(Closed) Cold feet 1 month after engagement?!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@Bettyboo1982:  Totally normal. I had a few moments before we got married. But I was always able to talk to him about it. He didnt freak out that I had doubts. He had his too. Just being able to talk about it together really made me feel like a team. 

As a side note–The biggest panic moment was after our non-legal wedding (with family and friends) but before our legal ceremony on our honeymoon. I was kinda married, but not really. Luckily it was very short and I worked through it on my own. LOL

I think it’s great that you are able to talk to  him about it. I also notice that with me, I wasnt  worried about him, I was worried about me. Can I do this? Will I make a good wife? Can our relationship weather all the crap life throws at us? 

And I dont know if this helps, but 3+ years married and I still have “Holy Crap, I’m Married” moments. LOL

The best thing you can do is learn about the best way to nuture and grow your relationship. I highly recommend John Gottman’s books. Using their techniques and having that knowledge has helped us have a great, still in the honeymoon phase, relationship even though we have gone through our toughest year yet–2 failed IVF’s, unemployment, Father-In-Law hospitalized. I would also read Love Languages. 

I’ve never used this web site, but many people found help at 

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Post # 18
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

It’s normal, I had anxiety before we moved in together and a little before/beginning of engagement.

I’ve just always been the type to want to be absolutely certain before making big decisions. 

Post # 19
Member
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My response when my DH proposed to me was, “that’s so cool!” and I immediately went into overthinking mode. I did say yes, but my gut was saying, “holy sh*t.” For me, I think it was because I’d been single for so long before I met him that it was a major identity shift/self-perception shift. There will be people who will say that you should run if you second-guess yourself, but I happen to know of people who never had doubts that maybe lasted a few years. I’m so glad I didn’t talk myself out of this marriage.

Post # 20
Member
2093 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Bettyboo1982:  yep! I freaked out for months after we got engaged. I’m 36, never married, so I have been waiting for a really long time! You would think I would have been so happy I couldn’t do anything but smile. But I cried. I grieved everything…my former last name, my old apartment, my old life. I read a book called Emotionally Engaged. It helped me. 

Now that we are married, I am just now settling in with the idea that I’m married! Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder who the hell I am! Hahah. But it’s slowing down…I’m learning to be happy and comfortable again. 🙂 You just have to give it time. 

Post # 21
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Totally normal.

I had this both times I got Engaged / Married.  And BOTH times I absolutely KNEW Married is what I wanted to be.

Even with Mr TTR, after years and years of being together, and KNOWING that he was the best thing ever to happen to me… I had a “Whoa this is serious, am I ready for this ??” moment of reflection.

 

Post # 22
Member
2093 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@4littlekitties:  I agree. I absolutely think the more independent one is or the longer they have been single, the harder time they might have. Not always, but I do see the correlation.

I think it’s just a big shift and if you are aware of shifts happening, you just FEEL it’s huge…b/c it is!

Post # 23
Member
4424 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

This is so normal, no worries! It’s a huge step, even if you know your life together won’t change much after getting married. I actually had a mini-freakout the day after we got married lol. I was so happy and excited, but it just hit me all at once that we were actually married and this was legal now!

Post # 24
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Bettyboo1982:  It’s completely normal.  In fact, it’s more normal than if you had no thoughts or hesitations at all, then I’d be worried about you.  🙂

Seriously, I’m happily married now and still have moments.

Post # 25
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Bettyboo1982:  Yup, it’s a big deal and a big realization, but I didn’t freak out because I was a nomad (5 cities in 7 years!) like you, but was ready to stop being nomadic by the time I met Fiance. 

Also, we don’t have a dog or mortgage… just a rent controlled apartment, so if we needed to pick up and move, we could easily do so. Together.

Post # 26
Member
2529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I did!

Honestly some time for inrospection and the fact that we pushed the wedding back 6 months was super helpful. I found a GREAT therapist and had a couple month’s worth of sessions with him, too.

Getting married is scary for a whole HOST of reasons! So your reaction is totally normal and OK – as long as you take steps to get yourself in a better place (whether that means plow ahead, push the wedding back, or call it off – all of those thigns are options on your table that you’re allowed to consider)

Post # 27
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Bettyboo1982:  Totally normal. I couldn’t sleep the night before my wedding…not out of excitment but because I was afraid I was making a mistake. Once I saw him during the ceremony as I walked down the aisle, it all dissipated. It’s a huge step in life!

Post # 28
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee

There’s an old joke that you might like:

“How do you eat an elephant? … One bite at a time.”

Forever sounds like a scary long time, but all it is is a long series of days. Just choose each day to love your Fiance and be kind to each other every day and you’ll be fine. Smile

Post # 29
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

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@Bettyboo1982:  I really did have those exact thoughts! It was excitement for a while, then just panic… but it went away and I’m now neutral with dashes of excitement thrown in!
Best of luck! 

Post # 30
Member
3066 posts
Sugar bee

It shows that you take marriage seriously.

 

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