(Closed) Christian Bee that got saved almost 1 yr ago still struggling

posted 6 years ago in Christian
Post # 18
1990 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Follydust321:  Oh honey, you are NOT damaged goods… You have been through a lot of terrible things and I am so sorry you have suffered and continue to suffer with the effects of them BUT you have Jesus now and are born again into a NEW LIFE with Him…

Here are some of my favorite verses I think apply to all new Christians but ESP to you as you have been through unimaginable things…

Proverbs 3:5-6 = Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Isaiah 41:10 = So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

John 16:33 = “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

 So you see, you are RENEWED when you repent and you are REBORN in this new faith you have!  The past does not matter – You need to forgive yourself as Jesus has forgiven you and move forward with your new loving Fiance away from your abusive family and start living a Christ-centered life of hope and love… 

I was raised to wait and was a virgin when I met my husband (18yo) but we were intimate less than a year into our relationship… we gave into temptation as sinners do and were repentant but I justified it as he truly was the one I wanted to marry, we were just too young to marry!  Anyway, 7 years later we actually did get married (he is from the UK so we were long distance that whole time) and I know I can’t change the past but I can ask for forgiveness and try better next time…

You and your Fiance are virgins as far as I am concered… sex is WAY MORE than just intercourse, its God’s wedding gift to marriage!  It is a deep, loving connection that brings you and your Darling Husband close on a level that is unacheivable any other way.  By this definition, I believe you are a virgin 100% AND you are born again and will stay pure with your Fiance until your wedding night so that is DEFINITELY virgin material! You love this man and he loves you and you will be wonderful together in a God centered marriage.  I am so excited for you to have a positive relationship in your life!

That brings me to my next bit of advice… surround yourself with people who lift you up.  If you’re shy and having a hard time connecting at church, join a bible study or a small group and try to remember you’re all there for the same reason and loved by the same God so you’re brothers and sisters in Christ and should be welcoming and loving to each other!  I wouldn’t hesitate to find a church you feel comfortable with or joining a Christian women group locally.

I go to a bible study called BSF and its WONDERFUL to meet fellow believers and learn more about the bible and God’s love – try to find one in your area!  https://www.bsfinternational.org/


Post # 19
313 posts
Helper bee

Hi OP, I just replied on another thread to you ๐Ÿ˜› Ditto to what was said above. You are pure; there was no willful act of giving yourself away. (But FWIW, even if you had, God is merciful and forgiving!) I can’t add much beyond what was said above on that topic.

But Catholics ARE Christians. Maybe your Catholic church wasn’t a great one…but make no mistake that we are Christians. ๐Ÿ™‚ I would encourage you to find another Catholic church in your area and get connected with a Young Adults group. Try going to Mass there in addition to services at the Bible church with your Fiance. You might be surprised how different one parish can be to another, but still have the same Faith. Prayers for you!!

Post # 20
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN

@nelia.riley:  You are still pure. Your Fiance loves you. Congratulations on your salvation and upcoming nuptials.

Post # 21
31 posts

Like others have said, it was against your will so I would consider you to still be pure. No one can defile you, it’s about whats in your heart and the choices you make. 

But, even if you willfully had sex, Jesus makes ALL things new! I believe He would consider you to be pure even if you had made a willful choice to have sex.


Post # 22
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Can I just add: this whole emphasis on “virginity” is not from Bible teaching, as far as I can see. The Bible does say to avoid sex outside marriage, but it is always in terms of a wilful act. I can’t think of any Bible passage which condemns a woman (or man for that matter) for being raped. We can debate whether or not you’re a virgin (I think you are, in your heart), but it’s pointless: the Bible teaching on sex isn’t about whether or not you’re a virgin – it’s about what you willingly do.

Post # 23
1002 posts
Bumble bee

Take a look at The Purity Myth (book or documentary).  There is no biological definition of virginity.  The idea of the hymen being broken – or “popping the cherry” – during the first act of vaginal intercourse is not accurate.  Not only is this something that does not happen for all women, but it is also something that can happen for some women from other things, depending entirely on their individual anatomy.

If your first consensual act of intimacy being with your husband is important to you, then congratulations – that’s still going to happen, because you have not been consensually intimate previously.

Post # 23
84 posts
Worker bee

Hey, I’m a health educator and a rape crisis counselor.  I’m no longer a Christian(I converted to Judaism) but I hope you’ll listen to my experience and take what you can.

I was saved at 16, and I believed whole heartedly in the “purity gospel”, too.  So I know those feelings.

After I wasn’t a born-again Christian any more, I lost my virginity at 19, to someone I didn’t love.  I have never regretted it; I chose someone good, kind and respectful, who treated me well, and it was lovely.  I was not any different having had sex.  I didn’t “give him a gift”, I didn’t “lose my heart to him”, none of that.  It was just a milestone.  

Being raped, however, was different.  That changed me, in ways I couldn’t even see.  It’s so odd to me, looking back, since I was already a rape crisis counselor when I was raped, and there really wasn’t anything grey about it.  But I didn’t do any of the things I would have advised a friend to do- that I had advised so many people to do.  I didn’t report it for nine months.  

Being violated, repeatedly, by someone you thought you could trust, will do more damage to your heart and soul than plain old sex will.  Any time.  And it leaves a filth and a shame that make no sense and words cannot erase.  Your heart and soul are what matter, not the state of your hymen.  You didn’t have sex.  You were assaulted.  And if my vibes are coming in correctly, you are finding ways it was your fault, you shouldn’t have been dating him, you should have been purer.  Well, he lied to you, love.  He wanted to hurt you.  Your purity was not a match for his hatefulness and evil.  

Anyway, I’m so, so, so sorry for what happened in your life.  I know that the standard line is that Jesus will make you white as snow, and sometimes people feel that if they’re not white as snow, it’s their fault.  Well, let me be honest:  Being saved cannot erase the horror in your mind.  If you feel more stress because you feel like you should feel better already, please let it go.  We are all only human, and that is one of the best things I learned from Christianity.

Here are some things you can do, if you want to:

Talk to RAINN, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network.  http://www.rainn.org 1-(800)-656-HOPE (4673) It’s free, and they are happy to listen and give you support and information. They want to hear from you, and made a huge difference for me and plenty of other people I know.

Message me, or one of the other Bees who have chimed to support you- there are some lovely ladies here, and we care about you.

Emphasize this with your therapist. I really think you should be seeing them more than once a month- trust me, I definitely know how hard it is, but this needs to be a priority.

Consider sex education, or talk to your doctor- preparing for a sex life with your husband is important, and can be doubly difficult. It very well may not just fall into place.

Give yourself permission to dismiss unhealthy messages; this purity message is meant well, but it catches women in your situation with a backhand across the face when they’ve already been hit by a bus. People are not infallible; only God is infallible.  They can mean well, but be dead wrong, and completely misapply a teaching. Purity teachings are for people who are tempted into sin in the eyes of the church. Being abused and raped is no sin and never was; you never set yourself up for it, and what you feel is a mere echo of the guilt and shame that criminal has earned. It is not yours.

Finally, and perhaps most controversial, please consider reporting him to the authorities, or requesting a restraining order, since you said he’s still interested in you. That sounds scary to me, and my choice to report was the beginning of my healing. You also mentioned that he has done this to others. That is not right. Please know that you are certainly not required to report, for yourself or others; it’s just a consideration that might work for you. RAINN was really, really helpful in helping me first choose to report and then hooking me up with a counselor who was with me, along with my best friend, as I talked to the cops. (Who were wonderful!!)

I’m sending my prayers and all my love. I know you will survive, and grow, and thrive.

Post # 24
949 posts
Busy bee

I’m late in the game, but wanted to offer my support.

Sexual assault is never the fault of the victim! If you feel up to it, I would stronly suggest reporting your abuser to the authorities and finding out if a protective order of some kind might be applicable in your case.

Secondly, talk to your Fiance. As a previous poster mentioned, talk to him about what your triggers are, and if there’s something he can do to help you when/if you have PTSD flashbacks. He sounds like a good man, and most good men I know will want to know if there’s something they can do to make their loved one feel better.

Post # 25
1211 posts
Bumble bee

Ummm since nobody brought it up, have you reported this guy to the police? If he raped you and 23 other women then he needs to be in jail. Have you pressed charges or reported him?

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