(Closed) Clueless virgins, TMI please advise

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 22
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I went through all this not long ago.. We were both virgins and decided not to wait anymore..
It was painful at first, and just frustrating because everytime we actually start to try again it gets so painful for me so we stop.
What helped us was a little bit of wine, looooooottttttssss of lube and foreplay:)
Good luck:)

Post # 16
5870 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@cluelessinbed:  I’m going to give you some pretty graphic advice here.  I used to have this probelm too when I was new to sex.

+1,000,000 to lube.  The key thing here is that you’ve got to get the ouside of your V area wet, which is hard to do right off the bat with just your “natural lube” – espeically if you are nervous!  To use lube, squeeze a dime sized dollop onto your hands, warm it up by rubbing your hands together, then use your hands to rub his P.  This will give him a very enjoyable little hand job, plus it will make initial entry SO MUCH EASIER.


Have a glass of wine.

Foreplay matters!  Make out with clothes on for a minimum of 15 minutes.  Then get to undressing each other and see where the night takes you. 


If you feel like part of the problem is that you are too tense down there (highly likely) try to focus on relaxing your jaw muscles.  This helps you release unconcious tension elsewhere in the body.

If you are doing missionary style, sort of bring your knees up by your armpits.  Makes the entry angle more natural, less friction.


Post # 17
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@cluelessinbed:   http://themarriagebed.com is a very good user manual. It’s aimed at Christians, but the sexuality and biology sections would be useful to any virgins.

Like everyone else says, use lots of lube and do LOTS AND LOTS of foreplay. Like have him touch and arouse you (i.e. for foreplay) for quite a time. In fact I would suggest him getting you to orgasm before he enters, then you know you’ll be aroused. If you’re not sure how to get aroused, I encourage you to touch yourself and find out what works.

We took several tries, him getting further and further in, over close to 2 weeks too. Your situation is not unique.

Post # 18
781 posts
Busy bee

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@cluelessinbed:  we know of someone who actually required surgery to be able to have sex. I don’t know the details, but I was told they had to remove bone. It was something to do with her pelvis. Very slim chance that this is the case with you, but if it’s truly that uncomfortable to you after trying all PP’s suggestions, you may want to have a doctor check you out. 

Post # 19
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

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@Westwood:  I have the same advice. Also, take your time. You may need to fool around for half an hour or more to help your muscles relax so he can get fully inside you. 

Post # 20
2087 posts
Buzzing bee

To be honest, it’s going to be uncomfortable for you the first time. It shouldn’t be excruciating, but it won’t be awesome. Like others said, lots of foreplay and lube, and ultimately you’ll just have to push through.


It gets better though!

Post # 23
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Seconding what others have said. It also may be a medical condition, so if the pp’s advice doesn’t help, it might be a good idea to contact your physician.

Take a peek at this wikipedia article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyspareunia

Post # 24
2491 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

This is probably Too Much Information, but when I first used tampons, it look me a long time to be able to insert them because I had a very intact hymen (I was a virgin). It hurt like hell but eventually, with practice, I was able to get one in (and they are a lot smaller than a penis! haha) You say he can get a finger in, work your way up to 2 and 3. When you are super horny, it doesn’t hurt as much. Have you ever had a gyn exam? They might be able to discern if the opening in your hymen is very narrow or if something else is going on- and if it’s your hymen, they might be able to help you.

I’m also wondering if you could try something numbing, like orajel to put down there?

Post # 25
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

Lube and foreplay! My hubs and I didn’t have the issue of him not being able to get his P in. But after six months of being married, it was still VERY painful! Then one of us suggested we play up the foreplay quite a bit and that helped SOOOO much! Don’t beat yourselves up over this! 

Post # 26
31 posts

Also a virgin here so take this with a grain of salt…but this tip cones from famous midwife Ina May Gaskin.  her advice to relax the vaginal muscles for a smoother labor is to actually focus on relaxing your face, mouth, and jaw! She has observed that the sphincters of the body seem to affect each other, and that women who can relax their face mouth and jaw experience an almost immediate relaxation in their vagina. You can actually test this out now. Clench your jaw face and mouth muscles and your vaginal muscles at the same time. Now try to relax your jaw without relaxing your vagina. Your experience may vary, but I sense my vagina relaxing almost automatically and I have to focus on keeping it tight. Maybe this could help you?  

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by  ahraysee.
Post # 27
7 posts
  • Wedding: October 2013

FOREPLAY FOREPLAY FOREPLAY.  you gotta get relaxed enough to get him in. yes it hurts at first..but the feeling after the pain melts away is amazing.. yet buy some wine and a good lube, let hi relax you with a back rub.. a nice hot shower and make out some petting and let it go into intercourse. dont rush it! good luck

Post # 28
1 posts

I lost mt virginity while on top. It gives you more control. Biggest regret is being afraid. I was 19 and with another guy. Fear will make you dry and also will make it harder to the point where it feels like you will be forcing it to happen. 


Try foreplay. Kiss slowly, make out, rub muscles, give each other a relaxing massage. Just take it slow. Trust is a big thing. You may not be fulling trusting the situation. You have to know he won’t hurt you.

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