Post # 1
I am in need of some family engagement etiquette advice! My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been dating for almost 8 years (High school, undergrad, and grad school) and wanted to get married once I was done with school. I graduated in December and my parents have been lovingly asking where the ring is and a date. A month before I graduated my Boyfriend or Best Friend mom lets him know that his sister will be engaged in January. Since we hadn’t purchased any rings yet we decided to wait till after she was engaged.
A Little Back Story:<br />My BF’s family has been a major challenge for our relationship… His mom is very controlling with narcissistic tendencies. It has left my Boyfriend or Best Friend and his sister very insecure and unable to make their own decisions. Our relationship has definitely disrupted my BF’s relationship with his family and of course they blame me (I used to blame myself but now I don’t). Our relationship has definitely disrupted my BF’s relationship with his family and of course they blame me (I used to blame myself but now I don’t). Due to his sisters insecurities she has never been nice to me. She is very competitive with us individually and together. Out of respect for her my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have learned just to let it happen and not respond to it, which only leads to a limited relationship.
The past couple years I have found myself thinking… it would be easier if his sister would get married before us. After dealing with a lot her of jealousy issues I am so relieved that she is engaged before us, but I would like to move forward with my Boyfriend or Best Friend and start a new chapter of lives together. We have purchased a ring and it is supposed to be here in a couple of weeks. Sometimes I am not able to gauge what is reasonable and what is irrational when dealing with his family. Realistically, would you be upset if a close family member got engaged a little 1-2 months after you?
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Post # 2
My sister got engaged a few months after me and married 6 weeks before me. I couldn’t have been happier for her! It didn’t cause us any problems, whatsoever. But we started out with a good relationship and no issues of competitiveness, so that made it easier. I’ve seen many bees on here get their panties in a bunch because a close family member got engaged/married too close to them. I generally tell them they’re being ridiculous and to get over it, but it happens. So while I think you’re perfectly within your rights to get engaged and married whenever you want (well, I’d give them a month buffer for the wedding). If it would be easier to wait and avoid drama, that’s also well within your rights.
Post # 3
I have no input because I don’t believe in the “stealing thunder” nonsense. Get engaged when you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend wants. His sister will have to put on her big girl panties and get over it. Sorry.
Post # 4
My fiances brother got engaged in December we got engaged in the April after (4 months) planned to have our wedding 7 months after theirs and she threw a fit to my Future Sister-In-Law about it. Of course my Future Sister-In-Law told me, bc we are super close lol. And not they are no longer engaged. But that’s another story.
I would’ve been pissed if I would have pushed back our wedding so she wouldn’t have a tantrum.
I say who cares, just do it! You deserve to shine too!!
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
All Bees repeat after me: THUNDER STEALING IS NOT A THING!
OP, I think it’s great that you’re trying to be so sensitive of the needs of others, but really it’s unneccessary. Joy is not a finite resource, and hearts can grow to accommodate all love, not just one couple’s. The emotional reactions of others to your life events (that are not related to them) are really beyond your control. Offer his sister your sincere congratulations when they get engaged, but don’t allow it to dictate your life or timeline. Maybe offer to help plan a double engagement BBQ if you want to recognize your landmarks as equal, but don’t make a big deal out of it.
And thunderstealing is not. a. thing. At least not after 5th grade.
Post # 7
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and clear thoughts!!! Wow, reading all these post really put my thoughts back on track. <br /><br />Thunder Stealing is not a thing and is just a saying for sensitive feelings.. obviously. <br /><br />
Post # 8
I, too, don’t believe in this whole “thunder stealing” nonesense. Weddings are supposed to be happy occassions, so, to me, the more the merrier! If my brother and his SO got engaged at any point during my engagement, I’d be thrilled!
I think if you allow yourself to put your life on hold for this sister, you’re always going to be doing it. Now it’s getting engaged, but what about when it’s time to have children? Are you going to hold off having a child for a few years just so this sister and her child can have the “spotlight” of the family? I can see if maybe you planned on getting married in the same month as this sister that it could be a little stressful for your SO’s family, but otherwise, GET ENGAGED WHEN YOU WANT TO GET ENGAGED. I can’t stress that enough. No one else is putting off their life to make accommodations for you, so why do it for them?
Post # 9
Future Brother-In-Law and his fiancee got engaged the very same weekend as FI’s cousin and her fiance. Then Fiance and I got engaged three months later. Everyone in the family is aware that people get engaged when they want to and when it’s right for the couple, no one steals anyone else’s thunder because we’re all happy for each other.
Post # 10
wow this hits home! thank you for your advice 🙂
Post # 11
wow sounds like your family will be enjoying or has already enjoyed a lot of wedding cake! 🙂
Post # 12
You do what is right for you and your SO. Forget everyone else.
Post # 13
You do not have to partipate in other people’s absurdity. If someone is going to be upset that someone else gets engaged at the same time as them, that is THEIR absurdity. Do not participate in that absurdity by postponing your engagement. Just get engaged and live your life like a normal person.
Post # 14
I personally would be thrilled but my siblings and I are non competitive and the concept of thunder stealing does not compute.
in your situation you two should do you if everyone is an adult here. if you want to wait, wait! If you want to move forward, move forward!
Post # 15
That is how it is on my side of the family, I wouldn’t mind if I got engaged at the same time as my sisters at the same place!
I believe my initial worries about all of this are built off my BF’s feelings about the whole thing. He doesn’t want to create any issues for his sister/mother but wants everyone to be happy. I am very thankful that he is able to recognize what will upset his sister or mother since we want whatever relationship we can have with them.
I told him last night that if his sister gets upset in anyway about our engagement (whenever it is) then she will be upset about any part of the wedding/life and we will have to learn to ignore it.