Post # 1
Hello hive. I have never posted here before but I am a total lurker, and everyone always seems to have such kind and thoughtful responses I want to give it a shot. Here’s the deal. I’m getting married next spring to the man of my dreams; I’m completely crazy about him…no issues ther! He is Jewish and I’m Episcopal, and we’ve agreed to raise our children Jewish because it’s really important to him. We have also come to agreement on many of the other issues that are potentially tough for interfaith couples, like holidays and are both pretty satisfied with those compromises. We intend to have a mostly Jewish household with a few important and non-conflicting things from my childhood/family. The problem is that the one thing I always told him it would be hard for me to relinquish is that since I was little, I wanted to get married in my family’s church. It’s very welcoming and accommodating and would let us include any Jewish elements we want including a chuppah and a rabbi.
Now, I completely understand that it would be hard for him and his family to have the wedding there and they would feel uncomfortable, no matter how much “Jewish” there was. It would be very hard for his parents and would cause some real damage to our relationship with them (though truthfully my future in-laws are rather closed-minded so that makes it much, much tougher than it needs to be). And I feel guilty because it doesn’t seem fair that I want this even though agreed to have a mainly Jewish future. But not getting married in the church that women in family has gotten married in for generations is really eating me up. We’ve discussed having two ceremonies, but it seems like too much to have them both on one day and if we have them on separate days, it seems like the one that’s not on the “wedding day,” is getting sort of gypped. Right now we are talking about just having the ceremony in my parents’ backyard, which will be lovely, but I still find myself so disappointed and wondering if I’m going to regret it. Has anyone gone through something like this?
Post # 3
One important thing to keep in mind is that if you get married in a church or temple it should be because of religious beliefs – not because it makes a pretty backdrop for your wedding. It seems that your Fiance feels much more strongly about his Jewish faith than you do of your Episcopalian (you can correct me if I’m wrong, that’s just how it seems from your post), and it would be a shame for him to be unable to get married in the faith that is so important to him so that you can have your church, which doesn’t mean much to you but it just something you wanted as a little girl – not something that should take precedence over faith/religion.
Post # 4
Are there grounds outside the church where you could do a second ceremony? I had the thought that you could do a Christian ceremony in your church and then move outdoors and do a Jewish ceremony under a chuppah.
Just a thought..
Post # 5
Good feedback already! The church is in a pretty urban location so…nothing but concrete around it! My faith is deeply important to me and is the reason why the church is important. But, it is true, that it doesn’t seem fair to take anything away from him, and we will reflect elements of both of our faiths in our ceremony. I do think that the right thing is probably to do it at a neutral site, but it does feel like I’m losing something and I hope I end up okay with it.
Post # 6
If the church ceremony is important to you because of your faith and family traditions it doesn’t seem quite right for you to have to forgo it. Could you maybe have two ceremonies on consecutive days — say, Saturday and Sunday — so that you’d have a sort of “wedding weekend” rather than just one wedding day? I totally understand worrying about the second ceremony being gypped, but so long as each ceremony has a purpose and is meaningful in itself, that’s all that matters. I think it’d be a nice way for you to bridge the gap between your separate traditions.
Post # 7
Could you have a secular marriage ceremony and then have two blessings? One in the temple and the other in your church. They needn’t all be on the same day of course. Just a thought. It means that both sides of the family, and the both of you , get your important religious elements but that one religion doesn’t outweigh the other.
Post # 8
It is good that you two were able to agree about the future with children and all, but it does seem to me that you are the only one doing the compromising. If you are ok with the children being raised Jewish and having a Jewish household with non-conflicting traditions then more power to you. However, if this means a lot to you and you are already going to let his traditions shine, the least he could do would be respecting your beliefs for one day as well.