Close friend missing Bridal Shower

posted 3 years ago in Guests
Post # 2
6167 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Leave it be. No one is obligated to come to your shower. She could genuinely have to work, might not be in a great financial situation, or could just not feel like going to any showers. All are fine reasons not to attend. 

Post # 3
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
jade31 :  I’m assuming she is not invited to your wedding.

I may be wrong. I think you aren’t supposed to invite people to especially a gift giving event when they aren’t invited to the wedding.

Yo asked and she said no. Don’t dwell on it and use it as a way to measure your friendship.

Post # 4
13720 posts
Honey Beekeeper

It’s rude to cross examine someone who has told you she will be unable to attend. While she has already supplied a perfectly legitimate excuse, no one owes you any justification at all. 

Whether your suspicions are accurate or not are beside the point.

Post # 5
3459 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Two of my bridesmaids planned a trip together which meant they had to miss my shower, after the shower date had been decided. And it didn’t bother me in the slightest, I understood that their personal lives and work schedules/time off were much more important than an optional party. Especially if you aren’t even inviting this friend to the wedding, I don’t think you have any grounds to be upset 

Post # 6
3233 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

You have no way off knowing whether or not she could take the day off. Some people have limited vacation time. Also, she did the right thing & declined. Let it go. 

Post # 7
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

“I find it hard to believe she couldn’t get a day off” 

1. You’re expecting her to lose a day’s pay if she’s an hourly employee. If she’s a salaried employee, you’re expecting her to negotiate this with her boss. 

2. You’re assuming your shower/ pool party is the only event going on. Perhaps she’s already requested days off for other events and has maxed out her requests at work. 

3. Perhaps she’s wanting to accummulate time off for something she’s planning for herself and doesn’t want to use up any time off unnecessarily. 

4. Perhaps this simply isn’t something she wants to use a day off on. As 

View original reply
weddingmaven :  says in her post, you’re not supposed to cross examine someone on why they can’t attend. A good host doesn’t chase down declines to demand reasons* and you’re not even the host here, you’re the guest of honour, so even more presumptuous for you to question her on this. 

*I would make an exception in extenuating circumstances if the host or friend was worried about the person declining,  (it’s understandable to be worried about a friend in a controlling relationship or who has declined a lot of events and you worry they may be depressed or have something else worrying going on in their lives) but in this case I’d check in on the friend in general, not make it specifically about the invite. This clearly isn’t the case in this situation though as it’s a ‘why aren’t you making my special event more of a priority?’ concern than a ‘gee, I’m worried about my friend’ concern. 

Post # 8
3353 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

View original reply
jade31 :  leave it be. Showers….aren’t fun. They are events i dread going to, but do so to be polite. If i lived an hour away, I’d be happy to have a good excuse not to go. Are you really going to give this friend a hard time for not wanting to drive TWO HOURS to attend a gifting party where she has to make small talk with your relatives? Seriously?

Post # 10
4958 posts
Honey bee

Why on Earth is the definition of happiness for other people mean “skipping work and driving two hours to swim in a pool and buy you a gift for for a wedding she’s not even invited to”???  At least I am guessing she is not invited since you say you are eloping. Is there seriously no other definition of being happy for you? You can’t think of any other way someone could express happiness for you. If they don’t do this then clearly they aren’t happy for you?

If you want her to attend that badly, offer to pay her the missing wages and gas money it would cost her to attend.  You don’t seem to think that is a very big price to pay, so surely it should be no big deal to come out of your pocket then.

Post # 11
1012 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

It’s kinda rude to invite someone to the shower who isn’t invited to the wedding. 

I’m always astounded at people’s certainty that someone else can take a random day off. Unless you currently work in the same location for the same company you have no idea whether they can get that day off. To be honest a shower is not something I’d be happy about taking off work for even if I could get it off. 

Post # 13
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
jade31 :  Hi, fellow Canadian here- truly not trying to be bitchy here, but the reality is, if you’re eloping then what you’re planning on having afterward is a party not a wedding. Which is 100% fine, I’m not against eloping and doing the after-party whatsoever, it’s actually quite an appealing idea. But at the same time, you can’t expect others to see your Canadian event as anything more than an ‘after’ event. 

I’m also looking at this from your friend’s p.o.v. Yes, I can get time off work if needed. But my time off work is even more precious to me than any $$$ involved. I like to be able to plan what to do with my limited time off, whether it’s visiting family, planning a vaca or spending a week on pre-planned home renovations. I’ve lost track of the number of times people have said ‘can you book off….’ Sorry, but unless you’re immediate family, this is pretty presumptuous of my limited time off. 


Post # 14
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

Agree with previous posters – let it be. She also might need to take time off for your post wedding celebration in Canada and be saving up for that. You never know what’s going on in other people’s lives that make them not able to go to events, or not want to. And tbh I see a bridal shower as pretty low on a priority list vs. being at the wedding day.

Post # 15
1989 posts
Buzzing bee

Agree with everyone else. I don’t go to every event I’m ever invited to and I would be pissed if people called me out and questioned my reasoning. Also I think it’s kinda hypocritical that This is a party you originally didn’t even want (maybe you made that known to people) but now you’re mad your friend isn’t changing her life around to attend. 

Also, I don’t think going/not going to a shower had anything to do with being pro/anti marriage. I think you’re reading way too much into this. And at least st showers I’ve gone to, you have some food, give a gift and go home. There’s never any ‘support our marriage’ perspective involved- that’s more at the actual wedding. 

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