Clingy male friend

posted 12 months ago in Relationships
  • poll: How often do you see your male friends?
    Once per week : (3 votes)
    9 %
    Once per fortnight : (1 votes)
    3 %
    Once per month : (6 votes)
    17 %
    Few times a year : (25 votes)
    71 %
  • Post # 2
    2892 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    He probably has a crush on you, he knows you have a boyfriend?

    i don’t really ever hang out with any of my male friends solo anymore but I’ve moved away from all of them, usually when I see them it’s in group activities when we’re getting our whole group together. 

    But even if I still lived around them I probably wouldn’t see them once a week, I’m married and busy with work and just being an adult. Like you, I don’t even see my girlfriends once per week even though I would love to, but all of our schedules are super busy.

    averagegirl :  

    Post # 3
    1043 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    How long has this been going on? And does Pete know other people in the town? I’d work on introducing him to others, including your boyfriend; then you can hang out in a group.

    There have been times when I saw my best girlfriends once a week, especially in cities where I didn’t have a large social circle. That’s not where I am currently in life, but it’s not completely crazy.

    Post # 4
    1891 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Test Peter by inviting him for dinner out and bringing your boyfriend to have them meet. If peter cancels he doesn’t want to meet your boyfriend and he probably is into you. If you want to have a single guy as a friend in your life I think making him and your boyfriend meet is necessary anyways. Just keep not going to meet Peter unless your boyfriend is going. Force that meeting. 

    Ive has this situation happen to me a few times, sometimes even when I was single and a guy claiming to be just a friend was very demanding of my time. In those situations I always had to cut them off 100% because they had no inbetween. I also hate feeling like someone is being cranky and demanding of me who isn’t my boyfriend or family. It makes me run the other way. 

    If I were you I’d pull way back with Peter, let him be cranky. When he does get cranky simply show him you aren’t going to put up with that behavior by withdrawing yourself anytime he makes those comments. You say no to a hangout and he texts something whining about why not? Don’t reply. He gets cranky on the phone? Just tell him I said that I am busy and can’t go, gotta run ttyl and hang up. You might be able to train him to understand that he sees you even less when he gives you attitude but most likely you are gonna have to cut him off. 

    Post # 5
    6628 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    averagegirl :  Well I voted a few times a year, but I don’t see my girlfriends more than that either… I live thousands of miles away from those people.

    I think it’s obvious the guy either has a thing for you or is very lonely.  Arrange a hangout with your boyfriend involved.  He’ll either get the hint or double down and you can decide where to go from there.  If he’s lonely and you don’t think he’s a creep, maybe you have a friend he’d mesh well with that you could also introduce him to. If he acts like an ass or refuses to meet your boyfriend or something, pull back.  You don’t have to speak to someone who’s a whiner when things don’t go his way.  You don’t have to pick up those phone calls or stay on the line.

    Post # 6
    4514 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I voted a few times a year because my best guy friends don’t live around me. However, when one lived in my city for a year, I probably saw him once a week – but usually at my house with my husband around (we would invite him for dinner). Sometimes we hung out one-on-one, too, but he and my husband know each other and have become friends, as well.

    Post # 7
    405 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

    I have a VERY small circle of people that I actually consider a “friend” to begin with so I usually work, run errands, then go home to my fiance, and I think it’s better that way. I have a few male friends from in college in which most of them have moved away, and my one closest male friend I still only see maybe once or twice a year, and my fiance’ is always there since we were all mutual friends in college. It’s nothing wrong with having friends, I just think that once you are in a committed relationship you should ere on the side of caution when having a friend(s) of the opposite sex. It’s also not smart that you haven’t told your boyfriend, what if he finds out one day? Even if your intentions were harmless they might not seem like it simply because you kept it from him. Who’s feelings do you care more about, Pete or your boyfriend?

    Post # 8
    1058 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    I see my male friends about once a month or so. More in certain months, depending on what’s going on, but I’m really not one to actually want to hang out with my friends more than once a month or so.

    I will say I always see my guy friends as part of a group. I have three guy friends who I’m close with, and they’re part of a close friend group with my Fiance and my best girlfriend, so we mostly just hang out as a group.

    I wouldn’t be opposed to hanging out with any of them one-on-one, it’s just that if there’s a hang out happening, everyone in the group is invited, so it very rarely happens that only two people hang out alone in the group (except for the couples, obviously, and me and my best girlfriend if we’re doing something like shopping, or the two single guys because they like to go out to bars way more than we do lol).

    I wouldn’t necessarily jump to the conclusion that Pete has a crush on you. I’ve had a couple friends who were overly clingy, and they definitely didn’t have a crush on me (granted, they were girls, but still, my point is that people can be clingy friends without there being feelings involved). He could just be lonely, and have different expectations for your friendship. Unfortunately the couple of friends I’ve had that wanted to hang out all the time, I eventually drifted apart from them. I’m just not someone who can hang out with friends all the time, and they needed someone who could, so we naturally drifted apart when they made other friends who suited their needs better.

    I would try to introduce Pete to your boyfriend and your other friends. Then you can all hang out as a group together, and Pete will get to know more people who may be willing to hang out with him when you can’t. And then he won’t be dependent on you as the only friend he has in your town.

    Post # 9
    738 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

    If Pete has moved from where he was to your town, could it be that he’s lonely and doesn’t have many other friends in the area? I don’t think you necessarily have to jump to the conclusion that he has a crush on you, there could be loads of reasons why he’s being clingy.

    I’d definitely say it’s worth introducing him to your husband. It will avoid any awkward conversations down the line, but it might also be an opportunity for Pete to make friends with him, and possibly eventually his friends, which would possibly help him be less clingy.

     I don’t get to see any of my friends as often as I’d like, male or female. If I had the luxury of more time, I’d vote for seeing them once every week or two. I work in an all male environment, and have done for 15 years, so most of my friends are male anyway. My husband’s best friend is a woman, and they hang out every 2-3 weeks. One on one or with me and her husband there, either way is fine.

    Post # 10
    754 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

    I rarely see them but we tag eachother on Facebook memes on a semi weekly basis lol

    I dont hang out with anyone more that I like to. I’m a hermit. 

    Post # 11
    77 posts
    Worker bee

    In terms of hanging out without your boyfriend… I think it really depends. I have a male friend from high school who goes to the same gym as me all these years later, and we both go in the evening so we usually text each other when we’re going to see if we’ll overlap. There are weeks where I see him every day! My fiance knows him, likes him, and doesn’t mind especially because he feels better knowing someone will walk me to my car in the dark parking lot. On the rare occasion my fiance comes to the gym, they spot each other.

    I have some male friends who I will spend time with without my fiance but I always tell him and invite him to join us, and I don’t have a romantic history with them.

    Out of respect for our relationship I would never hang out with a male friend if my fiance wasn’t comfortable with it, and I keep him in the loop. There have been work or school friends that my fiance didn’t really like, and if I wanted to see them I just made sure it was in a group situation.

    Definitely introduce Pete to your boyfriend and even try to introduce him to Pete’s friends if they get along. Try to hang out in a group so he can make new friends. In terms of clinginess, I would slow my responses and make myself “unavailable” until he gets the hint. Don’t respond right away and pretend you’re busy other than however often you’re comfortable with. 

    Post # 12
    8866 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    averagegirl :  I’m not sure this is a question of “how often do you see your male friends”. If he was a woman, would you want to see him more? less? the same? If you have another male friend that you’re closer with (or not as close to) do you see them the exact same amount, or does it vary based on other factors? I imagine it varies. So this seems like a question of what do you do when someone wants to hang out with you more often than you want to hang out with them. My response is that when someone is not happy with what I’m willing to give, I pull away for both of our sake. I’m not going to give more and they aren’t happy, so why try to force it? Let it go.

    Post # 13
    582 posts
    Busy bee

    Does your friend have other friends? When my social network was low (or theirs was!) I’ve gone through periods of seeing my male friends every day or st least several times a week. Rather than weaning your friend why not help him meet new people? Go with him to activities where e will come to interact with new folks, hook him up on friend-creating experiences with your friends and so on.


    side note- I’m not sure why the fact he is male makes a difference- I see my male and female friends roughly equally often. Why wouldn’t I? 

    Post # 14
    3532 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    I don’t think that how often you hang out with a certain friend really has anything to do with whether they’re male or female. My social groups is pretty evenly mixed but I’m actually closest with a couple of my guy friends.

    I don’t hang out as often with any of my friends as I used to, simply because we all live all over the city now. Before we all shacked up with our respective partners and moved into various burbs we used to hang out every weekend. Now it’s probably about once a month but usually in a group.

    When we all lived close to each other I used to hang out with them individually pretty regularly, both when I was single and after I started dating my now fiance. He met them all pretty early on though and has always gotten along with all my friends (and me with his). 

    With regard to your situation with Pete – it could be that he has feelings toward you that you need to nip in the bud, OR it could be that he doesn’t have any or many other friends in his new city and craves more social interaction than you are able or willing to provide. I think it’s important for you to suss out which of the two it is.

    If it’s the latter, try introducing him to more people and encouraging him to get involved with a hobby/interest group or sports team or something. You can even let him know that while you totally get that he needs more social interaction and doesn’t know many people in the area, you’ve got other priorities and simply can’t be his only source of entertainment long term. 

    I am curious though why he hasn’t met your boyfriend yet? It seems strange to hang out with someone so regularly and not to have even introduced them in passing to your partner. Do you and your partner not go out together more often than not?

    Post # 15
    2800 posts
    Sugar bee

    My best friend is a dude and I’d say we hang out once a month or once every couple of weeks. Our partners are always invited as well, but they don’t always come. When we were a bit younger and he lived a couple of blocks from me we’d hang out once a week at least, but I don’t have time to see anyone that much these days. We talk via messenger almost every day though.

    The really weird thing to me is that your friend gets cranky about how much time you spend together. That seems childish and posessive. Does he not have other friends in your town?

    Also, I recommend introducing Pete and your bf. It helps to show your bf that the two of you don’t have a weird dynamic. And if you find that he DOES have a weird dynamic around your bf then he’s gotta go. 

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