Post # 1
I apologize for the length of this email:
My fiance and I are blessed with very close friends and family. I knew that my wedding party would be larger than I wanted from the beginning and only wanted my closest friends and family in the wedding party as attendants. We are having a Catholic wedding, but not a full mass, and including as many of our close family members and friends in the ceremony. For example, my cousin will play her violin for the prelude, my godmother will be a reader, my close friends not in wedding party will read prayers of the faithful, our teenage cousins will serve as greeters and pass out programs.
It was very difficult for my fiance and I to agree on a strict number of attendant, but I want to emphasize that we wanted our family members (sisters, brother, brother in laws) to be in our wedding party, as well as our closest friends. I am having a HUGE number of attendants in my opinion–8 attendants on each side plus four ushers (our brother in laws, my godfather and fiance’s uncle who introduced us). One of my friends whom I was close to in college and was a bridesmaid in her wedding four years ago is not in my bridal party. I have been in nine weddings in the past ten years and there are several other friends who are not in my wedding party.
This woman and I are still friends, but not very close. Once she had her first child she acted as if my life were unimportant and rarely responded to my phone calls, emails or visits unless I was invited to a celebration of one of her children. I even talked to her about this and she suggested that I was selfish and immature since I was single and childless.
Recently my fiance and I asked our attendants to stand in our wedding. The unasked friend is not close to the other attendants, but found out via our mutual friends’ facebook page, that I had asked my attendants. She called me asking why she was not an attendant and accused me of not choosing her because she is overweight! This is ridiculous. I tried to be sensitive and empathetic, but she is just not my closest friend. Now her feelings are hurt and she and her family are refusing to attend my engagement party or wedding.
Has anyone faced this situation and how have you dealt with it? I am not allowing this friend to coerce me into adding another bridesmaid. I also want to be considerate of her feelings and maintain our friendship if this issue can be resolved. Thanks in advance for any advice!
Post # 3
Additionally, there were at least four friends that I did not include in the wedding party that I am closer to than this friend. To be honest, a lot of them were relieved not to be an attendant yet again! So it is not like this friend is right below the cut off. I feel ridiculous even talking about this and didn’t think this would cause me as much stress as it has.
Post # 4
I personally find it really ballsy of people to assume that they will be in your bridal party just because you were a part of theirs. As for this friend, it sounds like even if you did include her in your party she would be a big pain. I think you should invite her out for coffee or lunch or something and gently explain to her that you and your fiance have chosen your attendants carefully and unfortunately cannot include everyone. Also let her know how much you look forward to her being at your wedding to support you. If she doesn’t understand after that then maybe your friendship with her isn’t what you thought it was. Sadly, people grow and change and its unfortunate that you have to deal with this friend during your wedding planning time. Hopefully she understands and it works out for the best. Good luck!
Post # 5
Man, I was all full of comments, but then Wolff2Be stole them all. I agree that it may not be fun, but sit down and explain it (though it sounds like you have already) and if she still can’t understand it, it may be time to let the friendship end. Best of luck, and try not to let this stress you out too much! Make your fiance give you a backrub and tell you everything is going to be just fine 🙂
Post # 6
Yikes! First off, your friend’s reaction is way out of line. And frankly, I wouldn’t blame you for deciding to write her off as a friend, especially after that ridiculous accusation that you didn’t choose her because she is overweight. The fact that you still want to soothe her hurt feelings means you’re probably a really nice person! 🙂
I agree with Wolff2Be and HistoryBride — take one last shot at sitting down with her and explaining your decision. Tell her you feel terrible that she’s so hurt by this, and explain that you went with family first, and were unable to ask several of your friends. Emphasize how much you’d like her to be there with her family as a guest. If she’s so self-absorbed that she won’t accept your explanation and will still boycott your wedding unless you add her as an attendant, you’ve done all you can and you can go home with a clean conscience. One of my favorite writers has a saying, "Friendships have a lifespan." This one might be nearing its end, and that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or a bad friend.
Something else just occured to me … has your friend always been overweight? If the weight gain is recent (say, post-baby), she might be feeling really self-conscious and unhappy about it, and maybe she’s honestly worried that her weight is the reason you didn’t ask her. Maybe all she needs is some more reassurance that you aren’t excluding her because of her appearence.
Post # 7
You’re a good person and that’s why it troubles you that this lady has her feelings hurt BUT….unless her whole family is the majority of your guest list I would try to put this incident behind you…and even if her family was your entire wedding guest list I would just forget about it.
You did your best in explaining and the right of choosing who you want in no one’s but yours!
It seems her self-esteem is in the dumps and her dream family life is not doing it for her anymore…she needs a ‘project’ to fill her days and I suggest she joins a cooking class…!
Post # 8
a real friend wouldn’t hold it against you if you decided not to put her in the wedding. her approach could have been different like letting you know that she would love to be int he wedding in some way if you decided it was ok. she shouldn’t be your problem. it seems like a blessing not to have her in the wedding.
Post # 9
The ladies before me have said pretty much all that i can think of. I cannot imagine someone calling me to ask why she/he was not asked. How embarrasing. Maybe this friend of yours is a little jealous because now you wont be "single and childless"? You are now the center of attention in many aspects and she doesn’t like it. Now you are just as busy with your planning as she is with her children so now she wants in on the mix. Frankly, she is just a selfish person and wants to rain on your parade.