Post # 1
My fiance and I started sleeping together in November. We originally planned to wait until marriage but ended up having a change of heart. I started to feel a bit of guilt and that lasted until he proposed in February. Now I honestly don’t feel overly guilty about it. We’ve been attending a class at church for engaged couples and they strongly emphasise the importance of waiting until marriage. They also strongly encourage couples to stop sex in situations where they chose not to wait. My issue is that I’ve always heard that it’s unhealthy to stop when it’s already regularly happening. I guess I’m starting to question things.
Did anyone abstain after already having sex? Did you feel guilty about premarital sex? Did engagement help resolve any guilt?
Post # 2
It is definitely not unhealthy to stop having sex once you have started, weird that you have apparently always heard that as a Christian. That said obviously there is no benefit to stopping if it isn’t something you and your fiancé feel strongly about.
Post # 3
What do you mean “unhealthy”? There are no health risks to stopping and then resuming later that I know of.
Anecdotally, I grew up in a tight-knit Christian community and have a few friends who did this exact thing. They were sexually active, then started feeling guilty and decided to abstain during their engagement. As far as I know they’re all still happily married and all is fine.
Personally, once I started having sex (long before I met the man I would marry), I never looked back and never felt any kind of moral guilt about it, but I don’t have the same beliefs as you so that’s beside the point.
Post # 4
There are no health risks to stopping sex.
Do what you and your partner want and feel comfortable with. Whether that having sex or not having sex. Sex shouldn’t make you feel guilty, it’s a natural healthy part of life.
ETA: Don’t get married just to make sex “okay” or to make yourself feel less guilty about having sex.
Post # 5
maggie2020 : I’ve read the Cosmo stories about the women who “have” to have sex regularly because otherwise they become too tight and sex is too painful. For the vast majority of people, this doesn’t exist. There is no reason it is unhealthy to stop having sex once you’ve started. People can sometimes go long periods without sex if they are single, aren’t up for casual sex and not yet ready for another relationship.
If you both want to abstain until you’re married, do it. But it needs to be a decision you are both happy with. It also needs to be the decision that is right for you as a couple, not just what you are told to do/feel you should do.
Post # 6
The unhealthy thing is nonsense.
Sadly, there are a ton of things that are outright lies said to try to guilt, manipulate, and control people into following the no sex without marriage ideology. When you are taught sex ed by people who have an agenda its no wonder the information is all lies. It shouldn’t be legal to teach people outright lies about their bodies.
I highly suggest you get some normal sex education, i am sure you can find some online. It would be awful to pass along misinformation or a sense of guilt to children you might have at some point. I am so sorry you felt at all guilty for doing something that is, was, and always will be 100% YOUR personal choice and is no ones business but yours. No one has the right to question or know anything about what we do with our bodies. That is deeply personal, and private. Not a parent, or a Church member, or a teacher, or anyone, as the right to tell someone else what they should and shouldn’t be doing in regards to having sex, being ready for sex etc.
Honestly, the closest anyone should come to even talking to someone else about sex, is teaching them the factual scientific way bodies function, telling their own personal experience with sex IF ASKED, and letting your kids know that it can be for some a deeply emotional experience which can be challenging and thought through before partaking in it. THATS IT. If someone chooses to read religious texts on their own, and decide to follow those texts, cool. Personally I am VERY against anyone else telling anyone what they can or can’t do with their body. I think its wrong, its always biased, and is not ok.
Post # 7
maggie2020 : you need to do what feels most true and right for you and your fiancé, and NO ONE ELSE gets a say in that.
Buying into Premarital sex guilt had me marry someone when I was in my early 20’s, and it was so bad, I was able to get a complete annulment of the marriage.
Shame is to blame for a lot of mess between humans in this world.
Bee, “purity” culture and guilt are toxic things.
I am not judging your religious beliefs, as that’s no one else’s place to decide for you- but when you and your fiancé made your decision to share intimacy, you made it together. That’s sacred, and it’s up to you to not let outside input tarnish that.
Come up with the plan together of what works best for you as a team. No one gets to be in your bedroom but you.
And there aren’t any health risks involved in abstention- just emotional ones.
Post # 8
We decided that sex before marriage went against our Christian morals. We attend church weekly & would have felt tremendous guilt (conviction) had we had sex willy-nilly.
Post # 9
I waited until I was engaged to have sex and once I did that, I might have felt a twinge of guilt but I totally got over and now that I’m married it is not important at all. It was important for me to wait until I was ready and with someone committed to me, and that’s what engagement meant for me. If you feel ok with having sex while engaged then I see no reason to stop again until marriage but only you know for sure how you feel.
Post # 10
So, Dh and I are Catholic. I actually became Catholic before we got married but even before then I knew the general belief systems (small town, one HUGE Catholic church that it seemed like all my peers went to for private school).
We had been having sex together since we were 16, and definitely did NOT abstain once we got engaged, lol. Did not feel the least bit guilty about it. In fact – I would say we honestly felt more connected or sex felt more “special” once we got engaged then married. Idk how to describe it but it just felt much more intimate I think knowing he is my person forever.
In theory – I understand the point of it, but it is one part of the religion I disagree with. I believe your sexual relationship with each other is a HUGE aspect of your marriage. DH’s mom is pretty “strict” on some of the “dont’s” in the religion (like living together before marriage) but this was one practice she was pretty chill about. She made a pretty good point and I remember her saying it something along these lines word for word.
“While I don’t necessarily encourage it or am telling you to go hop in bed with each other, I do think you should have sex before you’re married. Sex is a big part of a marriage and what happens if you wait until you are married and find out the sex is terrible or you aren’t compatible? Its much easier to break-up/call off an engagement than it is to go through a divorce and in the Catholic faith divorce is a definite no-no.”
Post # 11
- Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre
We are both Christians and we waited until marriage before we made love. No regrets in waiting we dated for almost 8 years before we got married.
Post # 12
I know people who got married young mostly because they were wanting to have sex and thought they should get married first. This might have worked back in my grandparents’ time, but it doesn’t seem to be the best idea in modern times. I think it’s no business of the church whether or not you’re having sex and stopping once you’ve done it seems a bit pointless since you’re obviously no longer virgins.
I grew up in a household where sex outside marriage was considered the worst thing ever. I’m glad that I learned to think for myself and choose not to follow this belief system. Otherwise, I would have gotten married at 19!
It’s up to you and your fiancé. I personally wouldn’t let someone else tell me what I should do. I still consider myself Christian, but I don’t attend church so I might not be the best example lol.
Post # 13
loz24 : I might be one of those people – when we finally had sex again months after my daughter was born it was crazy tight and hurt. It passes after a couple romps so it isn’t even that big of a deal in the grand scheme of life. A couple glasses of wine helped too 😉
maggie2020 : I don’t personally believe in waiting for marriage and so I didn’t, but if you’re feeling guilty then take a break to see if it makes you feel better. Remember, sex is not bad, it’s not dirty, and you are the only person who gets to decide what to do with your body.
Post # 14
I’ve been having sex with my now husband since I was 17 and have went through a dry spell or two for about a month. You don’t have to stop if you don’t want to and you can wait if you would like to. Health shouldn’t be a factor in this decision.
Post # 15
Is this an issue that’s likely to come up in premarital counseling?