(Closed) Christmas proposal probably derailed : ( (long)

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

i’m sorry that this happened… i don’t think you’re making a big deal about this. you feel the way you do and you’re entitled to those feelings. it seems like you handled the situation in a mature manner, and now it’s just up to you to decide what you want to do. if you decide to forgive and forget, then that has to be whole-heartedly… if you think you will not be able to get over and move past this, then it might be time to have another heart-to-heart with your SO…

either way, big ( ( ( H U G ) ) ) i hope everything works out for you.

Post # 4
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m not sure how I would feel about this.  However, I will say I don’t think you’re giving him the benefit of the doubt here.  He put a stop to it.  And pretty quickly too from the sounds of it.  A lot of other guys would keep it going just for the boost in confidence.  I’m sorry you have to deal with this.  It sounds like you have a great relationship other that this “thing”.  I wouldn’t jump to get out of it so quickly.  Give it some serious time, thought and energy.  I’d hate to see you regret your decision.  Good luck!

Post # 5
716 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You both acted in the wrong here — he should’ve told you what happened, you shouldn’t have snooped. That aside, what he did do does not sound all that bad, he cut it off and didn’t actually cheat. You just need to talk it out with him and I am sure it will work out…

Post # 6
4152 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I think given the circumstances you have reacted very maturally and in the best way possible.  I hope that you can work through this with your SO (and honestly I don’t doubt it).

Best of luck, sorry I have little advice to offer.

Post # 7
335 posts
Helper bee

if your main issue is that he didn’t stop it sooner (and i can understand completely why that would bother you), he may have been simply trying to appease the other girl, hoping she would magically lose interest. i would be hurt by all this too, but at least he finally DID put his foot down. this is a hurdle for your relationship, but it sounds like hope is far from lost.

i’m surprised you were able to talk to this girl so calmly, actually, considering that she’s the instigator of all this. if i were you, i’d forget the idea of being friends later and just cut it off now. does her fiance know that she’s been contacting other guys like this? how would he feel?

Post # 8
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I agree with the other PPs that you handled the situation very well in terms of maturity.  I’m sorry that you have to go through this right before Christmas.  If things don’t start to get better, I suggest you two try couple’s therapy to help bring trust back into the relationship.  ((HUGS))

Post # 9
140 posts
Blushing bee

I think you’re handling the situation with dignity and grace. Under the same circumstances, I can’t say I would be so calm about the situation. It’s not the worst thing he could have done, and I think you should consider forgiving him and moving forward as planned. He did put a stop to it, after all. That’s quite the temptation for even the best of men. He was not the instigator and he didn’t accept anything other than another picture. It’s a small mistake in the grand scheme of things.

I’ve found swinger types to be incredibly pushy, even after you express your disinterest. I know you haven’t ruled out future friendship with this couple, but maybe you should think about it. (Just my two cents)

I wish you all the best in dealing with this situation, it sounds like you’re a class act (unlike this other chick) so  just keep it up!


Post # 11
358 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I haven’t read all the responses. First, no you’re not making too big a deal of this. I agree with you and don’t think this is a deal breaker or relationship ender. I feel this way because he was asking her to stop. He was up front and you guys talked about it before she started saying this. If it were me I would tell him hey I’m upset about this and I need time to be mad about this and sort my feelings out. He seems really understanding about this and it almost seems like he was just caught off guard. I would talk to him and come up with what you might say to someone who tries this next time. Believe me..in a lifetime something like this will come up again but you’ll be able to put a much quicker stop to it if you’ve pre- thought of what you would say. I would also suggest that you guys come up with some sort of way of telling each other if someone does this.

This has happened in our relationship before. It actually ended up good…although we’re not engaged yet lol. It didn’t go as far either. A customer at my SO’s Quarry said he was cute and gave him her number on a piece of paper. He never called it. He was of course flattered..He didn’t tell me right away. Then he thought she was kind of attractive and he ended up telling me then. This girl didn’t know he was involved with someone else but the point is the same. We’ve since talked about how we should handle situations where we feel an attraction to someone else or when someone else is pushing themselves on us. It’s gonna happen. Nice looking people are everywhere. I’m relieved that the situation took place before marriage because now I feel even more stronger in our relationship. My SO agrees and said he never really thought we would need to have that conversation but he’s so glad we went through it.

If your SO is being open and willing to talk then you will have to allow yourself to get through and over this. In other words…don’t drag it out. Just saying that because I’m one of those people that don’t know when to let go and end up pushing good things away.


Good luck

Post # 12
1568 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You handled this PERFECTLY! I know you snooped and its bad, but I would have done the same thing. By snooping you found out something you wouldn’t have if you just looked the other way and now can make an educated decision on your future. I would be piping mad, real, real mad. He did let it go too far and it was disrespectul to you and your relationship. And like you said, this should be the happiest, easiest most exciting time for you guys and he crossed the line. You are justified to feel the way you do. That all being sad, I think you have a pretty good guy. He did stop the contact, even if he was a little slow to do it. He didn’t lie about it when you approached him, which I think some less mature guys would do. And it doesn’t sound like he tried to turn the situation around on you for snooping. If I were in your situation I would forgive him. I may not do it the next day or even the next week, but I would. And maybe, him having to hold off on his proposal plans that people know about will really hit home for him. It seems like when you have to explain things to your closest friends or family it makes everything just that more real, really highlighting the consequences of his actions. I hope everything works out for the best! It does suck, but it sounds like you have a great man who wants to spend his life with you, he just fumbled along the way.


Post # 15
358 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@araneidae:  Well, we agreed that there is no reason to run from the opposite sex. We don’t have to announce to every person that oh hey i’m taken! lol We both shared what we thought was crossing the line. Things that I feel to flirty or that he feels to flirty. We both agreed that it is healthy to have normal relationships with the opposite sex. In my opinion if he wanted to go out to lunch with a gal friend just the two of them that would be crossing the line. But that’s my opinion and he happened to feel the same way.

Have you ever met someone and felt that “chemistry” ? Then you kind of find yourself flirting with them? Surely we all know that chemistry that I’m talking about. In that situation we agreed that we would remove ourselves from the temptation. It’s the same type of chemistry that we felt for each other when we met.

We and I truly mean we both came to the conclusion that if someone else is catching our eye or our attention to the point that we think about them when we’re home that something with us is missing. I may not be fulfilling a need of his or vice versa. We love the book His Needs, Her Needs. That’s kind of how we lead our relationship together.

Also, if something happens where we feel the pull of someone else we tell each other right away so we can work on what ever it is. Obviously if one of us wants to work on it and the other doesnt then that’s a problem but so far we’ve been very attentive to making each other happy and believe that we’re in it til the end.

I hope some of this is clear. I’m not able to voice it as well as I would like. It just takes a lot of communication. Just know what each other wants and needs from the relationship. What ever you do don’t be defensive otherwise it will shut the convo down.  If I think of a more clear way to say it I’ll get back at you. lol…


Oh something that is huge in my opinion. Tell him how grateful you are that he’s willing to talk about this rather than clam up. Ask him to let you know when he notices that you are making an effort in the relationship too. At first ot can seem a little staged. Totally worth it though.


p.s. I guess the way we come up with lines is the same way u might practice for an interview. If the interviewer says what’s ur strengths and weaknesses what do you say? We do that for the just in case someone comes on to us and we don’t want to hurt them or embarrass them.

Post # 16
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I’m really sorry this happened, that is unfortunate. 

but between your snooping, and his inappropriate email exchanges, I think you two are not ready for marriage at all. obviously you don’t trust him and I don’t blame you! but now that you have snooped, I’m sure he feels like he can’t trust you either.

if I were in your shoes, I’d put off a proposal for a year or longer to see how compatible you really are for each other, and work on being able to regain each other’s trust.

marriage is no joke. don’t go into it if you are not sure he is the one.

edit: I agree with the PPs. you did handle this with grace. I didn’t mean for my post to sound harsh. I just meant, don’t jump into an engagement until you are sure.

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