Close-minded for not wanting FH kissing someone else?

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - Gatlinburg, TN

I also have a bad taste in my mouth after reading that. Your friend sounds like an asshole. He claims to be open minded yet judges others who have a different view closed minded, selfish, controlling or judgmental. His wife is not ok with him being with another woman yet he claims she is trying to “work on her insecurities.” Meaning it’s his way or no way. He doesn’t sound like a good person and I feel sorry for his wife. If I were you I would distance myself from this guy.

Post # 62
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

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personaperson :  missing the point again. In monogamy it is expected that other people will not be kissed by the partners in a monogamous relationship. Willingly entering into such a relationship is not control. Trying to tell your partner in a monogamous relationship that they are insecure for not being ok with you kissing other people is control. That is the definition of abusive because you are unilaterally moving the goal posts based on an arbitrary and untrue idea, thus gaslighting your partner. 

Post # 63
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

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personaperson :  

“Imagine I demanded of you that you take a vow to never cut your hair, wear only blue clothes, always serve me food first, make every meal and serve it to me on your knees, and never spoke to another person without asking my permission first.”

You seem to be using hyperbole to make your point. 

I still disagree that it’s control when someone has entered into an arrangement knowing full well the terms and the boundaries of that arrangement. That person has then chosen those limits for themselves rather than had them imposed on them by the other person.

It would be like saying my boss is trying to control me because he expects me to show up for work and do my job. I took those duties on myself when I decided to accept my paycheck. If I don’t like it, I can walk out of the agreement any time I want.

Post # 64
Member
4993 posts
Honey bee

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personaperson :  Sometimes I think you come from a totally different universe than my own. In your universe the women all propose to the men (and they accept happily) and all the waiting for a proposal is done by men. And now you’re telling me that expectations of fidelity are all about control. You’ve really lost me here. 

Expecting someone to be faithful is not the same as not wanting them to eat, drink or watch something. In true monogamy control arises from the individual himself, not the individual’s partner. You control your own actions so that you stay on the path you have chosen and dont find yourself in a compromising position. You do not do this because your partner might be upset. You do this so YOU wont be upset. 

Post # 65
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

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personaperson :  But what if we don’t want our partner to smoke, drink 4 alcoholic beverages everyday, or stay up too late on a work night? A relationship involves partners setting boundaries, which doesn’t have to be controlling. Whether both consider the expected as reasonable may be related to compatibility. 

Post # 66
Member
731 posts
Busy bee

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moissamight :  If you are trying to make them do it (rather than them just wanting to do it) then you are trying to control them. The fact that someobdy would be better off if they did (or didn’t) do sometihng doesn’t mean that trying to make them do (or not do) it is not controlilng.  If the governmetn bans sugar or makes it legally required to work out every day it is still trying to control you, even though the ban would be good for you.  

And Sunburn- if people are monogamous just because they want to be, cool. Great. Awesome. That’s certainly how I am. That’s not about control. But many people in these discussions are trying to tell their partner how to behave. That IS about control. 

If I live in a different universe than you, than I think the one I’m in is a pretty great one and I’d happily invite you to join it. 

Post # 67
Member
731 posts
Busy bee

Do you think if your partner said you can’t call your family or have coffee with friends, only with me it would be controlling?

Post # 68
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

I’m guessing Mike is already fucking someone else and is frantic to have his wife accept this before the truth inevitably comes out, so that he could reframe the narrative (“We have an agreement!”) and act aggrieved.

Post # 69
Member
2615 posts
Sugar bee

“…but how can one be so open-minded while also being insulting and judgmental of someone else’s preferences just because they ‘go with the flow’ of society?”

Exactly, he is a hypocrite AND a jerk! 

I knew a guy like this in an open relationship that clearly his partner only went along with because she felt that that was the price of staying together. Spoiler: he eventually broke up with her, and he agreed to be monogamous with the next girl he dated. Turned out, having the relationship open just kept them both in a bad relationship for longer than they should have stayed. 

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