(Closed) Cold Feet?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I think that wedding anxiety is totally normal… but debilitating wedding anxiety is not.  Anything requiring medication to maintain normal activities of daily living would warrant some long talks with a counselor who can help you mindfully manage the anxiety and deal with the underlying issues that have caused it… (which you seem to have already successfully identified!)

I think many people have early life trauma that impacts their relationship with spouse, but to have a successful marriage, it is important to deal with that stuff as effectively as possible.

Good luck.  Let us know what happens.

Post # 4
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Ok hun, don’t even get me started on having cold feet! I am the queen!

Ok, I am going to tell you my story (and its not to scare you or anything but it’s to show you its normal!!)

So I got engaged April of 2008 – we had been together 5 years, it was perfect, its what I wanted, we lived together everything was on that track.

Like you – about 2-3 months into it I was fraking out! "I’m so young, do I want to be with him the rest of my life", "Do I want to be with other people", "Do I actually want to be with HIM" etc etc etc

It ended up straining out relationship SO much that we actually ended up calling off the wedding (which was a destination wedding in which a lot of stuff was already booked – so we lost quite a chunk of change on that) and ended up ‘splitting up’ I moved out, moved in with my cousin thinking it was the right thing….boy could I have never been more wrong!

It took me no more than a day to realize what I had done was wrong, and all the thoughts I had were just because of stress of the wedding and – cold feet. However because of how I was thinking, and the rash decision I made to split up with my Fiance he started to think about everything too…so he didn’t want to get back together – which was the hardest, scariest thing ever!

It took 3 months for him to come around, but it DID happen and were back together stronger than ever, planning our second wedding and never looking back! were ready!

I know how you’re feeling, it’s one of the most conflicting, exhasting, scariest thoughts when it comes to your LIFE. But you will overcome it. it happens to alot of people, and can be delt with (in many other better ways than how I approched fixing it) but it does happen.

You CAN deal with this! and you’ll get to your wedding day and never look back and laugh at how silly you were being! I promise you!

***big hugs*** xoxox

Post # 5
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

I love all of your comments doctorgirl…they’re always so helpful!

Champ – I think you would definitely benefit from some long term counseling. I have a friend who is in the exact same situation you are in right now, and counseling has helped her leaps and bounds. Her parents also split with infidelity being the reason, and she was also cheated on in the past. Her therapist has helped her realize that her Fiance comes from a solid family with great values and would never cheat on her b/c he loves her. I think talking with someone could help you with your fears of abandonment.

Definitely let us know how things turn out. We’re rooting for you!

Post # 6
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

one more thing…

Breath!

Take a moment for just yourself

🙂

Post # 8
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Champagne, it’s so good to hear you’re open to going to talk to someone. It really is going to help you so much. If you’ve never been to counseling before, though, don’t worry if it doesn’t "fix" you right away. These things take time, but it really will be worth it, I promise. Also, don’t be deceived if all of a sudden right before a session you start feeling fine. Odds are, that means you’re nervous about going and are trying subconsciously to come up with an excuse not to go. It’s okay to be nervous; the counselor will understand!

As for something to talk about, the situation with your mom’s second wedding caught my attention. If you know, Why did he call off the wedding? Did they break up or just decide not to marry? At some level, are you worried that your fiance will do this to you?

So, like others have said, I think it’s really normal that you’re feeling these issues, especially given your past family situation. Some people don’t get cold feet until the end, and some people get them right away. You’re ahead of the curve! Usually they are helpful because it means you’re thinking through your decision.

I also had early-engagement jitters. It got progressively better as the engagement went on and I worked out my issues and got used to the idea of getting married. It’s an adjustment; just give yourself time (and you’ve got loads of time!). I know I freak out at every change in my life, but once it’s changed I get used to it and I’m happy again. I felt jittery again right after I got married too—newlywed jitters! However, we’ve been married almost 7 months now and I feel even better about it than I did after just one month of marriage. That might happen to you too, and it doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed or that there’s something wrong with you! It’s a process, and focus on the good stuff to keep your crazies at bay :). And remember to breathe. Everything is going to be just fine.

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