(Closed) Christian/Baptist/Believer Bees… Who Didn't Wait. Discussion.

posted 6 years ago in Christian
Post # 16
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

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iDreamofJune:  Huh, funny response.  I actually did save sex for marriage.  I was just trying to find common ground in our opinions and to explain why I waited.  I felt it was important that the day I committed to my husband be the day of our wedding.  I didn’t want the wedding to be a mere formality.

Post # 17
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22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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oneofthesethings:  It is not really a secret. Our family knows, and our friends in California know. Last time I checked, a marriage was between God, my Husband, and me. It isn’t anyone else’s right to judge, and quit frankly, I don’t care if they do. My husband and I have been extremely blessed for our decision. 

Post # 18
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am sorry I didn’t respond to this sooner, as I just received an email notification today.

The wedding is very important to me. We want the opportunity to share our vows with our family and friends. Our wedding invitation actually says a “celebration of the marriage.” We are not trying to fool anyone. 

Had I not needed to move 1100 miles, we wouldn’t have done it this way. We prayed about it a lot, and it was the best option for us. 

Post # 20
Member
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I didn’t wait. My religious reasoning was thus:

– Much in the Bible was relevant to a certain time and place… a time when it made more sense to avoid shellfish, or to observe other taboos. These rules were designed to protect women in a patriarchal society from being used and left with a child to support, in the days before birth control. Now, we not only have birth control, but women are in a better situation.

– G-d is a father… why would your father not want you to have sex (aside from the obvious… disease, pregnancy etc)? It’s because of the emotional damage that engaging in deep relationships before you are mature enough for them can do to both you and your partner… so that’s a good reason to wait until you are older. But you know when you are ready.

I should also say that I think we live in a society where we have disposable clothes, food… everything. We have learned to take and take, and I’m not a fan of sleeping around because that treats people as if they are disposable as well.. as if one can be simply swapped for another. It seems disrespectful to your fellow human. I’ve also seen how it can lead to hurt feelings… and I will also say that I’ve seen more men hurt than women, so this isn’t a gender thing. My feelings about this apply equally to both genders. However, sex within a committed relationship is completely different to this.

I should also say that abstainance is just not a “thing” in the UK. It’s not really a concept that most people (including most mainstream Christians) really understand. There is also a lot of pressure to have sex… I know people who waited until they were in their mid to late 20s and then really struggled to find partners, simply because the people they dated wondered if they had some sort of dark secret reason why they were still a virgin, and decided to stay clear. So I must say that, sadly, that pressure did affect me. I didn’t want to make myself “undateable”.

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Stace126:  “(a girl I worked with had a son before she got married, but her Catholic priest still baptized him and later married the couple). This would be UNHEARD of in the Catholic churches I attended. Where I went, you weren’t even allowed to take communion if you were divorced!”

I’m confused… a Catholic priest is not allowed to deny a baby baptism, or to deny you marriage, even if you are living together. He CAN deny you communion if you are divorced, because the church does not recognise divorce, and therefore you have abandoned your spouse and sinned in their eyes. If you have the marriage annulled using the proper Catholic procedure, you may take communion again.

I’ve known plenty of people get married in the Catholic church whilst living together etc. Us, for starters! I am not a Catholic, but Darling Husband is, so we followed canon law.

Post # 21
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

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iDreamofJune:  

No, my upbringing was very sex negative and full of a lack of information.  What information I had was very frightening.  I had trouble trusting men for a long time.  When I got married, I was so afraid of sex, I couldn’t calm down.  I was eventually diagnosed with vaginismus.  I had to go through physical therapy and needed to work out psychologically my past to be able to consumate my marriage.  It took us two months to finally consummate our marriage.  Our attempts before that were…well let’s just say I know to an extreme degree how bad sex bad sex can be even when its not rape.  

That said, I don’t think losing my virginity would have been any easier if we hadn’t waited for marriage to make attempts.  I actually had a traumatic medical experience related to that area of my body when I was four.  I had flashbacks, but no one knew during that time that kids could suffer from post traumatic stress like that and mostly adults just wrote me off as a crybaby and criticized me for crying so much.   I became very protective of that area of my body.  My parents kept me in the dark about sex and tampons and all that till just before puberty or right at puberty and suddenly the adult world seemed horrible to me.  It retriggered a lot of the anxieties.  My mom got angry at my refusal to use tampons.  My Dad got angry.  They said I was ruining family vacations.  When I finally tried under their pressure, I failed.  Mom threatened to do it for me.  I ended up locking myself in the bathroom crying.  Finally they realized they wouldn’t get me to use one, but they were mad at me the entire vacation. 

Mom tried other approaches.  She tried to find the smallest tampons she could with the smoothest edges and when I freaked out, she got angry again and asked me how I ever expected to have sex because guys were a lot bigger than tampons.  And then when I started expressing the desire to marry but remain a virgin, my mom told me that wives were obligated to have sex with their husbands.  She said it was impossible for a wife to be raped by her husband because you give sexual consent on your wedding day.  She also told me that if I tried to withhold sex from marriage, my husband would just cheat on me.  It convinced me that men’s desire for sex was so strong that they loved sex more than women.  In effect, perhaps they were a bit incapable of love and women were thus morally superior.

It took me a long time to realize that teenage girls were having sex for more reasons than just trying to keep their boyfriends from cheating on them. 

Thankfully I got over most of those attitudes by the time I did get married, but …I don’t know.  You grow up with those fears and those experiences and everything else positive about sex seems very theoretical.  Then you get married and things don’t work and its nothing but burning pain and its like all your old fears come out.  Everything else seems like lies.  I’m very lucky it only took us two months to consummate our marriage.  A lot of women are so afraid that they don’t pesevere in therapy and often go years with an unconsummated marriage. 

Post # 23
Member
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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iDreamofJune:  I don’t think it’s that we look down on the “purity of waiting” so much… I think it’s just that it just doesn’t really exist as a concept… we don’t know what it means…

… so you get to your 20s and you think “eh, so why is X still a virgin? Do they have issues with their body? Are they psychologically scarred by some awful experience? I genuinely don’t understand why they have never had sex” You suspect something awful, and if you don’t want to have to deal with that possibility in your date, you steer clear.

It’s not that virginity is something awful per se… it’s just that it’s not seen as interesting or important, so if older people are virgins then the assumption is that there is something which is psychologically abnormal, if that makes sense?

Post # 24
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799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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Stace126:  Wow, all the Catholic churches I’ve been a part of would rush to get unmarried parents together. Also are you sure about Baptism? That would be against Church doctrine to not baptize them because they were born out of wedlock, and the pope himself is baptizing children outside of marriage. 

Post # 25
Member
1597 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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Rachel631:  
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cantonbride:  I don’t know. I haven’t been a member of the Catholic church for a very long time, and I don’t pretend I know all of the ins and outs, but I’m just passing along stories that I’ve heard from friends, family, and co-workers. 

Recently I’ve come to discover that many different Catholic churches/priests/etc have different views on things like unmarried parents, cohabitating, etc. I’ve even seen some WB posts about girls not knowing what to do because they want to get married in a Catholic church but they’re living with their SO and their priest doesn’t want to marry them. But then again I’ve seen/heard stories where this is no big deal.

I’m not judging either way, I’m just sharing my experiences.

Post # 26
Member
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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Stace126:  Well, the story I’m thinking of right now involves the current Pope. Apparently he answers some of his mail himself. One letter he received was from a lady who had become pregnant by a married man (although she did not know he was married at the time). The local priest refused to baptise her baby. Apparently the Pope replied that the priest was required by canon law to baptise the baby. He told the lady that she should show the letter he wrote to her to the local priest, and if the local priest still said no, that she should take the baby to the vatican, and he would do it himself!

I love the current Pope… and I’m not even Catholic…

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