (I am more sensitive to smells) or “I would like it taken care of BEFORE our house smells like cat.”
ETA: Ironically, he is anti-germ as a former scientist. So a messy kitchen will bother him sooner than a dusty house (which has never bothered him) or a pile of dirty clothes. That said, when we had a mold incident in the bathroom, it didn’t bother him, nor does a dirty tub/toliet, so it’s only some types of germs that bother him. Namely in the kitchen.
Post # 19
Ordinarily when one spouse has higher standards of orderliness/cleanliness than the other, I think that the neater spouse needs to either let some things go or else accept that they will be doing more of the chores.
… But that’s when – for example – the neater spouse feels like the house isn’t clean unless s/he can see vacuum tracks and the “messier” spouse is okay with vacuuming twice a month or so… NOT when the messier spouse doesn’t want to do ANY chores and thinks living in filth is an option. That’s just ridiculous.
Make a list of all the chores that need to be done daily, weekly, and monthly. Ask him which chores he finds the least offensive and ask him to do those. If he refuses, tell him you will be hiring a cleaning person to do a monthly “deep clean” because while you are okay with doing some chores (like all adults should be, even if it’s not your choice way to spend the day…) you aren’t willing to continue doing everything and nor are you willing to live in an episode of Hoarders.
Post # 20
This is absurd.
Appeal to him on the platform that you’re simply not going to put up with it anymore, I understand that he’s in a funk, life is getting him down and that even watching you take care of your house wears him out…that’s just too fucking bad….because this isn’t just about cleaning, or dishes or a cat box…it’s about pride in your home, care and concern for the things and people in it and respect for each other to make your shared space a happy, peaceful refuge from the outside world.
You two are supposed to be partners, and be able to count and lean on each other as needed in any capacity, because we all need a helping hand now and then…I would tell him that I’m quite finished with two things:
1. Living in a stye
2. Arguing about who is going to clean it up.
So you are going to clean and pick up and scrub and dust until your house feels like a place you want to be in and he can either:
2. Shut the hell up about it because its happening.
Post # 21
Fiance and I do not like cleaning, but we have found that it works best when we both clean at the same time. We don’t have to be doing the same thing, but if we both clean for the same length of time we feel that we are doing it equally even if I clean the kitchen, living room, and bathroom when he just does the office (yeah, you don’t want to know how messy the office was). Cleaning at the same time also prevents one of us from feeling guilty for sitting around while the other works.
Post # 22
Neither of us likes to clean. But I need to have it clean; he doesn’t. He also doesn’t do as good of a job as I do. Cleaning is just a half assed chore that I make him do, so I’d rather just do it myself. Perhaps you can just give him a few things that he’s fully responsible for. Maybe taking out the trash, vacuuming and doing yard work.
Post # 23
I do all of the chores in our house because I don’t work, so when my husband gets home, we get to just enjoy each other’s company. We are still able to save for retirement as well as short term savings because we are able to eat out less, cook from scratch, etc., which saves us money on our food bill.
Post # 24
Thanks guys, I appreciate the support that something ought to change, however, the problem is in actually effectuating any change. Welcome suggestions on that end. We’ve been over this ground A LOT with no successful resolution. It’s a tough topic to even bring up now, as we both have strong emotions around it at this point and both feel misunderstood/unsupported/unhappy.
FYI for all those suggesting mowing, gardening and yard work – we have a condo, and the condo association takes care of those chores.
Post # 25
@kay01: Chores he thinks we should do a lot less frequently: Sheets, cat litter, toliet
Well, I say let him poop in the toilet for a week and a half an never flush and see how he likes it since he wants to do the same to the cat (and let’s see if he’d let cleaning go on it then as well). Even once a week is teetering on the edge of disgusting for not cleaning out the litter box.
If he doesn’t like you cleaning because he’s too lazy to he really just needs to shut up because honestly at least you’re doing it. If it fatigues him then he needs to leave when you clean or man up and help. Then you will get it done sooner and he can regain his composure faster.
Post # 26
Maybe he’s intimidated by chores?
Sometimes people don’t know how to do things, or have never done then, and don’t realize that chores are not hard at all. Seriously.
Maybe you need to show him how to do all of your chores once, and then you and him can choose which chores you do, and which chores he does (don’t let him choose the easiest ones! make things fair!). I would then give him accolades and gold stars for putting in work. You don’t think you should/need to, but guess what? Whatever gets results…
(ps: if your house is super dirty, maybe it would be a good idea to hire a professional cleaner to do a thorough cleaning from top to bottom, and then you and him can keep up the tidiness afterwards?)
Post # 27
No, he knows how to do the chores and will do a perfectly reasonable job of them when he does them, even if we have our tweaks such as I would put the dishes in the dishwasher a different way. Accolades work a little because if I don’t give them, he seems to think I don’t notice what he’s done and therefore have not given him appropriate credit for helping to keep the place clean. Nevermind that he doesn’t notice when I do things like wipe down the bathroom or kitchen counters. He genuinely doesn’t seem to notice things like dust, even when I point it out to him.
(House is also not currently super dirty – although I’d like to magically remove all of the cat hair, as I have no idea how I can get rid of it one day and the next it’s back again, I keep it clean enough that it’s otherwise in a generally acceptable condition on a day to day basis. It’s only 1000 sq. feet and it’s just me, DH, and DH’s cat at the moment, so it’s not unmanageable.)
Post # 28
hm. Then…. that sucks : S
Sorry about your situation!
Post # 29
Heres my soulution to his laziness…Its going to come off as extremely snarky, but its honestly solutions.. somethings you can change.. some not…
Cleaning schedule (roughly):
- Dishes Use paper plates,cups and plastic utensils.. no dishes to do anymore
- Load & empty dishwasher never.. your throwing away after you eat
- Floor – Put down paper, taht way you never have to vacuum, toss paper after a week(unless thats to tiring for him also… Or get rid of the cat…
- Vacumn small carpet – Paper solution also
- Mop floor – IMO this should be done without a doubt once a week! so no around this…
- Tub – IMO again this shoujld be done once a week
- Toliet – Again once a week
- Sheets (please do not judge), Buy like 4 sets and keep swaping them out until they get washed
- Cat litter (DH does) – You start doing it.. or Get rid of the cat.. no more dealing with dirty liter
- Laundry – 2-3 loads every 1.5-2 weeks(<- I wanna learn how its only 2-3 loads for 1.5-2 weeks.. i would love that.. unless your going naked or wearing dirty undies..)
- Trash out – 1-2x a week
- Dusting – Weekly
- Clean inside of fridge 2-3x a year
- Clean microwave inside 1/year
Post # 31
She was joking, I think.
You need to tell your husband that he has to do one of two things: either act like an adult and let you clean, or act like an adult and clean with you.
In our house, I empty the dishwasher and put dishes away, but I don’t like to fill the dishwasher, so my husband does that. He hates putting dishes away, so this works perfectly. I do the laundry because he hates it. He fixes things and vacuums when he feels like it. I vacuum more often, but I don’t mind. I clean the cat box (once a week — you should get the World’s Best Cat Litter — it literally doesn’t smell).
I want to know why you have so many dishes. We run the dishwasher about once a week — when it’s full.