Close friends and family declining RSVP, how to respond/deal?

posted 2 months ago in Guests
Post # 16
22 posts

tabbyj :  wait, FI SIL is getting married two weeks after you? Why wouldn’t they come to your wedding if the ceremonies aren’t same day? 

Post # 18
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

This really sucks. It’s astounding your SIL scheduled her “reception” so close to your wedding without thinking.  It’s so unfair to you guys!!!

Has your fiance brought this up to his parents about their family declining/not RSVPing? I’m wondering if your FMIL is the type who would discreetly check in on those who haven’t sent their RSVPs yet and let them know how much it would mean if they could make it.


Post # 19
435 posts
Helper bee

When I get messages like those, I usually respond with “Okay.” especially if it’s a really elaborate explanation of why someone has to disappoint me.

I really feel your hurt and I hope you can enjoy the day with the people who really matter. 🙂

Post # 20
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

The first two posts I wrote were marked as Spam too! I was pretty frustrated after having spent so much time on them. Oh well.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this! I can’t imagine what your FI’s sister was thinking… seems like a major faux pas to plan her date 2 weeks after your’s. In fact, my FI’s family has pretty much an unspoken rule that engagements and weddings must allow for some time between, you have to take your turn, lol. Before my FI and I got engaged and were talking about it, one of his cousins got engaged. My FI’s father joked to FI, “missed your chance, get back in line”. I would just take the high road and roll with it. I’m sure other guests may have taken notice of the promixity and the fact that they recieved your save the date 2 months prior. But due to family obligation they may have had to pick your FI’s sister’s reception. Not saying it’s a total bummer though.

And speaking of your friend, I can’t imagine a weekend trip with her bf’s family being more important than your wedding. That said, I would just reply, “I’m sorry to hear that, you will be missed” or something. Thing is, she’s either not a really great friend, or she is and she’s going to have some regrets down the road in declining. Best you can do is hold your head high, not take it personally, and focus your attention on the guests that will attend and your wonderful FI. Best of luck bee!

Post # 21
4994 posts
Honey bee

slothbear :  

Yes, me too. No “sorry I’ll miss you” or anything’. Just “OK”   (Or “Oh, OK”) 

OP The SIL getting  ‘married’ and not telling  people she already  is married is beyond awful, but as you say,  not a lot you can do about it – though I would  be seriously tempted to ‘accidentally’ tell a person I knew to be a great family gossip ….

Post # 22
7275 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

tabbyj :  Oh man. I’m sorry. My only advice is in the form of my own story…

My first decline was from one of my closest friends. While I was first friends with Matt, I was there when he met his husband (Rob) and became very close to Rob, including hanging out one-on-one with him. We were so close that when they moved while I was still single they tried to get me to move with them and eventually be a nanny for their eventual kids. They would spend the holidays with my extended family because their familes weren’t supportive. 

Anyway- Matt was in my wedding and knew the date for 8 months but a couple months before the date he called to let me know Rob and their kids wouldn’t be coming. He said it was because they couldn’t afford to all fly out. I have my suspecions about this excuse because they are fairly well off, but shook it off because maybe there was some issue I didn’t know about. Except… as soon as we were past that part of the conversation he tells me they JUST planned a cross-country roadtrip to take place the month before my wedding. They would be flying Matt’s mother out to meet them in Florida so she could go to Disneyworld with them and then drive back with them. Um…. Pretty sure all of that was gonna cost WAY more than a one hour flight to my wedding. 

It was super disappointing and when Matt took a call from Rob while my party hung out the night before the wedding I was pretty annoyed to have to put on a happy face and talk to him about how he was SO SAD to miss it. But you know what? It didn’t matter one bit to me on the day. My wedding was perfect and I didn’t miss anyone that wasn’t there at all, honestly. I just focused on all the love and support around me and it was awesome. 

I will say, my feelings toward Rob (and to some degree Matt) have cooled slightly, but it’s really not that bad. Basically- try not to dwell on it and believe me that the good will far outweight the bad. 

Post # 25
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Oh gosh – Hugs .. so many hugs!  Well look at it this way it is definitely weeding out the people in your life who do not consider you and your happiness their top priority.

Really focus on making sure your guests are treasured at your wedding.  Take your disappointment and turn it into the excitement of showing your guests a fantastic time! Maybe add some more yummy dishes to the menu, the band doing something special and fun, showing your love to everyone in a special way.  Do something over the top and wonderful!

Your day will be so memorable! The no-shows will regret not coming!!

Post # 26
281 posts
Helper bee

I am sorry 🙂

I know this feeling well. I have had a three very disappointing ‘regrets.’ The first two are from my respective aunts and uncles who said they were so happy for us and wanted to attend…but for whatever reason sent their regrets 10 months in advance. I doubt it is coincidental that when one pair sent their regrets the other did almost immediately after. The second is from a close family friend who backed out when both of her independent adult children decided they couldn’t make it to the wedding.

I don’t have a solution for you, because we are going through this too at the moment. I do plan to have a lot of pictures taken of the special day and perhaps in that indirect way guests can see what they missed.


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