(Closed) Christmas visit w/ FI's family – bad.

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
13762 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m sorry you guys had to deal with this, but it was good of you to be there to support him.  That’s all you can do going forward — be there as a rock for him, whether he wants to discuss his experiences of quietly move on from them.  

Has your Fiance ever gone to counseling to work through what happened to him as a child?  It may give him so peace as he moves forward. 

Post # 3
Member
47255 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

jkat84:  If you ever go back, don’t stay so long. You know the old saying about fish and company? After 3 days, both begin to stink. In this case it applies to the hosts.

Post # 4
Member
1151 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I feel this way about my own family.  I live as far as possible from them and see them about once a year. They make me very depressed and anxious and they have a ton of emotional issues.  I need emergency therapy every time I see them!  so I avoid.  I spend more time with DH’s family, who are awesome and make me feel GOOD.  

Post # 5
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee

My husband and I love our families and I don’t think either of us have spent an entire week with them in over a decade. Unless you are flying to another continent, I would start with placing a 3 day, 2 night limit on visits. 

Post # 6
Member
560 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’d like to say never go back, but with family that’s really not possibe. Maybe you should talk about “always staying in a hotel” while visiting them. This will limit your stay, and give you both an escape from the toxic inviroment at least to sleep and eat breakfast together, gather your thoughts and revisit them the next day. 

It will also help once you have children, they will be used to your hotel choice and you will have a place to go with the children if the family topics/discussions become too toxic. Rather then to feel you have to stay at their house with your babies.

Post # 7
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

If he wants to see them, I think shortening the visit and staying at a hotel would help a lot. They will likely be nasty about it, but they are nasty anyway, so what do you have to lose? Having a place to escape people like that is super important for you both. 

Post # 8
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

This might not be a popular opinion but I don’t think you should be a neutral party in this next time around. The next time he is expected to visit, I think you should tell him honestly that this Christmas was a really horrible experience that was detrimental to both of you, and that you would really rather he not go–and if he really insists, that you limit your visit to a single day. It’s hard to disentangle yourself from toxic parents, and it might be best if you’re the voice of reason and discourging him from getting hurt rather than shrugging and saying it’s up to him. 

Post # 9
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

His parents are abusive. Why is he visiting them? 

Your husband is out of his physically and emotionally abusive childhood environment — he should stay out of it. His parents aren’t going to change unless a miracle happens. They are toxic, their house is toxic, and being there doesn’t do anything good for your husband or you. 

If he can cut them off or keep them at arm’s length, that’s what he should do.

If contact has to be made, it needs to be short and to the point. Get in, get out. 

Post # 10
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee

I want to edit my post but can’t for some reason. The first time I posted, I admittedly skimmed OP’s original post. After reading other comments, I went back to the original post – after seeing his father was abusive, I would say limit your visits to never. I definitely did not intend to suggest you must visit abusive parents!

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