(Closed) Close friend skipping bachelorette b/c she thinks dinner costs too much

posted 9 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Is this person in your wedding party or just a friend? If she’s not in the wedding party then maybe she just shouldn’t be included in the bachelorette. If she can’t be bothered to attend the dinner portion of the evening, then why should she get to celebrate afterward? And what are you doing afterward – drinks? bar hop? If she could come hang out for that, is she willing to spend money only on drinks and partying with you guys after the dinner, or does she expect people to pay for her drinks? Sounds like this girl is being real selfish. I mean, $40? Really? I know people aren’t made of money but from what you’ve said she has it but just won’t spend it on dinner for your bachelorette party. Is your MoH friends with this girl too? If so, I’d have her pass on the message that it’s not cool to just show up later because she doesn’t want to pay. I fell like you shouldn’t have to be caught in the middle of this. Let your MoH do the dirty work if she is willing (even if she doesn’t know the girl). If it was me and this girl showed up later because she couldn’t fork over $40, it would just piss me off and ruin my fun.

Post # 4
Member
37 posts
Newbee

If she’s a bridesmaid, maybe have on of your other BMs or you Maid/Matron of Honor talk to her in a casual way, but let her know that it’s not about the $$, it’s about the time together. I agree with Kittyachi though, if she’s not in the bridal party then maybe she just shouldn’t go…

Post # 5
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Our home and the two acres it sits on

Well, hmmm.  I think personal financial decisions should be left alone, odd though they may seem.  Maybe she’s saving up for something — anymore, that could be a layoff.  Maybe she just has a very firm sense of what is and isn’t worth her dollars.  I think you should try not to take it personally, have fun at dinner with the rest of your friends, and meet up with her later.  She’s likely always been this way, and likely won’t change anytime soon.

A friendly request that she join might be worth the effort, but anymore than that and I think you’re risking overstepping.  Try to focus on the people who will be joining rather than the one who won’t, and have fun!

Post # 6
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

There’s not much you can do about it.  You can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to.  I’m sorry you’re hurting but I guess there shouldn’t have been an expectation from this friend if she has pulled this before.  Money is such a touchy subject and everyone cares for their dollars differently.

Post # 7
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I agree with Cheese.  I think if she is a Bridesmaid or Best Man, she should have discussed with the Maid/Matron of Honor that she didn’t want to do a prix fixe dinner.  If she’s not, I really don’t see the problem with her coming later to hit the bars.  I realize you want to hang out with your friend, but it’s not like her behavior is surprising or new.  She’s always been this way.  Whatever she chooses to do with her money is really her business, and some people may consider $40 a lot to spend on dinner.  If you want her at your bachelorette party at all, you should let her come late if that’s what she wants to do.

Post # 8
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

as someone who was a bridesmaid 4 times while putting myself through law school, i understand where your friend is coming from.  thats an expensive dinner…and she is coming later-its not like she is just blowing it off.  how people chose to spend their money is no one else’s business…

Post # 9
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I agree with what Cheese and LegalBee said. You never can really be sure of somebody’s money situation. If she’s on a strict budget, $40 could put a serious dent in it. 

Post # 10
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Just for the record, just so people know where I was coming from and that I’m not a total snob – in NYC, $40 is NOT an expensive dinner. That is actually really good for a prix fixe dinner. And forget about drinking in bars in NY – $8 beers and $10 cocktails are the standard.

Post # 11
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

Maybe $40 isn’t an expensive meal for NYC standards, but maybe she had only budgeted $100 for the night and wants to be able to drink and make the money last into the night. I can see being disappointed, but I think you need to respect her decision and be happy she’s joining you later on. 

Post # 12
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Hmm, I can see both sides. If I wasn’t in the wedding party, I may have passed, too, depedning on how much I had to put into the wedding as far as travel costs and such. I know $40 isn’t a lot, but if the wedding is coming, and this person has to travel and get a hotel room and give a gift, I can see why she would want to watch her spending (especially with the way the economy is and people trying to watch every penny they spend). I live in a city, too, though (Chicago) so I can agree with Kittyachi that $40 for a meal is NOT that bad. So I dunno. However, if I WAS in the wedding party, I would be there with bells on, because I would have budgeted that cost in my "BM duty" costs.

I also have some friends that have very different ideas of spending. I have one friend in particular who makes more than I do, has a lesser cost of living and never buys anything because she saves everything, but complains about the costs of things and talks a lot about having no money and being "poor." It’s annoying, so I can understand that, but I’ve learned to brush it off because you really can’t tell people what to do when it comes to money. Once people stop inviting her to these things, maybe she’ll get the hint, or maybe she’ll loose a lot of friends. Either way, not your problem, right? Everyone that cares enough about you will be there. Have fun that night!

Post # 13
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Agree with what’s already been said about it being more inappropriate if she is a Bridesmaid or Best Man vs. not in the wedding. Also, over the years I have come to admire my ‘cheap’ friends a bit – I have those friends that will drive across town to buy paper towels because they are on sale, and roll my eyes and think ‘Really? Go crazy, spare that 50 cents." The thing is though, it’s true what they say about money adding up and over the years I’ve been impressed to see how much these ladies have managed to save on relatively modest salaries.

 

Post # 14
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee

I can totally see both sides also. I think, for me, what it comes down to is would you be sad if she didn’t attend your b-party at all? Are you close enough friends that looking back you’d think "I wish ‘friend’ had been there". If that’s the case, then I think you should chalk it up to well that’s how she is but I’m glad she showed up later on in the evening.
My cousin’s (only) sister (who was her MOH) didn’t show up to her b-party because she had already made plans to go away that weekend with friends. It made my cousin really sad that her only sister didn’t feel like it was important enough to be there with her. We still had a great night out, but there were a lot of hurt feelings for my cousin and then regret from her sister about her not being there.

Post # 15
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m sorry that you’re disappointed she’s missing dinner, but I think it’s great that she’s able to come out later in the night because she still wants to make an effort to celebrate with you.  No matter what your budget is, $40 is an expensive dinner, especially when you don’t get to choose where you’re going and what you’re eating.   It’s an even more expensive dinner when it is to be followed by a night out where you will be expected to buy not only your own drinks but also drinks for the bride-to-be. 

It may not be so expensive she CAN’T afford it, but I respect her for saying it’s too rich for her blood and that she wants to celebrate with you later. 

Post # 16
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I get how you feel.  Several of my friends are cheap in this way.  I once picked a restaurant for a birthday dinner after checking both the prices and whether they offered a vegetarian selection specifically so a friend of mine (who’s in BP) would come.  She informed that she felt that the vegetarian selections weren’t quite worth the price (not that the price was too high) and so was going to bail out.  I was hurt by that and other things, but then I realized it’s not about how she feels about me.  I know that she cares about me a lot, but this is her limitation.  I’ve considered addressing it with her, but I know it won’t change her opinion on the matter (she’s talked to me generically about how she feels about these things a fair bit).   

I think it’s not totally out of line to address this with yuor friend, but you should be prepared for her not to respond in the way you might like.  The fact that this is a long standing pattern and that she’s making the effort to come out afterward shows tht she cares.  It doesn’t change that it’s hurtful to you b/c you’ll miss her company, but it might feel better if you are able to separate her behavior in general from how it reflects on how much she cares bout you…it sounds like she does.  I hope that helps 🙂

And don’t even get me started on my Maid/Matron of Honor and these types of issues…

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