Post # 17
Totally normal. I had a few moments before we got married. But I was always able to talk to him about it. He didnt freak out that I had doubts. He had his too. Just being able to talk about it together really made me feel like a team.
As a side note–The biggest panic moment was after our non-legal wedding (with family and friends) but before our legal ceremony on our honeymoon. I was kinda married, but not really. Luckily it was very short and I worked through it on my own. LOL
I think it’s great that you are able to talk to him about it. I also notice that with me, I wasnt worried about him, I was worried about me. Can I do this? Will I make a good wife? Can our relationship weather all the crap life throws at us?
And I dont know if this helps, but 3+ years married and I still have “Holy Crap, I’m Married” moments. LOL
The best thing you can do is learn about the best way to nuture and grow your relationship. I highly recommend John Gottman’s books. Using their techniques and having that knowledge has helped us have a great, still in the honeymoon phase, relationship even though we have gone through our toughest year yet–2 failed IVF’s, unemployment, Father-In-Law hospitalized. I would also read Love Languages.
I’ve never used this web site, but many people found help at
Post # 18
It’s normal, I had anxiety before we moved in together and a little before/beginning of engagement.
I’ve just always been the type to want to be absolutely certain before making big decisions.
Post # 19
My response when my DH proposed to me was, “that’s so cool!” and I immediately went into overthinking mode. I did say yes, but my gut was saying, “holy sh*t.” For me, I think it was because I’d been single for so long before I met him that it was a major identity shift/self-perception shift. There will be people who will say that you should run if you second-guess yourself, but I happen to know of people who never had doubts that maybe lasted a few years. I’m so glad I didn’t talk myself out of this marriage.
Post # 20
@Bettyboo1982: yep! I freaked out for months after we got engaged. I’m 36, never married, so I have been waiting for a really long time! You would think I would have been so happy I couldn’t do anything but smile. But I cried. I grieved everything…my former last name, my old apartment, my old life. I read a book called Emotionally Engaged. It helped me.
Now that we are married, I am just now settling in with the idea that I’m married! Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder who the hell I am! Hahah. But it’s slowing down…I’m learning to be happy and comfortable again. 🙂 You just have to give it time.
Post # 21
I had this both times I got Engaged / Married. And BOTH times I absolutely KNEW Married is what I wanted to be.
Even with Mr TTR, after years and years of being together, and KNOWING that he was the best thing ever to happen to me… I had a “Whoa this is serious, am I ready for this ??” moment of reflection.
Post # 22
I agree. I absolutely think the more independent one is or the longer they have been single, the harder time they might have. Not always, but I do see the correlation.
I think it’s just a big shift and if you are aware of shifts happening, you just FEEL it’s huge…b/c it is!
Post # 23
This is so normal, no worries! It’s a huge step, even if you know your life together won’t change much after getting married. I actually had a mini-freakout the day after we got married lol. I was so happy and excited, but it just hit me all at once that we were actually married and this was legal now!
Post # 24
@Bettyboo1982: It’s completely normal. In fact, it’s more normal than if you had no thoughts or hesitations at all, then I’d be worried about you. 🙂
Seriously, I’m happily married now and still have moments.
Post # 25
@Bettyboo1982: Yup, it’s a big deal and a big realization, but I didn’t freak out because I was a nomad (5 cities in 7 years!) like you, but was ready to stop being nomadic by the time I met Fiance.
Also, we don’t have a dog or mortgage… just a rent controlled apartment, so if we needed to pick up and move, we could easily do so. Together.
Post # 26
Honestly some time for inrospection and the fact that we pushed the wedding back 6 months was super helpful. I found a GREAT therapist and had a couple month’s worth of sessions with him, too.
Getting married is scary for a whole HOST of reasons! So your reaction is totally normal and OK – as long as you take steps to get yourself in a better place (whether that means plow ahead, push the wedding back, or call it off – all of those thigns are options on your table that you’re allowed to consider)
Post # 27
@Bettyboo1982: Totally normal. I couldn’t sleep the night before my wedding…not out of excitment but because I was afraid I was making a mistake. Once I saw him during the ceremony as I walked down the aisle, it all dissipated. It’s a huge step in life!
Post # 28
There’s an old joke that you might like:
“How do you eat an elephant? … One bite at a time.”
Forever sounds like a scary long time, but all it is is a long series of days. Just choose each day to love your Fiance and be kind to each other every day and you’ll be fine.
Post # 29
I really did have those exact thoughts! It was excitement for a while, then just panic… but it went away and I’m now neutral with dashes of excitement thrown in!
Best of luck!
Post # 30
It shows that you take marriage seriously.
Post # 31
Update! thanks everybody for all your comments they have really helped!! I’ve done some googling and realized its very common. Its a transition period and I guess I’m grieving for my old life, what could have been and what might happen in the future if i wasn’t getting married! I’m 31 and was independent for a long time, while we live together its his house so i just pay ” rent” though this will obv change when we’re married. Some ppl get these thoughts after they are married and more after engagement. I’ve ordered a book online “the Conscious Bride” it got great reviews, its About all the emotional changes that comes with getting engaged/married. One thing i’ve done over the last week and I’m not proud of , is i’ve been thinking about an ex ALOT. He dumped me of course and was the “one that got away”. I’ve been comparing the bad boy passion and excitement with him to what I have with my Fiance. Good old reliable commitment and love! Apparently this is all completely normal too PHEW!! There’s a whole section on the author’s website. Its very interesting how the bad boy heartbreak feeling gets rolled into the love feeling and the chaos of that is what we expect from future relationships. I knew pretty well my relationship with my EX was completely toxic! i just didn’t realize years on it would resurface like this and affect what should be the happiest stage in my life! the book seems to cover more or less everything i’ve been feeling! Below is an extract from the book, I’ll keep posted here how i found it for any other bees out there that might benefit from this!!
“While family and future in-laws squabble over the menu and the table decorations, brides are supposed to sit, smile, and bask in the prospect of their happiness, even though that prospect is guaranteed to include the post-wedding depression that hits some 90 percent of women during their first year of marriage. This is a must-have book for any woman who has found the partner she wants to be with for the rest of her life and has made up her mind to celebrate that commitment.
Bridal counselor Sheryl Paul interviewed a diverse group of women who share their true feelings about the many concerns that can make an engagement a roller coaster of emotional ups and downs. Along with practical advice and support, you will find welcome acknowledgement of shared doubts and fears that so often run amok as wedding bells take their toll.”