(Closed) Chores… what do I do?

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Talk about it now! Before it becomes too habit.

Make a list of the normal weekly and daily chores.

The calmy say something like “I feel like I have been handling most of the chores and I would like to work out a shared schedule because i want more time to spend with you”  Then sit with the list and decide on a routine or sharing schedule.

Just make sure you are calm when you address it because using phrases like “you dont do anything” or the tone of your voice will be more likely to turn it into a point of contention instead of an easy scheduling conversation.

I had to do this with my FH after moving in after a few months. Everyone once in a while we need to have a “reminder” conversation about holding up our ends. Usually its him, but once he reminded me I needed to be better about picking my clothes in the bedroom.

Post # 4
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

yeah…this sounds like me and my hubs after we first got married.  we lived together and he didnt stop helping around the house until after we got married but that is another post..

anyways.  you have to stop doing everything.  i used to nag and complain and then i got tired of nagging and complaining.  so, i started doing everything except what i decided in my head he should be helping me with.  i wont lie to you.  there were several very gross weeks in there.  after a while, he got so disgusted that he started helping.  now, he mops, does the dishes (when i cook), and puts away the laundry without me asking.  for us, “chore discussions” just werent working.

Post # 5
Member
662 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - The Mountain Terrace, Woodside, CA

We lived together as roommates and friends for a couple years before we started dating, so this never has been an issue for us, except the fact that we’re both lazy, haha! Maybe you guys could make a list of all the chores first, then sit down and decide who will handle what? Or maybe what we’ve been trying lately: for 15 minutes when we get home from work, 3 days a week we both just clean whatever needs cleaning. Some days it’s dishes, other days just picking up clutter. Then it doesn’t matter who is doing what, we’re both just doing what needs to be done for a set amount of time, so then at the end of the time period we can cook dinner and just enjoy the rest of our evening without the cleaning hanging over our heads.

Hope you guys are able to come up with a solution that works for you. Communication about your expectations is key–you shouldn’t ever have to feel like a maid!

Post # 6
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’ve gone two different ways with this. The first was passive agressive–not doing anything–but it eventually got to the point where it wasn’t bothering him and I couldn’t stand it. And to be honest, it caused more than a few fights.

The way that has been working for us, as kid like as it seems, it a chore chart. We only have one day off together, Sunday, so I made sure that day had nothing but dinner and dishes, and the weekdays are just dinner, dishes and vaccuuming. Saturday, which I have off, I do a good cleaning on the first floor, and he does the same thing on the second floor on Mondays along with outside stuff like grass and the laundry. It works out pretty fair because we only use one of the rooms on the second floor, and during the week all we have to really do is clean up after ourselves. Even though we are obviously both adults, having it written out is making us more accountable.

I would just sit down with your SO and come up with a gameplan that works best. Figure out if one of you likes doing something, or is too OCD about the way something is done to let the other do it, etc.

Post # 7
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think what really helped my husband realize chores is that I would make sure to mention to him when I was doing them chores.  

For example, on a Friday night when he would want to go out, I would say, Ok, but we can’t stay out too late because I have to get up and do laundry.  or, Before we leave for dinner, let me take out the trash.  Try to get him aware of the chores first otherwise he may not be seeing how much you really do and he may not see a need to discuss anything.  

Just make sure he understands that this isn’t because you are lazy, but having his help would allow you to relax and spend more time with HIM.  

 

Post # 8
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I moved into my hubby’s place so he was used to doing everything, and actually had a hard time letting me pitch in.

But I agree with the others, just talk to him about it. Or simply ask him one day. Say “I’m busy doing this, do you mind taking out the trash?” or doing the dishes, etc.

Post # 9
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

I’m really lucky, in that he likes the place neat and is very happy to clean and help.  But sometimes I say things like, “If I do the dishes, do you mind vacuuming?” or “hey, I’ll clean the bathroom if you’ll mop the floors”.  I find that works pretty well in divying up the work.

Post # 10
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

We had to deal with this a few weeks into our marriage as it was causing tensions.  He was frustrated that everything wasn’t getting done, I felt like I was doing it all.  We sat down and looked at things and here is the breakdown we came up with.   May not work for everyone but works for us.  Of course, we switch it up a bit if one of us is overwhelmed or particularly busy.

ME

  1. Grocery shopping
  2. Cooking
  3. Packing lunches & making coffee
  4. Changing bed
  5. Sorting through junk mail
  6. Buying household items as needed

HIM

  1. Taking out trash/recycling & emptying trash cans
  2. Laundry
  3. Getting gas/oil changes/repairs
  4. Paying bills

CLEANING LADY

  1. Thorough cleaning of house every other week

Post # 11
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Just like pumpkinspicechai we decided to divvy up the tasks so that we each have our own things to take care of. It makes it easier instead of saying “its your turn to __________” Here is how it breaks down

Me
1.clean living room
2.clean dining room
3. do dishes/clean kitchen
4. clean front hall bathroom

Him
1.clean bedroom and guest bedroom
2. do laundry
3. clean basement
4. clean cat litter

Both of us have to vacuum our designated areas. Then I usually take out the trash because I remember more often but if I am running late in the morning I will jsut remind him to take it out before he leaves for work. In terms of taking care of our pets we just do it by whoever is able to do it in the morning and whoever gets home first in the afternoon! We used to try to do “I cleaned the kitchen this time so you clean it next time” type of thing with all spaces in our house but since I was doing most of the cleaning it wasnt working. This system is SO much better.

Post # 12
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Ask your Darling Husband what chores he would prefer to be in charge of and schedule a cleaning date. Make a list of what errands need to be run and ask him to handle 1/2 of them, letting him choose which ones he prefers.

Post # 13
Member
10287 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I do everything. I’m one of those “if I want it done right, I’ll do it myself” type of girls. If we have to REALLY clean (like parents are coming over) then he will help me but for the most part, I handle everything and I dont really mind.

After coming home from working all day, Fiance goes straight into his office and works on stuff for his own software company, so the poor guy works ALOT. I would never ask him to vacuum after putting in a 70 hour work week. I work full time as well but I also don’t do much after work besides catch up on the previous nights TiVo’ed wedding shows! 

Post # 14
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Here’s what I do:

When I’m about to start doing a chore, I say to him “While I’m clearing up the kitchen, could you please empty the garbages?”

or “While I do the laundry, will you please mow the lawn?”

He’s big into things being 50/50, and he realizes that he’d look like a total jerk if he chooses to sit on his butt while I’m doing chores. It works EVERY time! And now he’s started pulling it on me, too. Haha, I’ve created a monster!

Post # 15
Member
1871 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

STOP doing everything!

For every other couple but us doing a chore list is great. But FWIW, we don’t really segregate chores. We’re fine with either noticing what needs to get done and doing it ourselves (and not resenting the other person for NOT doing it) or if we think we are going to resent the other person, asking straight up front for help and/or for them to do it. For big projects, like cleaning out the basement or something, we generally schedule that in.

But the big thing is communication. DO NOT let this spiral into a passive-aggressive situation. Be honest with yourself and Darling Husband about your true cleaning habits. I, for example, am not a file-r. I pile and group. This bothered Darling Husband for a while, but the key was not trying to turn me into a file-r; it was to buy a bunch of boxes and bins so that all my piles were at least out of sight. Both of us hate doing dishes so our deal is that when one person is doing them, the other has to be in the kitchen with them–cooking, cleaning up other things, or just keeping them company so it’s not so much of a chore. Sounds weird, but it works for us and resolved a lot of fights about who left what in the sink and who *should* be doing the dishes!

Post # 16
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

My man and I split things up, but we pretty much have an “unwritten” rule that he does the “man” stuff and I do the “lady” stuff lol. Meaning he gets to do all the grose or dirty stuff and I pretty much do the rest. Hey it works for us!

HIM: Take out the trash, Clean the garbage bin, Do the recycling, Scrub the toilets, Clean up the dog poo, Change the kitty litter, Bath the dog, Maintain the vehicles, Take care of yard work

ME: Do the laundry, Cook our meals, Do the grocery shopping, Make lunches, Clean the rest of the bathrooms, Make the bed, Keep the livingroom & dining room clean, Clean the windows, Vaccum, Sweep, Dust, etc.

In our relationship I get most of the chores, but he works more hours so it evens outs. If he has days off then we usually share jobs and he’ll help me do a good clean of the whole house once every two weeks. The biggest thing for our routine was setting expectations of each other early on. We made sure it was clear that we each had our own responsibilities when it came to getting the chores done.

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