Post # 1
I am getting married (eloping) in Hawaii next February. My mom and sister wanted to hold a shower for me (which I was opposed to), but I gave in and they are throwing me a pool party with lots of food and wine, I am excited!
My mom invited one of my close friends who lives about an hour away. And she responded saying she couldn’t make it because she probably has to work. The shower is over two months away, and I find it hard to believe she couldn’t get a day off.
As some backgrounder, this friend is very anti-marriage, but I thought she’d be happy for us, she’s close with my fiance as well. I feel it’s a little rude to ask her about why she couldn’t come, but I am genuinely upset. I really wanted her to be there to celebrate with! Should I say something or just leave it be?
Post # 2
Leave it be. No one is obligated to come to your shower. She could genuinely have to work, might not be in a great financial situation, or could just not feel like going to any showers. All are fine reasons not to attend.
Post # 3
jade31 : I’m assuming she is not invited to your wedding.
I may be wrong. I think you aren’t supposed to invite people to especially a gift giving event when they aren’t invited to the wedding.
Yo asked and she said no. Don’t dwell on it and use it as a way to measure your friendship.
Post # 4
It’s rude to cross examine someone who has told you she will be unable to attend. While she has already supplied a perfectly legitimate excuse, no one owes you any justification at all.
Whether your suspicions are accurate or not are beside the point.
Post # 5
Two of my bridesmaids planned a trip together which meant they had to miss my shower, after the shower date had been decided. And it didn’t bother me in the slightest, I understood that their personal lives and work schedules/time off were much more important than an optional party. Especially if you aren’t even inviting this friend to the wedding, I don’t think you have any grounds to be upset
Post # 6
You have no way off knowing whether or not she could take the day off. Some people have limited vacation time. Also, she did the right thing & declined. Let it go.
Post # 7
“I find it hard to believe she couldn’t get a day off”
1. You’re expecting her to lose a day’s pay if she’s an hourly employee. If she’s a salaried employee, you’re expecting her to negotiate this with her boss.
2. You’re assuming your shower/ pool party is the only event going on. Perhaps she’s already requested days off for other events and has maxed out her requests at work.
3. Perhaps she’s wanting to accummulate time off for something she’s planning for herself and doesn’t want to use up any time off unnecessarily.
4. Perhaps this simply isn’t something she wants to use a day off on. As weddingmaven : says in her post, you’re not supposed to cross examine someone on why they can’t attend. A good host doesn’t chase down declines to demand reasons* and you’re not even the host here, you’re the guest of honour, so even more presumptuous for you to question her on this.
*I would make an exception in extenuating circumstances if the host or friend was worried about the person declining, (it’s understandable to be worried about a friend in a controlling relationship or who has declined a lot of events and you worry they may be depressed or have something else worrying going on in their lives) but in this case I’d check in on the friend in general, not make it specifically about the invite. This clearly isn’t the case in this situation though as it’s a ‘why aren’t you making my special event more of a priority?’ concern than a ‘gee, I’m worried about my friend’ concern.
Post # 8
jade31 : leave it be. Showers….aren’t fun. They are events i dread going to, but do so to be polite. If i lived an hour away, I’d be happy to have a good excuse not to go. Are you really going to give this friend a hard time for not wanting to drive TWO HOURS to attend a gifting party where she has to make small talk with your relatives? Seriously?
Post # 9
lifeisbeeutiful : cherryberrypie : weddingmaven : sapphire27 : cameobride : RobbieAndJuliahaha : catskillsinjune : Thanks for your input everyone! I see where you’re coming from, it’s just hard when you want your friend to celebrate with you!
I’m having a wedding back in Canada after we elope, so everyone coming to the shower will be invited to a real wedding. I’ll just let it be at this point.
Post # 10
Why on Earth is the definition of happiness for other people mean “skipping work and driving two hours to swim in a pool and buy you a gift for for a wedding she’s not even invited to”??? At least I am guessing she is not invited since you say you are eloping. Is there seriously no other definition of being happy for you? You can’t think of any other way someone could express happiness for you. If they don’t do this then clearly they aren’t happy for you?
If you want her to attend that badly, offer to pay her the missing wages and gas money it would cost her to attend. You don’t seem to think that is a very big price to pay, so surely it should be no big deal to come out of your pocket then.
Post # 11
It’s kinda rude to invite someone to the shower who isn’t invited to the wedding.
I’m always astounded at people’s certainty that someone else can take a random day off. Unless you currently work in the same location for the same company you have no idea whether they can get that day off. To be honest a shower is not something I’d be happy about taking off work for even if I could get it off.
Post # 12
annabananabee : I guess I didn’t look at it that way. We are close with her family, and I’ve always made an effort to be present at every shower, birthday party, etc. etc. For me it’s not about the gifts at all, but rather being there. I think a shower, while people might get me gifts, is also a way to show your support for someone. I always go out of my way to attend my friends’ events, at the end of the day it show that they’re important in your life.
Post # 13
jade31 : Hi, fellow Canadian here- truly not trying to be bitchy here, but the reality is, if you’re eloping then what you’re planning on having afterward is a party not a wedding. Which is 100% fine, I’m not against eloping and doing the after-party whatsoever, it’s actually quite an appealing idea. But at the same time, you can’t expect others to see your Canadian event as anything more than an ‘after’ event.
I’m also looking at this from your friend’s p.o.v. Yes, I can get time off work if needed. But my time off work is even more precious to me than any $$$ involved. I like to be able to plan what to do with my limited time off, whether it’s visiting family, planning a vaca or spending a week on pre-planned home renovations. I’ve lost track of the number of times people have said ‘can you book off….’ Sorry, but unless you’re immediate family, this is pretty presumptuous of my limited time off.
Post # 14
Agree with previous posters – let it be. She also might need to take time off for your post wedding celebration in Canada and be saving up for that. You never know what’s going on in other people’s lives that make them not able to go to events, or not want to. And tbh I see a bridal shower as pretty low on a priority list vs. being at the wedding day.
Post # 15
Agree with everyone else. I don’t go to every event I’m ever invited to and I would be pissed if people called me out and questioned my reasoning. Also I think it’s kinda hypocritical that This is a party you originally didn’t even want (maybe you made that known to people) but now you’re mad your friend isn’t changing her life around to attend.
Also, I don’t think going/not going to a shower had anything to do with being pro/anti marriage. I think you’re reading way too much into this. And at least st showers I’ve gone to, you have some food, give a gift and go home. There’s never any ‘support our marriage’ perspective involved- that’s more at the actual wedding.