(Closed) Christian Bee that got saved almost 1 yr ago still struggling

posted 5 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Okay, So, just for clarity, your ex-fi forced you to have sex with him (rape). And now you are struggling with “not being a virgin”?

First, if you were raped, you are still pure. Period. Regardless of the anatomical details of what happened, I am fairly certain that God, in all his goodness, would consider you pure. Purity means a lot more than not having a penis enter your vagina. It is about thought processes and actions, and has more to do with how you live everyday life, than sex. Someone forcing you to have sex with them is not your fault or your action, it is theirs.

Second, if you are not seeing a therapist right now, I think you really need to. Your history of depression coupled with these assaults is troubling, and I think you need to take some time to work through those feelings. And for heavens sake get out of your abusive parents house any way you can. Stay with friends, people in your church, anyone!

Third, if you are not comfortable with your church I encourage you to find a new one. I am catholic, and really hated my old Catholic Church. It felt stiff, ritual based, and cold. I found a new Catholic Church which focuses a lot on the word, the homily, singing, and fellowship; and I love it. I encourage you to find the right church for you too, regardless of the sect it ends up being.

ETA: I see you are currently seeing a therapist, not just in the past. How often are you going? Have you discussed the assaults with her?

Post # 5
5226 posts
Bee Keeper

I am so sorry about what happened to you. I was not a virgin when I met my husband. I regret that to a degree(I have a beautiful daughter I will never be sorry about, so I can’t say I am 100% sorry). I stood on this verse when I knew I’d be marrying him though:


Rev 21:5 Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me  “Write, for these words are true and faithful.”


FWIW, I see no reason why you can’t continue to go to your Catholic church for services. Why not do both? I know there are some strong opinions about the Catholic church in some protestant churches, but I personally feel that is just division in the body of Christ, and serves no purpose. We can argue peripheral issues all day, The bottom line is Christ and his death and resurrection, which both churches believe.


Congrats on your engagement OP! May you and your future husband have many long, blessed years together ๐Ÿ™‚


Post # 6
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@nelia.riley:  I’m sorry that you are going through this, and I’m really glad to see you do discuss all of this with your therapist. I understand that money is tight, but I also don’t think you can afford to live life like this. I strongly suspect that if your parents are physically and verbally abusive, that is a large part of you having a hard time opening up to people. If you grow up being treated like, and told, you were unimportant and uninteresting, you will interact with others like you are. 

Do you have a job right now? What about a plan for the next year or two? Sometimes planning how to make life better, actually makes life easier to handle. 

Also I noticed you connected your fb with your weddingbee account. Just be aware that people will be able to connect your real name with your posts.

Post # 7
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Please, please, please recognize that rape was not your choice. It was a violation of you and your body. You give up your virginity when you choose to make love with someone, the key word being Choose. Your fiance should recognize that, and the first time that you sleep with him will still be special because it is the first time that you have chosen to be with someone. 

I am also a Christian, and I know that many churches have “Small Groups” or “Mid Sized Communities.” Find a small Bible study or a group that meets outside of Sunday mornings and get to know some people within the community. Going to the first few sessions will be hard since it is hard to hide in a Bible study of 8 people, but the benefits definately outweigh the difficulties. The girls in my small group are some of my closest friends within the church and I can talk to them about anything. They will support you and pray for you, and everyone needs to have people that they are close to within the church. 

You need to sit down with your fiance and tell him your concerns about how you are feeling with regards to your virginity. He probably knows you better than anyone, and it’s your marriage that this is going to affect. Discuss your expectations for your wedding night. Discuss what you will do if you get PTSD flashbacks. If he doesn’t support you and love you through this, then he’s not the right man for you. 

Good luck. And remember, God listens. He wants to be your best friend. He’s your Father. So praying about it never hurts. It might just help. 

Post # 10
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@nelia.riley:  Okay gotcha, that makes more sense. I wish you guys the best of luck, just remember to talk openly about your feelings to your Fiance, and that you always have him to lean on if things at your parents get worse.

Post # 11
7685 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@nelia.riley:  I agree with other posters – being raped is not a choice. I am so sorry you have gone through this. There is absolutely no need to add guilt to the pain – you have still “saved yourself for marriage” because you have not given yourself to anyone. And I am sure your fiance sees you that way, which is the main thing anyway.

p.s. If you’re posting using your real name, it might be a good idea to change your username. 

Post # 13
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m so sorry you lived through that but, you are still a virgin. Losing your virginity is a WILLFUL act. If there was no consent, you are still a virgin.

Post # 16
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Any religion that makes someone feel guilty and ashamed of being raped is absolutely abhorrent. You didn’t do anything wrong. To think that you feel less “pure” now is so sad. 

I don’t have any advice, at least any that you would welcome given your beliefs. I just wanted to express my sympathy and wish you well.

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