(Closed) Closing the LDR gap

posted 5 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
Member
7298 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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MiniMeow:  We’re not long distance, but in my relationship DH’s is the breadwinner so his job (and it’s location) is priority. Thankfully, he can sort of base anywhere (although being on the southeast coast) is most convenient. Because of that we’re able to live in my hometown. That being said, I wouldn’t be opposed to moving if we had to because his job pays most of our bills. For most of my friends, it’s the same way.

I think if you’re sort of equal in pay/career – it really just depends on where you see yourself. Discuss what you want out of a future home/area and then start doing research. Go visit places. Ask for suggestions.

A few of my friends were faced with this situation out of college and were in serious relationships/engagements. Most of them agreed with their partner that they’d move to wherever the best job offer was for either of them. 

Post # 4
Member
1321 posts
Bumble bee

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MiniMeow:  My parents did this when they decided they wanted to move out of state to a brand new place, somewhere with a lower cost of living. They took a weekend trip and toured different cities, and picked a favorite and started house hunting there.

Fiance and I are VERY long distance (two different countries, I’m in grad school abroad) but it’s always been the plan I will move back and continue my education in NYC where he lives. We both went ot undergrad there, he has established a career there, and we both love the city, so that was a no-brainer for us. Now, there is a possibility that he might have a fantastic job offer in Boston in the works, so our plan might change. Our compromise is that he’s only allowed to pursue job offers in cities where I’d be willing to go to medical school (NYC, Boston, Baltimore, etc.) So it really depends on both of our career trajectories at the moment, with a little built in flexibility. 

Post # 5
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017 - France

We compared job opportunities, the economy in our respective countries, and where our families were.

I’m from the Caribbean, St. Croix, USVI and SO is from France so we were a long ways from each other, the economy is really terrible on my island and we just couldn’t see raising our son there, I was sad to leave my home and family but I wanted a better life for him and his father’s family is there in France SO will still have family around. Now that we’re in France I don’t regret it because even though it’s not the Caribbean it has its own beauty and appeal.

Post # 7
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee

Husband and I were distance for over 3 years while I moved state to state for work, while he finished up his masters and worked his first few years in NY (our home state).

We both knew we didn’t want to return home (or him stay there), so we decided about a year into our relationship that as long as DH was interested in where I was moving, he would “come to me” after I had been living there about 6 months to make sure I even liked it.  We have very similar needs in a city, so it actually worked out for us.  As in, if I didn’t like something, chances are he wouldn’t either.

I had been in FL for a year before I decided it was a place I saw myself being for at least a few more years.  DH moved down, proposed to me a month in and now we are here!  He DID apply for a lot of jobs before moving down though just to see what the market was like (he’s healthcare so it was actually not too bad, and you said you guys have flexible jobs, so that’s always a perk!), what pay was like etc before he pulled the trigger.  

We are happily here in FL, but I don’t think it’s my “forever” home.  I think I have a few moves in me before children, but if not, I could actually be very happy here.  I wouldn’t focus TOO much on being stressed over whether it’s “forever”, because honestly your needs in a location could change.  Your wants could change.  The needs of a family (If you have one) could change it.  I would focus on finding a place that works for both of you in most areas, with some compromise of course.  I would heavily, heavily recommend finding jobs before moving.  

In short, a few things I made as a “rule”:

-You have to try living here six months before you decide you “hate” it.  In my experience, it takes around six months to really get into a routine and determine how a place is.  You can also cycle thorugh a few seasons to see traffic patterns, etc.

-If it becomes too hard for you to find work that you enjoy, we need to move/find middle ground

-If we decide to have children and the area doesn’t provide a good environment for that, we need to move

 

As for whether or not you should BOTH relocate to a new area? I don’t know.  TBH, I think it depends on the couple.  My husband had never left home before, so him moving down here was huge.  I think the fact I had been here a year (even though we moved across the city to a completely different area) really helped his peace of mind.  I looked at apartments for us, introduced him to my friends, knew the area, etc.  It was a lot of stress removed for him.  Me?  I would move ANYWHERE and try ANYTHING once.  I personally don’t find moving stressful, but I’ve also done it alone 6 times in just a few years.  The first time was REALLY hard, but my husband now tells me he would be excited to move again.  If you guys have both moved a lot, I don’t think this would be a big deal.  You’re without kids (yea?), this is the time to do this stuff.

The pro is that if you hate something, you can always leave.  That’s also why I wouldn’t focus on “forever”.  That’s almost impossible to obtain, most people relocate at least once, if not much more.  

All in all though, you mention “SO”.  My husband was once my SO when he moved down here to be with me.  I’m not saying you need to be married to do this together, but keep in mind that if things don’t work out in the new city, you don’t want to be in a place just because of the other person.  You want to live in a place you both like.  This goes for married or not married.  God forbid things don’t work out, you don’t want to be living in the middle of nowhere and angry that you moved all this way just for one person.  I know it sounds romantic to a lot of people to move to a place they hate (I actually have plenty of friends who have done this), but it grows resentment REAL fast, even if you stay together. 

My vote?  Assuming you are both cool with moving (I don’t know you guys), I would get jobs (BOTH of you, no sharing money until you’re married) in a new place and start a new adventure.  Make lots of friends individually and have a kick ass  time together.

Post # 9
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Ours was an easy choice because he had two boys in high school and my daughter had just graduated high school.  We also had just had a baby.  So the baby (2 months old) and my daughter (18 years old) and I moved from Indianapolis to Florida.  

We both had very secure jobs and I LOVED Indianapolis and I miss my friends and my job like crazy… but I missed him more when I wasn’t with him.

Post # 10
Member
21 posts
Newbee

Very good thread to have stumbled upon! I’m in this debacle right now myself. I’ve only been at my job for 7 months and it’s the most ‘adulty’/career job I’ve been at since I ended up going back to school due to the small/competitive market for my degree. I’m also living in my home city and have never lived more than a few hours away from here. My boyfriend on the other hand is in the military and has been stationed in the NE for several years now and is looking at a change of station around reenlistment (his current contract ends in the fall/winter), and who knows where he might be sent. Could be Germany, Arizona.. who knows. We were just working on plans for his career out of the military before he got promoted, and this promotion opens up many of the doors that had been shut and that had pushed him towards leaving the military. He likes what he does and he is career driven, whereas I am not. Because of this, I do feel our location will have to be based on him continuing with the military, at least for a few more years. However, I have never lived outside of central Texas. My parents and siblings and their children all live in this city with me. My best friend still lives here, and our other friend just a few hours away. Moving will be REALLY hard for me, but I know that this career is really important to him. I make more than he does though, so for now the general plan is for me to stay here another year or two before joining him. By then I’ll have some solid experience (plus what I went back to school for is much more versatile), I’ll hopefully have my car mostly paid off, and maybe he’ll have even been promoted again (ideally haha) and better able to handle the financial burden I may be bringing to the table if I’m not able to find work where he is stationed. 

So for me – I currently make more money, BUT his career is more important to him. However, finances are really important to me. I have student loans and just bought a car and ideally I’d like to pay off the car and bring it with me, thus leaving us with the insurance and my student loans to worry about. My family is also incredibly important to me, but I’m in my late twenties and I don’t want to jeopardize my chance with a wonderful man who I really do see as my partner in crime because I was too scared to leave the nest. I have a wonderful best friend and great parents. I am the only daughter and my mom would miss the crap out of me. My nephews would grow and celebrate birthdays without me. That all makes me incredibly sad, but I want to make sure I have my own life as well.

Overall, I’d say – jobs/career important, finances, and what will be more regretted. As for picking a particular location, I really couldn’t help you there.

Post # 11
Member
2029 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

My fiance (BF at the time) and I were living apart, neither of us places we were from, or particuarly liked. He didn’t like his job/city at all, and I was kind of “meh” on both my location and job. We chose moving to a totally different city, totally across the country from where we’re from and where we’d previously lived. We picked San Francisco based on our networks, job opportunities, and overall quality of life (clearly not cost of living though ). It ended up working out really well; we moved almost 2 years ago & we’ve never been happier!

Post # 12
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

Deciding where to settle down is such a major decision! My – relatively short – LDR will be coming to an end in the fall when I start my PhD at the same university as my SO, but for the past year we’ve been on different continents. Once I move to the US again, our situation is settled for a little while, but then we graduate 4-5 years from now, we’ll have to start all over again; he’s from Latin America and I’m from Scandinavia, so it’ll be difficult to find a place that satisfies our needs but also makes it possible for us to keep in contact with both our families back home.

Post # 13
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

My boyfriend and I are currently going through this (and will be for the next year or so), and for us it really came down to jobs and educational opportunities. We both have niche industries, and are not keen on changing career fields. He earns more than me, but he also has student loans and a car loan, so that equalizes out in terms of finances. Hence, we decided that we will both apply to jobs each other’s city and see how that plays out.

Post # 14
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

Is grad school a factor for either of you?

Post # 15
Member
376 posts
Helper bee

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MiniMeow :  We narrowed it down based on where each of us were certain we could get decent jobs. (So, we avoided cities where we thought it would be difficult for one of us to find a job). After that, we narrowed it down to a small handful where we could actually see ourselves living. The one we choose was the one that one of us got a decent job offer for a company we loved.

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