- 10 years ago
Hi everyone, I’m here again, flooded with doubt. I hate this.
I’ll make it as brief as possible (‘as possible’ being the operative words here). I know I was on here a month ago saying my Fiance and I had sorted things out, so I am incredibly embarrassed to be back. Incredibly embarrassed. But I just have doubt and fear about my future with my Fiance. I feel like the progress and understanding we came to has quickly worn off, and old habits and fears have crept back in; Even despite the fact that I’ve accepted a lot about our future life together: I know that he is in a business where he will have to be away a lot, and that our life will be dictated by his career plans, not mine. I realized I had a choice: either embrace those things which I cannot change, or leave. I decided to stay, and I’ve learned to accept those things, be supportive of his endeavors, continue to encourage his career even though it’s what divides us at times. And I had come to a place of peace with these subjects, even agreeing to live in a city that is not preferrable to me. All of these things I have accepted without resentment.
However, we have been presented with more challenges lately, and I have realized that the expectation just might always be on me. I thought that we had come to an agreement that this marriage should be a team, founded on compromise. I think on paper that’s what Fiance wants, but when push comes to shove, his selfishness takes over, and the excuses start to flow. I know he loves me. I know that he cares about me, that he likes doing nice things for me, that he wants to see me happy and that we have a lot of fun together. But lately, I can’t stop focusing on the things that I wish were different, or his “flaws” for lack of a better word. There are times lately that I wonder, what am I doing? Why am I marrying him? And these questions only continue to grow, not subside, the closer we get to the wedding. I worry how I will feel when I am walking down the aisle. Will I be happy? Or will this dread flood over me? I’m scared that I even am asking myself that question.
I’m afraid (as he is too, he mentioned it tonight) that he can’t give me the life I want. Let me be clear, this “life” I want isn’t based on materialistic things, like a big house or an expensive car (although I’d take them! who wouldn’t? haha); but seriously, I just want a stable, settled life with a husband who puts his family and wife first, who values my goals and desires as important as his own.
Since May, my fiance and I have been apart due to his work and a family vacation he had, and on my part, some family responsibilities that I needed to fulfill. We have been apart since May 8th, and won’t see each other until Sept 11th. We did, however, spend 3 weeks together in June. I know tension could be building because of that. However, the other night, after a frustrating argument I had with my Fiance on the phone, I just cried and cried to my sister, telling her I was scared about the way I was feeling toward marrying my Fiance. I told her this:” All I want is to be able to walk down that aisle with complete and utter confidence, see him standing there, and think what a wonderful man I am marrying. All I want to be able to say, at the end of the day is, I married a good man.” I just looked at her through tears and then said, “And I’m so sad because I don’t think I feel that way.”
I hate to ask you all again for advice, but has anyone felt cold feet in a degree similar to this? I’m worried at times that I’m making a mistake. I want to talk to my family about it, but I have taken them on such a roller coaster ride previously, when we almost called the wedding off. I just fear that if I involve my family again, and I DO end up with him in the long run, there will be even MORE doubt in their minds about whether or not we belong together.
I’m confused and just wonder if anyone else has ever felt this way. Has anyone ever experienced cold feet about their future spouse, like, whether or not you will succeed in marriage? Whether or not this person is truly for you? Whether or not you are making a mistake?
Thanks again so much in advance.