(Closed) Cliquey coworkers fishing for invites

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1716 posts
Bumble bee

“Oh we aren’t invinting anyone who isn’t family. Sorry.” And give them a very bland poker face.

They’ll get over it.

Post # 4
7736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Say nothing about the invite list unless they ask. If they ask, have this line rehearsed: “Sorry, but it’s a small wedding, family and close friends only”. Keep saying that tagline as often as necessary.

I take it you aren’t inviting anyone from the office, which makes it easier.

Don’t bring up the clique-iness, or the fact that’s way rude to fish for invites, or any other reason you don’t want them there. Just stick to the line, “Sorry, but it’s a small wedding, family and close friends only”.

Post # 5
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

If I heard someone like who just described say that they’d better be invited to my wedding, then I’d say, “Oh, like I was invited to carnival with you? Ha…ha…ha…” And let it go.

If someone else comments, say, “Oh, like that time I asked to be invited out with all of you, but no one called to let me know you were already out? Ha…ha..ha…”

If you have a good talking relationship with your boss, I’d take her aside (knowing she’ll spread whatever you say) and I’d ask to have a heart to heart about it. Then I’d tell her that I had been feeling excluded, as if the women in the office didn’t really care to socialize with me. I’d point out the instances in a nonoffensive, “bambi like” manner, and then I’d say how confused you are that they want to come to your wedding, which is going to be very small and you’re on a really tight budget.

Post # 6
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wow. That is awkward. And weird of your boss! I think maybe you should have just told them up front?

At a happy hour with coworkers, I was asked for details about the wedding planning. They seemed genuinely excited for me. After a couple drinks I said in a humorous yet direct way, “I love you all, but just to let you know, I’m not inviting any coworkers becase we’re having a small wedding. You know I’d love to see you guys there otherwise!” (which would be true for some, but not most). They seemed to take it well.

Post # 7
29 posts
  • Wedding: September 2012

To me it sounds like your boss is joking around etc but she(?) must realise how uncomfortable it would be for you. I don’t see why any of them should believe they would get an invite when they aren’t proper friends of yours.


You should start subtly commenting that all the numbers are finalised/things are booked/budget is set in stone…. /your so sad such and such a relative/friend can’t come since your numbers are already too high !

Post # 8
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@paula1248:  this! this line is your new best friend ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 10
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

For as much as you’d like to be just as rude to them as they have been to you I think in this situation it’s best to bite your tongue. In your head you can think “Yeah, when I get an invite for drinks I’ll mail your wedding invitation” but out of your mouth “I’m sorry but we’re keeping the guest list small”. That’s it, no other explanation is needed. They are your co-workers and while you need to be polite and professional at work, you owe them nothing outside the office. Someone who in non confrontational needs to just keep the words short, sweet and move onto another subject.

Post # 11
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Interesting post !!

Personally, I’d stick with the pretty much the tried and true mantra that paula1248:  posted…

Say nothing about the invite list unless they ask. If they ask, have this line rehearsed: “Sorry, but it’s a small wedding, family and close friends only”. Keep saying that tagline as often as necessary

Although I’d say… “Sorry, but it is a SMALL FAMILY WEDDING” (Skip the whole friends part… as someone will no doubt have their feelings hurt… “Gee I thought I was your Office Friend”)

That is for sure the BEST way to handle this situation… and make a note not to play favourites … so don’t invite any of them (not even your Boss).  Then you are true to your word… SMALL FAMILY WEDDING.

More concerning tho for me in your post is this tidbit…

My boss recently said that if my coworkers were invited to the wedding, they would extend their contracts in the company to stay on for another two months so they would be here for the wedding (we’re all “Americans” working in another country). She apparently told them not to get their hopes up, as it’s a small wedding in a somewhat remote location, but HOW COOL WOULD IT BE if they were all invited?!

Cliquey and Inappropriate to boot.  And reeks of black-mailing you into sending Invites to ensure the “welfare” of your Coworkers.  Talk about a job holidng you hostage…

Seriously… this is beyond appropriate (and downright RUDE putting you in such a position)

Quite honestly I’d be actively looking for another job.  Because the ethics of your Boss are kind of out of whack.

I mean really… don’t be surprised if after your Wedding, you find yourself without a job because you didn’t send them all Invites and jump thru what they deem to be the “hoops” to being in their IN CLUB.

The Rules of Etiquette, state that mixing one’s work life with their social life, is NEVER appropriate for just these types of reasons.

Hope this helps,


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