Post # 16
You asked if you were wrong in your original rant. I think the answer is yes. You refused to wear what she asked you to wear and called it ridiculous. You refused to let your kids be in the wedding party. It sounds like she never disinvited you, you just decided not to come because the kids weren’t invited unless they were in the wedding party (not that unusual). To me, it sounds like you are being petty (you keep bringing up what she wore to your wedding 4 years ago). You say you don’t hate your sister, but you obviously have a lot of anger towards her. Neither of you sound like angels to me and your relationship sounds extremely unhealthy.
Post # 17
I’m sorry you’re getting some of these comments. There are always those that will take the other side.
Anyway, I understand where you’re coming from, and I would have been done with the way she treats you after she wore a white lace dress to yor wedding.
As for your family, I understand how incredibly frustrating it is that your sister is in the wrong, but to avoid having to deal with her temper, everyone just goes with it and expects you to as well, leaving you to deal with the narrative she spews about you. The truth will always come out, so I wouldn’t worry about getting in front of it. If she’s as loud as she sounds, and she’s already been telling people all these things, then you’re not going to be able to convince people through words anyway. Just keep living your life, and people will realized the truth. And if they don’t, they’re not worth your time.
Post # 18
@pinkflamingos: I never said I didn’t “tell off” my sister. We’re in our mid 30s so YEAH! I have lots of times, the problem is it never seemed to help resolve anything with just words. But a random person saying I “hate” my sister because I want to stick up for myself is very foolish.
Post # 19
@pinkflamingos: How do you defend yourself without cause? If you don’t remember the things that wronged you or hurt you, why would you feel a reason to defend yourself? OBVIOUSLY I hold some grudges. I feel like that goes without saying. Like I said, I’m not Jesus. I just wanted to remind her of a lot of crap I’ve eaten over the years and somehow clawed my way out of the anger I felt to give her another chance to do the right thing. A pattern that has never broken. I’m sorry you missed the point. But thank you nevertheless for the response and opinion.
Post # 20
Thank you!!! I appreciate this understanding SO much, knotyet :
Post # 21
Honestly, you both sound extremely difficult. Just in different ways. You keep trying to put a square peg in a round hole and expecting someone to act in a way that is contrary to who they are rather than accepting them as is. And all of your examples of how you tried to include her prior to this make it really apparent you were doing it because you pitied her rather than loved her. Did she ask you for your pity?
Meanwhile she sounds like kind of a b**** and pretty high maintenance. But life isn’t tit-for-tat. Her being a b**** at your wedding doesn’t mean she isn’t allowed to want certain things for her own wedding. And you’re certainly free to disagree with what she wants. I probably would too because I don’t agree with being a prop. But disagreeing often comes with consequences and you have to be the adult willing to accept those consequences rather than stamp your feet and wonder why nobody else is agreeing with you.
Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to like the other person. But it does mean at a certain point you need to let go of what you want and make your decisions based on what you have. You have a sister who has made it be known that she is rather indifferent to you and it’s up to you to decide how much of a relationship you let someone who is indifferent to you have with you. She has let you know exactly who she is and your responsibility is deciding what to do with that information and how you let it affect you, not to change her to be the sister you want her to be. Likewise forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to forget , but it should mean that you stop bringing the past into the present and throwing it in her face or using it as excuses for why you should be allowed to act petty and vengeful. At a certain point all you’re doing is perpetuating a never-ending cycle and bringing heartache on yourself.
There’s a good chance you will never have a good relationship with your sister , but you definitely won’t have even a tolerable one if you keep living in the past and focusing on making her pay for her behavior while refusing to move on (with or without her in your life), or keep living in what should be rather than what is.
Post # 22
You’re so right, annabananabee . And honestly, whether I agree with or like the responses I’ve received it’s caused me to reflect a lot. Yeah, my sister is a dick. I knew this, and yet I continued to consciously allow her back in to do it again- and then I blamed her for my own mistake. It made me more angry with her, but the truth is, she showed me who she is and I made my own choices… I do often wonder if you can really forgive without forgetting?… because obviously I haven’t deep down. It hurts more because she’s my sister and I so wanted to make the relationship work. I have had so many heart to hearts without her responding to me. But at the same time, maybe I didn’t give her a fair chance because I hadn’t deep down forgot things she did that made me sad or irritated. I think if she had changed maybe it would have made the letting-go easier… that’s why I love these discussions 🙂 I love to self reflect and improve and hopefully make good decisions. The decision here isn’t for my heart, it’s for the greater good and to or not to endorse what has been difficult, less than good behavior from her. I appreciate everyone so much… thank you for such a great response!!
Post # 23
Time to cut her out, and probably your mom too. Just because they are blood doesn’t make them family. These people are assholes to you, and a mother who favors one child over another to this point doesn’t deserve to be your mother.
Post # 24
This is the best thing that could have happened! She’s cutting you out of the wedding, good. Don’t go. Avoid this drama.
She doesn’t like you. You don’t like her. What is the question here? Do you want permission to cut her out of your life? Here – you have my permission. But I’ll let you in on a secret, you don’t need anyone else’s permission.
I’m sorry your family sucks but that’s just how it is with some families. It’s up to you to decide how to carry on your life. Do you want to continually be treated like shit? Do you want your husband and your children continually treated like shit? Well, you are on the right path for that. Or do you want to live with some self-respect? Then you know what you must do….