(Closed) Coed Shower refusal by host?

posted 4 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 16
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

anna4041:  As the hostess of many showers I would probably at this point in my life back out if the mom insisted on a coed shower. The size is generally doubled, which is a expensive. Then all the “cute” shower things I like to do are either not really appropriate or won’t be appreciated. Favors? Nothing easy and girlie. Games? Nope. Food? It has to be a LOT more and if I planned to do cute finger sandwiches and fruit that’s out. More likely a BBQ which I am not good at. 

I think you can have the party you want, but I wouldn’t expect your SIL to host something she’s not comfortable with. I like your “end of life as we know it” idea. Go with that and tell her you decided to skip a ‘shower’. 

Post # 17
Member
2733 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

MexiPino:  I was thinking the exact same thing! Changing it to a coed party throws the whole thing in a different loop. Even if you decide to invite the same number of guests (which, By The Way may mean cutting out guests the host would like to have there), it’s still a whole new ball game. All their plans for decor, location, food, activities, and overall feel are tossed out the window. They may not want to take on hosting a coed shower and having it located at your house may make things difficult for them (they might feel they have to come over a clean your house in preparation, or that you’ll be over their shoulders while trying to set up/decorate and they’d rather have it at the location of their choosing).

If I’m hosting a party/shower for someone, I obviously want to make sure the guest of honor would be happy with it. But, I wouldn’t be happy with them making major over-haul plan changes (like changing a cute female-only traditional baby shower to a coed “End of Life as We Know it” BBQ blow out with men, beer, and BBQ). Like many suggested, give a simple “Thanks but no thanks” and forfeit a shower altogether. Host your own party with zero mention of the word ‘shower’ or ‘gifts’

Post # 18
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

 

BrideK2Wings:  right but there’s a way to present your opinion without trashing other’s choices. You could have said “i much prefer the idea of a coed shower over the traditional ladies only type events” and left it at that. Instead you chose to be rude and throw “tacky” in the mix. I think that’s “tacky”… to choose to be insulting while expressing an opinion when you could have easily achieved the same result without the insulting language. I guess that’s too much effort for some people.

Post # 19
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

SoonAsYouCan:  Exactly. My sister insisted on a coed shower for our entire (large) family. It was 100 freaking people. It was insane. And we tried to play some simple games but it was just an entirely different vibe. I asked that my bridal showers (I knew ahead of time about two) be women only because I feel like it’s more fun and the women hardly ever all get together. Now my distant cousins decided to throw one and told me it’s coed. They are planning some traditional games (the hostess sent me one of those “Who Knows The Bride Best” kind of surveys) and I’m dreading it. One of the questions was “What is the color of the bride’s favorite lingerie?” Um… you’re going to have my dad and uncles guess that? WTF? I answered “Ew. Stop thinking about my underware!” 😛

Post # 20
Member
2178 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I agree with the comment that throwing a shower can be expensive and difficult enough (and generally thankless because its never exactly what the person wanted) without having a lot of demands. I think that you are well in your rights to decline (or to throw your own gender reveal or just last blow out before the baby type party) but you don’t get to dictate what someone else hosts.

 

Also I think that you are crazy in thinking that it will be easier to host at your house than just carry the gifts home…. I mean how much stuff are you expecting to get? its unlikley to be more than one or two car loads at most and if its something really large (like a crib) it would usually be delivered right to your home. If the party is at your house who is going to clean before and after and during and cook etc….

Post # 21
Member
1039 posts
Bumble bee

anna4041:  We had a coed shower and it was a lot of fun. I don’t like the idea of traditional and in my circle of friends,  no one ever has them anymore with women only at someone’s house with games. It’s always a bigger affair, men are always included and tacky cirnge-worthy games are often replaced by ust catching up and hanging out with friends.

The tricky part is the host(s) typically dictate this and while I loved ours, I recognize that when my mom and Mother-In-Law asked me what I preferred, I knew that coed also meant the invite list grew significantly so the cost more than doubled. If they are not on board with the idea for whatever reason (cost/preference/etc.), maybe politely decline and wait for a friend to offer to throw you one instead?

Post # 22
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

oh that is awful.. I wanted my fiance at our bridal shower. My mother in law hated that idea and kept bringing up on the day and AT the shower how he should not be there.. it was super rude. I personally like the coed ones more..

Post # 23
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

honestly, i would decline their offer if you would prefer a coed shower and they aren’t comfortable with that. they don’t have to throw it, and you don’t need to accept it, if it makes you uncomfortable.

Post # 24
Member
2733 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

littlemisshostess:  in addition to this response…

don’t you think it’d be a lot easier for you and the father-to-be to unpack a few gifts from your car than it will be for the hosts to host an entire party at your house? That means the morning of, they will have to truck everything over to your house (decor, food, beverages, gifts, and all additional party elements) while working around your schedule (not wanting to disturbe a pregnant lady). Then they have to clean everything up and truck all the supplies out of there, probably as fast as they can (again, not wanting to disturb you). If it’s at their own house they can set up in the days leading up to the party in the comfort of their own home and clean up on their own terms. I know I would feel uncomfortable if I had to throw a party at the guest of honors home.

Post # 25
Member
271 posts
Helper bee

This just got me thinking- who is the shower actually about? The expectant mum or the host? If it is about the expectant mum (which I believe it should be) then wouldn’t the considerate thing to do be letting her have some say in how she would like it to be and who she wants to be there? I must say it does frustrate me when woman make it clear they don’t want something at their bridal/baby shower and the host goes ahead and does it anyway!

Post # 26
Member
1241 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I TOTALLY get you on the hating showers thing. Showers are kind of painful and awful, made even worse when males aren’t allowed to come. I wouldn’t relent on having it co-ed. But I do think you are asking for a little too much by wanting to choose the location. Let your SILs feel like they are getting to do this for you instead of HAVING to do it for you in the exact way that you choose. They probably want to be able to get up decorations, food, etc. without the guest of honor there helping.

Post # 27
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

There’s certainly a different feel with a co-ed shower. Guys don’t ooh and aah over the little baby gifts like we do. 🙂

I agree with PPs that it may be asking to much to insist on the location and co-ed, but if you don’t want games played, put your foot down on that one. No way I was going to play the use toilet paper to guess how big the baby belly is game. Rereading your post, it sounds like you don’t want the traditional shower, so feel free to skip it and have the end of life party you want.

Post # 28
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

anna4041:  I don’t think you’re being a control freak at all. The party is for you, and if you’d like it to be co-ed, then that’s what it should be. If your SILs don’t like that idea, they don’t need to be the hosts. I also agree that having the shower at your house is so much easier. We had mine at our house and it was nice to not have to pack up cars full of gifts.

Another option that you could do if your SILs still insist on women only is send out an invite for your hisband to have a DADchelor party. All of the husbands and SOs can hang out with the guys and drink beers. There are cute invites on etsy that reference Huggies & Chuggies where the guys invited bring a box of diapers. 🙂

Post # 30
Member
8916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

anna4041:  You can definitely decline their offer to throw you a shower, but if you then throw your own bigger shower at your own house, that’s the epitome of tacky. It’s not acceptable to throw your own gift-grab party, especially after other people already offered to host one for you but you decided theirs wasn’t good enough. I guess I’m lucky to have never been to a baby shower where this happened: “weird games and 30 women rubbing my belly and telling me their opinoins on what I should be doing”. If that’s what your friends and family do and you’re not down for it, just decline the offer. I think it’s pretty ballsy to have a big sit-down with people who offered to throw you a party, to argue about the party they’re throwing.

If you do host your own, what do people do at a “end of life as we know it” party?

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