(Closed) Close friend decided not to join us… I'm really bummed.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 121
Member
47420 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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Strawberryfarmer:  You can close the post.

Post # 122
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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Overjoyed:  I agree with everything you stated 100%

Post # 123
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

OP, I understand that you’re hurt. I can see your friend’s side, and although to you she “knows” your family and should feel comfortable, not everyone would feel similarly. I’m an introvert, though people who don’t know me very well would never guess it. I’m bubbly and friendly and can joke around with ease, but at heart I’m a loner and I get major social anxiety in situations where I don’t know anyone and am supposed to mingle, particularly when the rest of the people there know each other and I feel like an outsider intruding on their discussions. This means that work social occasions, FI’s family events, etc are something I dread and panic about beforehand, even though I have met the people in both those scenarios many times (I just don’t know them well on a personal level). In the past when Fiance couldn’t come to my work Christmas party I would skip cocktail hour, arrive the moment dinner started and leave directly after because making small talk with people I don’t have a personal relationship with outside of work makes me feel uncomfortable.

I do think you went out of your way to make sure she could attend (paying for travel & accommodations, etc) and if it were me and one of my dearest friends was getting married I think I would have sucked it up and at least gone for one night to attend the wedding. If I wasn’t allowed to bring a guest (read: crutch!) I probably wouldn’t have stayed the rest of the time and participated in the other events, especially since everyone else there has a “person.” No matter what you do, being the only one not part of a couple is super awkward, especially when the others are all family.

Like you said, for you this was non-negotiable. You would rather have had her not attend than bring someone. So that is what she’s doing. Apparently for her, it was non-negotiable in the other direction. I’m sure she was struggling to psych herself up for it and trying not to disappoint you. I can’t imagine she’ll try to keep the money…has she done anything to make you believe she would? I would be shocked if she didn’t give that back.

Bottom line: If I were you I would have let her bring someone, but I totally get that it was non-negotiable for you. If I were her I would have sucked it up and gone for one night, but I get that it was extremely uncomfortable for her. Neither person is “right” or “worng” here IMO, your non-negotiables just contradicted each other.

I would give her some space for a bit and try to cool down about it, then try to reach out and let her know how it makes you feel. Really be open to how she feels too. If y’all are really that close I don’t think this is worth losing the friendship over.

Post # 124
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Ah, I was typing that when OP flew the coop. Good luck.

Post # 125
Member
11734 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

My friendship would be more important than a stranger there but that’s just me. It’s your day you can do what you’d like. I think both of you played a role in it coming to this point. It’s unfortunate but I would be doing everything I could to salvage the relationship if it was someone I considered a sister. Good friends are hard to find. 

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