(Closed) Cohabiting Before Marriage…

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Having lived with someone before and sucked up the cost to get out, and having had Fiance gone through a divorce after living with his ex wife for years before they were married, yes, it sucks.

Can I attribute the fear of economic repercussion or “sliding” as a common factor leading to divorce? I don’t think so. Fiance and I partially slid into living together, mostly because he needed a roomate and I needed a place to live that wasn’t my parents house after 5 years of living on my own. It meant that we jumped in with no plans to get married, but with the knowledge that we were a strong couple and wanted to see where the relationship would go. We kept everything seperate until we were engaged, in fact.

Do I feel that living together has “ruined” us? Not at all. I think it has allowed us to truly experience each other in day to day life and let us know we can easily make it work. My hope would be that after the actual wedding nothing much will change except we can start working towards starting a family, which I feel would be very difficult if we had never lived together before.

I understand where the author is coming from, and have certainly seen people live together for money and time rather than love and commitment, but I think that she gives too much credit to the “sliders” and not enough to the people who actually take the time to consider what living together will mean to them as a couple and their relationship.

Post # 4
Member
12973 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

For the sake of clarity, I live with Fiance, and we have for two years now.  We moved in together before we were engaged, but knew we were headed on that route.  I go back and forth about what I think about cohbaiting… but it made the most sense for us because we were each paying $2,000 rents, and only using one apartment.  That’s a lot of money to be wasting every month.  Some days, I’m completely for it, and other days, I’m not so sure (I’m Catholic, so that guilt runs deep!).  I think it boils down to a personal decision, and no one else really gets to judge that. 

Post # 5
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

hmmmm…. i kind of agree with it to an extent, but not completely.

i agree that couples who just move in together because it’s easy maybe don’t quite realise the implications if might have on their relationship.

example of this being a girl i work with, she was with her bf 6 months when she got kicked out of her apartment and she moved in with him. they’ve been together 2 and a half years now – she wants to get married and he doesn’t seem keen. he’s 33, she’s 26. he’s got everything he needs – a good job, a hot girlfriend and all the time in the world to go fishing and mountain biking. if he wanted to marry her, i imagine he would have done it by now. i’m guessing he isn’t going to. (oh, i know him too, really well as well because we all work together).

me and my SO moved in after being together a year. i moved 300 miles to be with him, and we both agreed that moving in together would be the ‘next step’ in our relationship. at that point we dicussed getting married further down the line. we’re not officially engaged yet, but he’s getting the ring made as we speak.

our relationship is classes as serious to those on the outside, not because we live together, but because they know us as a couple and we’ve been together a long time. if we didn’t marry it wouldn’t change things for other people – but it definintely makes a difference to us. also, i want a family and i couldn’t have children before getting married.

i’m actually of the opinion that it’s important to live together before you marry. there were a lot of things to iron out when we first lived together, and i’m sure if he was very lazy i would have found it hard to stick around. we know we’re compatible and we know we can make it work.

i would feel extremely uneasy marrying a guy if i hadn’t had a ‘trial run’ beforehand.

Post # 6
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Darling Husband and I lived together for more than 6 years before getting married. Honestly, I wouldn’t have considered marrying someone I didn’t live with before. Some people can do it but I’m not one of them. I wouldn’t trade the years we spent together under the same roof for anything. As for the divorce issue, I’ve seen it come up a couple times but I’ve got to say that I totally disagree with the reasoning. I don’t think that we have any higher of a chance of divorce as the next couple who chose not to live together. Actually, I would argue that we have less of a chance because we know each other so much better and have already dealt with a lot of the issues that married couples face before tieng the knot. Not saying that those who chose not to live together don’t know each other but you really can’t argue that someone who lives with their partner for many years would know them less than someone who doesn’t. 

Ultimately, everyone has to do what’s right for them but I am a huge supporter of cohabitation before marriage. So much so that I would urge any future children that I have to live with their partners before considering marrying them.

Post # 7
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

We lived together before we got married. That being said, I think it doesn’t really matter if you lived together or not prior to marriage. If you do something for the wrong reasons and/or you fail to communicate your intentions or goals, things are likely to fail. It’s just as simple as that. 

Post # 8
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I can see a lot of this gender difference in what moving in means to either a woman or man in the waiting boards pretty often. It’s interesting to think about what the author said: to “postpone comittment”

For Fiance and I, we’re cohabitating because we’ve been dating for three years, are now engaged, and are moving in together this July. It just wouldn’t make any sense for us not to live together.

Post # 9
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

the article really only talks about people living together to just live together. it doesn’t sound like the examples they used lived together with the agreement that marriage was the next step.

my fiance and i have lived together for 2 years and it was well known- to both us and our parents- that moving in meant that there would be marriage within a few years. we were engaged 6 months later and are getting married in september.

Post # 10
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Fiance and I moved in together after 6 months of dating, before saying I love you or ever discussing marriage. We had graduated college and he had a job but I didn’t. The agreement was that I would stay with him temporarily until I found a job and could afford to get my own place (because otherwise I would have had to move across the country and I did not want an LDR). Fiance got a 3 month lease and by the end of it I had a job and could afford my own “cozy” place, if you will, but we decided there was no point. Why wouldn’t we continue living together? We did not have any issues with each other’s living style and it didn’t put any sort of strain on our relationship. Within that 3 month span we did say “I love you” but still no marriage talk. When the lease is up we searched for an apartment together and signed a year lease. It just didn’t make sense to us to be paying two rents when we would mostly be using one apartment. No, we hadn’t discussed marriage but neither of us saw any reason why our relationship wouldn’t be forever. We have been together for almost 2 1/2 years, got engaged back in December and are getting married in October. 

So yes, we decided to live together “just to live together” because it seemed like the easiest and smartest decision for us but it worked out. Now, I’m not saying it works for everyone but it did for us!

Post # 11
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

dh and I lived together for a few years before we got married. We knew this was it, and honestly, it was just getting to be a hassle going back and forth, so I just moved in with him. It worked out for the best for us, and I wouldn’t want to marry someone I didn’t get to live with first.

However, i don’t think I would have moved in without having discussed the future, and just kind of going with the flow.

Post # 12
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would never marry someone without living with them for a year+ first. It seems foolish to me. My Fiance is not the first person I’ve lived with – and living with my ex was really clarifying. We moved in together and it lasted about three more months after that, largely due to me seeing what he was “really” like and I hated it. This was someone I wanted to marry and I really think that if we had moved in together sooner we would have broken up sooner and I wouldn’t have wasted three years of my life. Lol. Yes, breaking up after that was a bit of a challenge logistically, but it’s kind of like buying a house. Yes, it sucks to pay for an inspection, but it’s a totally worthwhile price in the end no matter the outcome.

My Fiance and I started living together after five months because we couldn’t bear to be apart from each other. However, in retrospect we wish we would have taken it a bit slower because we sort of missed out on all the fun “dating” parts and went right to domestic/committed/homebody style relationship. So I think the ideal timeline (for me) would have been to split the difference and move in together somewhere in the year to year and a half range.  Oh well – we have plenty of time in the future to continue exploring, adventuring, and romancing each other.

Post # 13
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I am a firm believer in cohabiting before marriage. I honestly believe that you really don;t know someone until you live with them. My ex was teh sweetest guy, so laid back about everything and we never fought. Two years into the relationship we bought a house. Within months he became a person I had never seen before. It was his house and his rules. He became emotionally abusive and on the cusp of physically abusive. WHen he got angry he would throw things at me. After 2 years and something horrible I got out. If I had married him I probably would still be there dealing with the bad because I believe marriage is a one time shot.

Darling Husband moved in shortly after we started dating and while we are not always deliriously happy, we are happy. I know that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. If we had not lived together first I never would have risked another serious relationship after my ex.

Post # 14
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@moonadea:  Oh lord this. I moved in with a boyfriend I was so damn convinced I was going to marry back when I was 22ish. We’d been together blissfully for almost 4 years, but after about 9 months of living together and having it become a huge struggle, it hit us like a ton of bricks – we were NOT right for each other. I’m sure part of it was the fact that we were growing up and apart, but I still think if we hadn’t lived together, we would probably be married and miserable. 

It’s not for everyone, of course. I personally wouldn’t have gotten married without living together first, but I know quite a few couples that waited until marriage to live together and it made perfect sense for them. 

Post # 15
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think I could marry someone without living with them for a while first, it just changes the dynamics of a relationship in ways you wouldn’t expect. We didn’t “slide” like the article talks about though, I actually paid rent on my old apartment for 4 months while I was living with him and gradually moving my stuff in. That way we could have backed out if we decided it was too soon. So far it’s been great for us, and he’s the first guy I’ve lived with. I had wanted to move in with an ex, but he drug his feet so much that we broke up. I think cohabitating is a great litmus test for how serious you are about each other.

Post # 16
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I didn’t live with my first husband before we were married.  It was a nightmare.  We had been dating for 4 years you would think I knew the man.  Well come to find out shortly after moving in he was a pot head.  He never took me anywhere and was very possessive.  If I even fixed my hair to go to the store it was a fight.  It was OK when we were not married or living together but a married woman’s place is in the house having babies to him, which he never gave any impression of when we were not married and living together.  I think had I lived with him I would have seen and never without a joint, I mean he smoked all day long.  I often wondered how he slipped that by me for 4 years of dating.  I left a few years after my son was born which was 3 years of marriage. I was broke, made only 25,000 a year and it was the worst divorce and custody battle of me and my son’s life that went on for years and years back and forth. All this and a better life for my child could have been avoided I think had I taken the time to live and learn about this man for a few years. Breaking up and moving out is one thing but a divorce…why harder and more expensive.

Now that is a very specific situation but good enough to live with my now Fiancé for 5 years before deciding to marry him. 

Sure many who don’t live with their man first work out fine but mine was REALLY bad! 

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