(Closed) Cold feet & freaking out – please help

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think you need to trust your gut here, only you know what you’re feeling – but I don’t see anything in your post that makes me think you should call off the wedding.  I think you’re stressed and worried.  Totally normal to be those things a few weeks out!

Honestly, I think people freaking out about getting married is a good thing.  Getting married is huge and it should freak you out to some extent!  It means you’re taking this seriously.

Like I said, no one can make a decision for you.  But I really think you just need to take a deep breath and get a good night’s sleep.  Good luck, with whatever you decide.

Post # 5
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

First of all, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this 🙁 Whether it’s cold feet or something else, I’m sure this isn’t how you expected to feel a few weeks before the wedding.

No one knows your relationship the way you do, but from what you’ve written I think this is probably cold feet. You’ve been with him for five years, and as you said, the differences in intelligence and the introverted personality are not new aspects of your relationship. I think it comes down to thinking “this is really forever,” so things that might not matter much on a day to day basis seem magnified right now.

That being said, you need to think about how you’ll feel 10 and 50 years down the road. One person is always going to be smarter in the relationship. Ditto extraverted. But maybe he is “better” than you in some areas too. You have to figure out if these things are just bothering you lately because of wedding stress, or if they are real, insurmountable problems.

This might be an unpopular opinion, but personally I would take a deep breath and chalk it up to pre-wedding jitters. You’ve been with him for five years. Take a couple nights to yourself or with your family if possible, and think long and hard. Either way, virtual hugs and best of luck!

 

Post # 7
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

You sound like you are just stressed out which is normal considering what a big event in life this is.  I think you have to look at it like okay there are certain things that annoy the S**T out of me but I am adult enough to accept that is a part of him and not having him in my life would suck way worse then having to put up with those insignificant things.  You probably gravitate towards each other because of this major difference…he probably wishes he could be more extroverted like you etc and he’s probably totally content with letting you be the extroverted/smarter/whatever one in the relationship.  I think you need to take a night or a weekend where you do nothing wedding related, don’t even talk about it…just relax.  Hot bath with a glass of wine?  Feel better 🙂

Post # 8
Member
8146 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

You know, it’s not really an either/or situation.  Your post made it sound as if your only options are to marry him or be without him.  There are probably other choices in between.

Post # 9
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@needhelp123: You’re so welcome! I’d check out this blog too, from the author of “The Conscious Bride.” http://conscious-transitions.com/ 

I wrote about this on a previous post today, and I don’t mean to harp on and on about it, but the wedding industry makes brides feel like they should be happy and excited all the time. That’s just not reality. It’s basically the biggest decision you’ll ever make, and every other major life change- going to college, moving away from home- causes sadness and fear along with excitement and joy. Like Lilybay said, you should be freaking out. It’s healthy to realize the implications of marriage.

Again, best wishes to you!!!

Post # 10
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Only you know for sure, and if you haven’t gotten and answer, as you said you hadn’t, maybe that IS your answer.  Or maybe you have and admitting it sucks.

There were a few times in the weeks leading up to my wedding that I wondered “really?  this guy forever?”  But I married him anyway and have never been happier or more sure that he’s the best husband I could ever ask for! 

Being married is a choice.  We choose every day to wake up and work on our marriage and be in this together.  No matter what.  No one is perfect.  If you can look at your Fiance and know that when it’s 3am and you have a crying baby in one arm and a fussy toddler in the other or a huge stack of bills that need to get paid and a dishwasher that need to get unloaded or a sick parent or whatever else life throws your way and know that there is no one else you would rather be in the trenches with – that this man has your back no matter what – then get married.   Smarts and shyness be damned.  You can be the smart one and maybe he’s the compassionate one.  Or the one that cooks.  Or the one that is something YOU aren’t (you can fill in your own blank there).

All of this is to say that I had some chilly feet too, but would do it all over again in a heart beat and know 100% that I made the right choice.  100%.  

 On the flip side, I was engaged once before to a different guy.   I eventually broke up with the guy after 6 months of wondering whether or not I should and was just so relieved.  But only later after it quit sucking.  In the end, deciding to break up was harder than the actual break up.   I knew then too it was 100% the right choice. 

You know.  Deep inside, you really know.  Be brave and make your choice.

Good luck. 

 

Post # 11
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I can really understand your view and thinking on this! I also think there are many different people you could end up with and make it work. I dont think I believe in “the one”.

Me and my Fiance are very much the same but have very different outlooks on things. Hes sometimes like the jealous old man who never wants to go out or have me go out without him. I on the other hand am very social and would like to go out 2 or so times a month. We have a 3 year old child so he tends to use the baby and staying in as “good parenting”. Though my outlook is that everyone needs an outlet and I cannot stay in my home 24/7. I need some social stimulation! We have been had problems over this fo 3 years now. As small a thing as it sounds like, its huge. It has made me debate if I should be marrying him. I want him to want to marry me as I am, not as who he wants me to be. In the end though I know I wil. Because I cant imagine living my life without him in it.

I will just have to continue to put up with him as well as he will have to do with me.

Post # 13
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Hiya,

God I’m so sorry you’re going through all this – you must feel so torn!  As mentioned above, it’s healthy to question what your getting yourself into.  If more people recognised problems before their weddings there would be less divorce.

I think only you know how you feel.  As part of a couple, there’s always things about the other that will frustrate and annoy you – it’s human nature and life would be boring if we were all the same.  The fact you’ve been with this guy for so long, and obviously have so much love between you sounds maybe like it’s the dreaded prewedding jitters – and most brides get them!

I think you need to sit down and write down how you feel, or talk to a good friend.  You need to get this off your chest – but you also need to try and decide what you really want.

Good luck! x

Post # 14
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@lady –

If you can look at your Fiance and know that when it’s 3am and you have a crying baby in one arm and a fussy toddler in the other or a huge stack of bills that need to get paid and a dishwasher that need to get unloaded or a sick parent or whatever else life throws your way and know that there is no one else you would rather be in the trenches with – that this man has your back no matter what – then get married.   Smarts and shyness be damned.

I wish I could tell you how perfect this is, or how helpful/comforting/right it feels. Thanks so much! I’ve had some moments of doubt as wedding approaches, but I seem to come back to this place, of knowing this man is the only man I can imagine walking beside me through life… despite our differences, despite any doubts, despite the fact that he is not ‘perfect’ (whatever the hell that is anyway, and who is?). Gratefully –

Karen

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