(Closed) Clueless virgins, TMI please advise

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
11517 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@cluelessinbed:  My question – are you rushing it?  I mean, actually trying to get it in there.  Wait until you’re at the ‘i need you inside me right now or i think i might die’ phase of being turned on (it does exist) and that will make it easier.  I would also recommend some good lube 🙂

Post # 4
9779 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would suggest wine and lube. Sorry lol!

Post # 5
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’d say use lube, or make sure that you have enough of your own personal lube going on before trying just to “push it in”.

Have a romantic night. BUT don’t pressure yourselves. The pressure is going to make it worse. Relax. Bask in the glow of your new married life!! 

Post # 6
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Lube and reeeelax. Don’t tense up! Kiss a little.

Post # 7
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

KY is your friend! Lube always helps. A glass or two of wine helps too. When you get nervous, everything tenses up, making things more difficult. Relax, take your time and you’ll be fine. The other thing that can help are toys. Get a vibrator and spend some alone time with it. You’ll get used to the sensation, and the transition will get easier.

Post # 8
707 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

@cluelessinbed:  Lube and foreplay. Lots of foreplay. Don’t tense up. Relax. 

Post # 9
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Been there, done that – you aren’t alone!  It isn’t always as easy as it seems like it ought to be, is it? 

The other bees have lots of good advice – go slowly, have a glass of wine, try to laugh at it all.  It really is silly.  Aren’t you glad you aren’t one of those girls in the old days, married off at 14 with no choice but do to it all on your wedding night?!  Life seems better now, huh? Haha 🙂

Here’s what got us through the first few weeks (yes, it was several weeks before it was even remotely easy for us too).  1) LUBE!!!  And more lube!  Any time there is friction, add more lube.  Put a towel down under you and then you don’t have to worry about mess.  2) Get on top.  This way, you are completely in control, and you don’t have to tell him he’s hurting you since this is a major turn-off for any nice man.  3) Take it reallllly, reeeaaaallllly slowly. Get him in til it hurts, then pause (don’t get off), and make yourself relax.  Kiss a bit or just chill there and hug.  Once you’ve relaxed, go in a bit more.  Repeat until he’s all the way in.  At that point, it probably won’t hurt anymore, and y’all can get down to business. Be prepared for this to take anywhere from a few minutes to an hour, no joke.  It’s worth it.  4) Repeat steps 2 and 3 every time you have sex until you can get him in easily and without too much discomfort.  Once you’ve mastered that with you on top, move to….step 5) Try other positions, and experiment with what’s comfortable. A lot of girls find that you laying face down and him behind is comfortable in the beginning too.

From another virgin bride who had the same trouble, I promise it gets better and believe it or not, sex will get fun and easy 😉  Oh, and if you’re at all like me, don’t even worry about finishing yourself until you get good at actually having sex.  Just chill on that front, enjoy the foreplay, and enjoy your husband’s enjoyment.  The relaxing necessary for you to finish will come once everything else eases up; pressure to finish will just make for more tension.

ETA – sorry it’s a bit graphic…I only go into this much detail because it’s what I wish someone had told me.  


Post # 11
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I am like you, considered to be very late having sex for the first time, and I was quite tight, and it was painful. It took some time, and I found that me being on top was a little easier. Lots of lube helped. Taking your time, and lots of foreplay. I bled a bit on and off the first few times, which was annoying, but nothing to really worry about.

That said, there may come a time where talking to a medical professional may be useful.

The other thing that might be useful that someone suggested when I was looking into was perineal massage. It is something they recommend in pregnancy to prepare for birth, but it might help stretch things out a little.

Hope this helps.

P.S. Probably Too Much Information, but I even had issues with tampons for a LONG time, so that was where I was starting from.

Post # 12
342 posts
Helper bee

Lube is a must if you are even slightly dry. It’s going to hurt for the first time…it will hurt! Try to relax. It may even hurt for a few more times after the first, but after that…you’ll both LOVE it!


Post # 13
336 posts
Helper bee

@cluelessinbed:  Have you tried a different position. My SO  couldn’t get in while in missionary. Eventually I had to get on top to get him in. I’m not going to lie, my first several times were painful to me. I always assumed after a first couple of minutes I’ll start feeling pleasure. According to books and tv shows that how it is. That’s not the case for everyone. You need to be extra lubricated by lube and your own arousal. Perhaps starting with something smaller to stretch yourself. Finger? Everything will work out eventually.

Post # 14
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@cluelessinbed:  i was just like you. i was a virign bride and sex was nearly impossible for the first few weeks. my husband was very understanding- he used to tell me, “you’re not going to go from virgin to porn star over nght.” but with lots of “practice,” (like, several months of practice) little by little i was able to have sex without any pain.

what really helped me was using a vibrator during penetration. the sensation of the vibrator distracted me from any pain/discomfort and helped me relax. i definitely recommend giving that a try. good luck!

Post # 15
9541 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m going to second (fifteenth?) what everybody else has said – lube is your best friend. As is foreplay and relaxing. I will also add that if one finger is going well, he should try a second and then third finger. This can help stretch you out some so he doesn’t seem so big by comparison. 

If none of this helps, it might be worth a trip to your gynecologist. Very rarely women can have a very thick hymen that won’t break on it’s own and causes pain. Probably not the case, but it might be a possibility.

Post # 21
67 posts
Worker bee

Try having him go down on you to get the blood and…ahem….jucies…going. Then why don’t you try oral on him. (Also a good lube, or a well lubricated condom) and guide it there. Try putting a pillow under your bottom so you’ll be at more of an angle. And having him use soft gentle strokes. It might hurt a bit. But shoving it in there wont be at all fun and could actually injure you a bit and be a bit mentally traumatic. Take it slow and work each other until you need it! I know a condom isn’t traditional when youre married. But in my experience skin on skin, even with lube can have more friction. 

Also… not to get too uh… graphic. ..but have y’all tried to “widen” you a bit? Like one finger, then two, or maybe a small vibrator until he can….you know? 

Good luck!!

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