(Closed) Codependent mom driving me insane

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.

I think you are on the right track with limiting your phone calls and e-mails.

Maybe you could set up a standing weekly thing you two do together (maybe a group class or something with other people too?) So she can see you are making time for her but that you are not on call 24/7.

I think being clear with her, that you love her very much but need some space, will help. It may take repeating  a million times but over time is should sink in.

Best of luck!

 

 

Post # 4
Member
1395 posts
Bumble bee

I also think you’re on the right track with limiting communication with her.  She really needs to go out and make some friends and develop her own life.  You can’t devote all of your time to entertaining her.

My mom isn’t THAT bad.  But, we do have issues with her dependency on me, sometimes.  Also, the fact that she feels like she can control me for the rest of my life, as well as any future children I may have.  The other day, my sister decided to lie to my mom and tell her that I am smoking marijuana (not even sure where that came from), which I only did a couple of times in my younger years (and hated it!).  My mom threatened to go get a home drug test and come to my house and test me!  I am 22 and getting ready to be married.  She has no right to come test me to see if I’ve smoked a joint!  I could see if she thought I was on crack or something… 

But, yeah, my mom is very territorial over me.  She constantly feels the need to randomly state, “I’m gonna be the only person in the delivery room when you have your babies!”  She even said she really doesn’t even want Fiance in the room when we have kids one day, just her.

Post # 6
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I definitely agree with setting up a specific time for a date or phone calls– this can give her some stability while she learns to build her own life.  Say you call her every Wednesday night and have brunch with her on Saturdays? Then you don’t pick up in between and hopefully she’ll only call with emergencies. 

It could also be a good idea for the two of you to take a class or do a group activity together– maybe it could be a springboard for a new hobby for her or a way for her to make friends? Yoga? Crafting?

Post # 7
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Also I think the only way you’re going to be able to make this stick is to talk to her in person and explain everything to her.  Tell her that you’re an adult and it’s unacceptable for her to be calling other people to try to contact you– especially your work, that’s just unprofessional and could make you look bad.  Tell her that you’re going to have weekly phone dates on ____ and that she will not be hearing from you on other days unless it is an emergency or something important. 

Unfortunately, I think the only way to do this is to be blunt. :/

Post # 8
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I haven’t read these books but they come recommended from a good friend who is a counselor–“Codependent No More” and “Beyond  Codependency” by Melody Beattie. I think the second is for those dealing with a codependant person.

Don’t beat yourself up over the way things are now–it’s not your fault they got to this point. Codependency is hard to deal with!

But definitely limit your phone time. First you have to tell her that you will be limiting phone time to a specific schedule and why–this is best in person so that she doesn’t hang up on you. She will try to twist your words and say it’s because you don’t love her, etc. etc., but you just have to keep calm and stick to the facts–you need time to yourself, you are busy, but you love her and cherish talking to her when you are able to. Just repeat, repeat, repeat: “I will call you on X and X days, and we will hang out X day, I look forward to that.” And then stick to it. This part will be hard as she will try all sorts of tricks to get you to “cave” (as you have already experienced with her obtaining your home number and calling your work). The best way to deal with it I suppose would be just warning your friends and workmates that your mom might be calling and that nothing has happened to you, and that they don’t have to respond to her. It might be a little awkward but I am sure most will understand! If you are prepared for her antics, then it is easier to deal with them.

Post # 9
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Jenn23: I agree with setting up a specific time and day to meet up. That way, she knows that she will have a set “us” time every week, and hopefully wont feel the need to call you every single day. Have you sat down with her and told her that you feel you need some space, or are you just hoping she’ll get the message? Maybe if you sit her down and explain to her that you would like some more space but are willing to set out a specific time for her she’d take it a little better than just feeling like she’s being avoided?

Very tough situation. I’m sorry you have to go through this =[ Have you suggested counseling for her?

Post # 10
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

View original reply
Jenn23:  Wow, reading this blog from my point of view is amazing. I grew up with a mom who wasn’t interested in having a relationship with me as a young child or an adult. She has passed away recently and I regret more and more that I did not spend more time with her. She was actually the mom I guess you would love to have and your mom is the mom I would have loved to have. I actually am glad I have read this, however, it helps me see my childrens perspective. I too am divorced and I have always been actively involved in their lives. It is difficult to understand that some children don’t really need their parents around much once they have grown up.I know the dymanic of the relationship changes and it is harder for the parent than the child. Everything for you is new and exciting and things for her are well filled with regret. That isn’t your fault and I guess it does lend to a clingy thing for her. After losing so many people in my life, I guess my perspective is different…we can’t get people back or make great memories once our time here is over. My mom was very independent of us and wanted to be from the time we were little. So, to me having a mom who enjoys and loves you and wants to be in your life is excellent! No, she doesn’t get it and it is a genuine hurt in her heart to be reaching out to someone who may not value her as much as she does them. Divorce breaks your heart and makes you evaluate what is important. Seems to me, she know what is important and that is time. I see moms and daughters at work who enjoy one another and then I hear some just complain about theirs. Sometimes, we need to see anothers perspective as well as our own to keep things in balance. Let her know what you do enjoy with her and hopefully you can give her some time with you and you will see the qualities in her that are makings for great company. Hopefully you will find grace to be patient while you set these healthy boundaries. She will always be there for you though, no matter what.  She will become stronger through it all. Pray for her and you.

Post # 11
Member
1301 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

View original reply
Jenn23:  My mom is also codependent but not that bad. Although she did flip out on Christmas Eve because it was the first time she was alone Christmas Eve (My husband and I didn’t leave until like 11pm and it was after that she lost her mind a little). I lived with her until I got married last month so she’s still adjusting to living alone as well. Its been just me and her for 20 years (since my dad died…I don’t have siblings). I read somewhere to leave her be when she freaks out and she’ll get over it…like a child having a tantram I guess. I talk to her multiple times a day but no emails.

Post # 12
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

the OP’s story is a lot like mine. My mother is widowed and I’m engaged not married, but the emotions and situations are similar. Anti-depressants are the only way I’m coping at the moment. I wonder if the situation has improved Jenn23? Or still just as bad.

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