Post # 1
I want to know your views on this situation.
I have a male co worker that im pretty close with. Hes been married for about 25 years, happily. Hes very much into fitness and looks great for his age. Well, for the last year or so he has been working out with this woman Megan. His wife doesn’t know hes been working out with her and it really is completely innocent on his part, he just likes working out with this woman. Hes one of those men that is capable of having female friends. His wife tends to be jealous (for no real reason) so he thought it best to just not tell her about working out with this woman. He also works out with another male friend of his so its not just the two of them most of the time. Here is the issue. He told me that the other day Megan told him she developed feelings for him. He was shocked (mainly because hes one of those men that you would need to hit over the head with a frying pan in order for him to pay attention to stuff like that). He told her that he would never leave his wife and that hes sorry etc etc. they worked out again after that and he said she didn’t bring it up at all. He really wants to still work out with her though. I told him that I don’t think its appropriate but his take on it is that “if im not cheating on my wife and have no desire to be with megan then why is it a problem”. Im trying to come up with a proper answer to this other than “because shes in love with you and you shouldn’t spend time with a woman who is in love with you out of respect for your wife”. Help me out here bees
Post # 2
I’d say it’s not your business. He’ll sort it out or he won’t – don’t get involved.
Post # 3
alfalfasprout10518 : I would just tell him what you said above. However I am a direct person. I think he is being shady to his wife.
Post # 4
alfalfasprout10518 : I feel like “because she’s in love with you and ou shouldn’t spend time with a woman who is in love with you out of your respect for your wife” is a perfectly good way to go about it.
also the fact that he’s been hiding Megan’s existence from his wife a whole year is pretty messed up. She probably has jealousy issues and insecurities because he keeps secrets from het
Post # 5
I agree with him.
He knows how to set boundaries.
He’s not in charge of policing her (the friend’s) feelings.
If friend stomps all over his boundary and clearly can’t maintain a platonic friendship, he can cross that bridge when he comes to it and set a new boundary including, but not limited to, ceasing contact.
I also think you should butt out of other people’s relationships.
Post # 6
alfalfasprout10518 : I too would stay out of it. No need to think of a reply to him. He’s handling it. You’re close to him too, and he keeps your relationship on a friendship level, right?
Post # 7
xiexie : bearinabeecostume : well we are close. hes my friend and we talk about these things. im not involved other than being a friend to him
mrstodd2bee : toomuchdiva : i told him he was being shady by not telling his wife he works out with her too. he justified it by saying “im not cheating. my wife is so jealous of eberything because she sinsecure when she doesnt need to be. i dont think im doing anything wrong”.
annabananabee : thats a good point
Post # 8
alfalfasprout10518 : a simple, ‘how would you feel if it was the other way round’ might help.
Post # 9
This guy is a tool. Wife is always jealous over nothing? He has a secret workout relationship with a woman who has feelings for him and he continues it? Please. His poor wife. This is not the first time this guy has done something stupid.
Post # 10
As a close friend, I don’t see anything wrong with discussing your concerns with him or offering advice. Just butt out if he doesn’t want to hear it.
I get where he is coming from and I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be to be with someone who is jealous and insecure, but he ought to be working with his wife on combatting her insecurity so that they can have a more open and transparent relationship.
I don’t like the idea of hiding friends from a partner. It sucks if you’re the person who knows your intentions are innocent but your partner is unable or unwilling to see it that way. But I’m not sure that sneaking around with this friend is the right way to deal with it. What happens if the wife finds out about her? Given the sneaking, she’s highly unlikely to assume it is innocent and if he tries to convince her otherwise it’ll come off as gaslighting and make her even more sure he’s being shady.
As a friend, maybe try to encourage him to address his wife’s insecurities in counseling and take baby steps with her in terms of opening her up to the idea of platonic opposite sex friends.
Post # 11
alfalfasprout10518 : hiding stuff from his wife is not going to help her jealousy/insecurity!!
Post # 12
As for how he should handle Megan’s feelings, that really depends a lot on how she handles them. Some people are far more more capable of turning those feelings off or setting them aside than others.
I that’s one of the major differences between people who are easily friends with the opposite sex and those who think straight men and women can’t ever be just friends. The latter can turn those feelings off when they’re inconvenient. The former can’t and so they don’t believe that others can.
Post # 13
alfalfasprout10518 : Simply put, I don’t belive your friend, nor do I believe that he is too stupid to pick up on normal social cues.
I agree with other bees who say his wife is jealous for a reason. Likely because he hides his interactions with females from her, even if he deems them platonic.
I think your friend is an asshole husband. I WOULD butt in. I would tell the wife and leave it at that. If I were the wife in the situation, I would hope that some good samaritan would reach out to me to let me know that my husband was a lying piece of trash who prioritizes his own selfish desires over the boundaries we set for our relationship.
I would also try to find male friends who didn’t lie to their wives about other women, tbh.
Post # 14
Why do people do stupid shit like this? Its irrelevant that its innocent. If you know your partner would be uncomfortable with your friendship with another person you back away from that friendship willingly…..out of respect for your partner and the relationship you don’t want to endanger. A real friend would understand and back off out of respect for that friendship. She’s expressed feelings for him so he should be doubly obligated to protect his marriage and back away from this woman. She caught feelings without his encouragement….they’re not going to go away simply because he chooses to play ostrich and it might even encourage her to pursue him more fervently.
Honestly, I’d tell you to stay out of it. Its obvious he needs to learn this lesson the hard way…that if you play with fire you eventually get burned.
And to bees who think that he should have the friends that he wants without his partner’s jealous reactions. Its not about controlling who your partner hangs with or any other kind of insecure power play like that….This is about choosing to NOT put yourself in the position screwing up your marriage over some avoidable, trivial mess.
Post # 15
- Wedding: April 2019 - USA
alfalfasprout10518 : I personally wouldn’t touch this situation with a ten foot pole. It’s his business what he wants to do but if he asks for your opinion definitely tell him what you said on your OP. Also like PPs have said, the fact that he’s intentionally been hiding this from his wife is a huge fuck up on his part. Even if it’s platonic that is still a pretty big lie by omission. This guy sounds like a class act.