Post # 46
Strawberryfarmer: I would be really worried that something was wrong with her. Why would she go to the effort of getting the money from you for the trip only to cancel? I have a very good friend who cancels at the last minute for important events with me at unexpected times, but she suffers from serious depression. Most people don’t know that about her, because she is so ‘normal’ in the majority of interactions, but some situations she just can’t handle and her flight instinct kicks in.
She was family to you. I know it sounds like she was selfish and unreasonable – and maybe she was – but just double and triple check that she isn’t unwell or going through something she has been keeping from you.
Post # 47
KarenK: I agree. I definitely need some space after this. I really wasn’t trying to confront her, I just felt something funny was happening and was trying to talk to her about it. I did press her for definitely plans last night (because I needed to know to pay the chef and MUA and things!) Yesterday she told me she wasn’t coming and I replied with a nice email telling her that I was sad about it, but respected her decision. I haven’t reached out or tried to call her or anything since. I do worry that she’ll forget about the money and spend it on other things — and not be able to repay me later. (She’s not working a fabulous job, which is why we gave her the money in the first place).
I’m trying not to be too upset about, but I am really sad! I always thought she would be there with me. I’m afraid that on my wedding day I will be crying about her not being there instead of simply being happy that I’m getting married. I was really looking forward to seeing her and there will be a big hole in my heart that day. It’s just going to be emotional.
Post # 48
MOHlookingForIdeas: She hasn’t given me any indication that anything is wrong. I wonder if it is just a reflection of us growing apart over the years and our relationship not being top priority any more. She is constantly going out with her friends and going hiking and out to fun places — so I’m not worried that she’s not going out or doing things. I guess it’s just this she can’t make the effort for.
Post # 49
Strawberryfarmer: as PP said, since it’s down to this point before you asked for a “final answer” despite any previous conversations – the answer was up in the air. That’s shared on both sides.
She should have said no earlier, but that’s hard when you were really pressuring her. Maybe several months ago when the topic came up for the umteenth time, you should have said,”this really is too intimate of a wedding for any other guests. We just cannot accomodate that, but I do understand your concerns and position and we’ll miss seeing you at there.” You could have said no for her when neither of you when it was clear that neither of you were going to budge. Friendship altering – probably, but you wouldn’t have planned your day around a ‘sister’ who wasn’t coming.
Post # 50
Strawberryfarmer: “And yes – she has horrible taste in men and would bring a jerk… I have stated that bringing a random guest to our ceremony is NOT AN OPTION. I would much rather have her not come that bring a random person.”
And it seems to me that she has, by the same token, stated a few times that she is uncomfortable being single there and would prefer the option of bringing a date. So she’ll be uncomfortable and won’t be there. That is all.
I get that you’re hurt. What I don’t get is why you think this is end of your friendship. I think you need to take a breath, and realise your wedding is not her thing; rather than some sort of betrayal / friendship ending move. While I realise the wedding is a very important day for you, it’s not so important to everyone else that it’s worth ending a friendship over.
Post # 51
Strawberryfarmer: thanks for writing back.
To answer your question, personally the only thing that helped was my dearest and nearest’s understanding that while I was happy at their fortune it just made my own misfortune more apparent. Friends who let me retreat into my cave and lick my wounds are people I’m still close to now. I also grew a pair of lady bits and apologized for being a colossal bitch and let my own immaturity get in the way of being able to celebrate their special days…maybe your friend will too one day. What I’m saying is don’t stop being her friend when she needs it the most. You mentioned her horrible taste in choosing men, her strange antics at others’ weddings…she’s in a bad place OP. And weddings might bring out the worst in her. So…I’d say write her an email saying you wish she would’ve been there with you (not the demanding ‘you’re not there and I needed you there!’ ) but the sincere it would’ve been awesome to share this with you BECAUSE THATS HOW CLOSE YOU ARE TO ME and bc of that closeness I understand you can’t come. I hope you know I’ll miss you and I hope we can talk about this when you’re ready. It might take a while before she’s ready.
Then go have an awesome elopement with those who CAN share that moment and joy with you right now! Congratulations by the way and welcome to the elopement club. The membership comes with awesome things like your wedding day is ALL about you and your husband and the commitment you have to each other. it also comes with disgruntled family members and friends who can’t believe you didn’t invite them…and an occasional friend whom you did invite but who couldn’t make it cuz she was sick…
Post # 52
Strawberryfarmer: without reading the previous post, I would say if I were in your friend’s shoes i would hesitate to go if you don’t allow me to bring a person with me.
Even for a small wedding, she made it clear she felt uncomfortable. No amount of money can ease her uncomfortness. You can’t just buy people’s happiness.
The more you deny me that plus one, the more I feel you don’t value my comfortness, so why should I accommodate your happiness.
If you also can’t see her side, then you’re not being a good friend either. Money won’t buy you everything.
Post # 53
Strawberryfarmer: Yeah it seems liks she was stringing you along. I can understand her side, but I still think you have every right to be upset. She should have been upfront because I bet she knew from the beginning that she would not be coming. And she should especially not be dodging your calls when he knows this is a big deal. I would be furious.
Post # 54
Strawberryfarmer: It’s not as simple as that, but I respect that’s all you can see it as.
Passive aggressive much? If this is how you have been reacting in regards to your relationship towards her, I can see why she’s giving distance or ignoring you.
Post # 55
I totally get why your bummed out about this. I would be too. She could have done the gracious thing and accepted your more than generous offer but she didn’t. If there is more to this meets the eye on her behalf then I believe she should have the courtesy to let you know what is really going on.
It sounds to me that you went out of your way to make things as comfortable for her as possible without compromising your wishes for the wedding. You do not owe her a plus one. If I were your friend I would just suck it up and go. It’s your wedding – It happens once.
Post # 56
tampalove35: okay – I won’t be passive aggressive: I thought your response was unhelpful and it reflected poor understanding of my request. Despite repeating myself over and over that a plus one is not an option, you stated that the “simple” answer was that I should give her one. Rather than be angry with you for for nonhelpful, poor response, I acknowledged our differences and respectfully walked away.
Post # 57
Soon2ElopeBee: Thank you! Insightful, helpful comments like yours that help me see the situation from a different viewpoint are why I came to the bee for advice 🙂 I will give her space and leave the door open to talk about it at another time point. I’ll let her take whatever space she needs and I’ll try to lick my own wounds and not take it so personally.
I am determined to see the wonderful things about the day and not get too caught up in the sadness of missing her.
Post # 58
Strawberryfarmer: and OP? having been outta the single girl wo a date at a wedding for the last 8 years really is too long and I can see why you’d forget but it really does only get worse with age!
And what’s the WB for if not to vent our happy and not-so-happy moments (like clawing the air jealous and insecure everyone’s married but me moments!)?
Post # 59
Strawberryfarmer: Here’s the thing: You are entitled to invite her without a date, but you are not entitled to be pissed that she declined. At the same time, she’s entitled to decline your invitation but she’s not entitled to be pissed that you won’t give her a date.
I agree with PPs that this isn’t a friendship-ending slight (or a slight at all). You wanted her to do something that would make her uncomfortable, and she said no. It happens, but it’s not the end of the world.
I think you should accept her regrets graciously, send her the personalized stuff, and ask her to return the travel money.
You can’t hold it against her that you decided to spend money on gifts for her without confirming her attendance. That’s not her fault, and five weeks is plenty of advance notice to RSVP for a wedding. Two to four weeks ahead is the standard RSVP deadline.
Post # 60
I have a little bit of a problem with the “this day is all about ME” attitude. Sure, my wedding is about me and my fiance, but it is also about our family and friends, and I want to do whatever is in my power to make sure they are comfortable and have a good time. It sounds like she expressed several times that she was uncomfortable being there without a plus one. Honestly, I don’t blame her. Imagine being the only “outsider” in a group of people who know each other (or at least some others) really well. It has to be super awkward. I think both sides have right & wrong on their sides. Sure, she shouldn’t have waited so long to decline (maybe she thought it was still a possibility?), and some people would have been able to suck it up and deal, but I really don’t think one extra person is going to kill the intimate atmosphere if it is so important to have her there either. Also, please don’t write off the friendship over this. This is soooo not worth it in the grand scheme of life if she is a good friend.
ETA: “I would much rather have her not come that bring a random person” That’s fair. She is giving you your way then. My guess is hers “I would rather not go than have to attend alone” If you want your ultimatum to be respected, you should respect hers, and vice versa.