(Closed) Cold Feet

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
1523 posts
Bumble bee

I think that the important thing to think about is that it doesn’t seem like you’re really scared of the marriage–it’s really the guy you’re with that you have doubts about. Cold feet is fear of a wedding, not fear of making a mistake with the groom. 

 

My best advice would go to marriage counseling before you get married. Don’t get married unless you’re sure you’re marrying the right guy. You should be excited that you’re going to be together forever. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him or he doesn’t love you, it just might mean it’s not right…or not right for right now and you both need to work on the relationship. If you think that he’s never going to change or fulfill your dreams, then don’t take such a huge step with him. Maybe talk to friends not family? Or a counselor for just you?

Post # 5
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

aww *hugs* i’m sorry your feeling like this.Is it possible to stop planning and postpone while you guys get some help to sort all of this out? that would be my best advice put it on hold and go see a marriage counselor. It might even help for you to see someone on your own first. good luck

Post # 6
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Sorry you feel like this – sounds like you are really giving yourself a hard time about everything.

I am not sure what advise to give you – as I don’t think I know even 5% of what I need to know in order to make an accurate comment, but I do urge you to *think* about leaving him/not getting married and see what emotions that brings up. Sit somewhere quiet and go through the scenario in your head – and make note of how your feel. Do you feel relieved? Or perhaps you feel regret?

Post # 7
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

don’t be embarrassed about coming back here, the wedding bee boards are here for support!

as for what you are worried about, if both you and your Fiance are worried that he can’t give you what you want – in your words, a husband who puts wife and family life first – then yes, there are some serious problems.  Sometimes I get really pissed off with Fiance and we argue, and his little habits annoy me, but I’m talking about LITTLE things. Not big things.  I KNOW that he will ALWAYS put his wife (and kids, when we have them) first and make them his priorities because that’s something that we’ve talked about, and I have promised to do the same.  I really wouldn’t marry anyone who couldn’t promise me that.

I’m not saying that you should always feel excited about wedding planning and stuff, because there’s no way anyone can be excited and happy about something for two years straight!  Sometimes wedding planning is stressful and boring and I’m sure all of us have thought about eloping at times.  But you do need to have faith that no matter what else, your husband will be a good husband. that is what will get you through the difficult patches.  If you don’t even believe that right now, then like pp’s have said, you need to put things on hold and work through this.  I have loved other people but broken up with them because we weren’t at the right point in our lives to stay together.  You guys may just not be right for each other, as difficult as that may be. ((*hugs*))

Post # 9
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@anonymous625: you sound so sad!! I’m sorry, it sounds like more than something that can just be worked through relatively easily.  I don’t think you should head into marriage already upset and worried and hating where you live. if he travels so much, can you move somewhere else? 

I’ve never had to ask my Fiance to make a choice between his career or me and I think most people don’t have to do that, but I really wonder what he would say!  Or what I would say if he said that to me…. hmmm.  Your situation is pretty unique.  But you sound so unhappy, and it’s interesting that when you talk about the three weeks with your family you say that by the end of it you felt stronger. I wonder if taking a longer break  – say for 3 months – could help both of you decide what you want? because in the end a relationship does need more than love to make it work, there’s logistical stuff that has to be dealt with too.  maybe you’re just not in the right place at the right time to be with this guy right now?   if he’s continuing to take these job opportunities knowing how upset you are about it then it seems like this is exactly what the rest of your life will be like if you stay with him.  Can you marry someone knowing that you will probably very often feel like the little kid on the school steps?    Only you really know the answer.  poor you!!! difficult decisions to make 🙁

Post # 10
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I don’t have any real advise for you – except that you are insanely WISE for thinking about these things NOW and not wait until after you are married.

I always heard about how difficult marriage was – but I really TRULY didn’t believe it.  It wasn’t until after I was on the other side of the aisle that I realized a bit of why it IS so hard.  You are constantly sacrificing yourself your spouse.  And – it mostly works if both partners are doing working just as hard for the other.  But, if there is some imbalance, it’s VERY easy to start building up resentment and feel like you are the only one doing all the work.

I say all of that because it seems like the distance and time spent together thing WILL continue to be an issue for you.  I’d honestly postpone the wedding, until you CAN have the life you want – and to make sure that it’s something that he is willing to do as well.  Ambition is one thing – but choosing to be away from you is another.  It would be fine if you were ok with it, but you are not.

I also recently read this article – it’s a bit biased – so take from it what you will –  but your thoughts on being 100% sure while walking down the aisle reminded me of it:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-gauvain/doubts-before-marriage_b_919868.html?ref=fb&src=sp

Post # 11
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Call it off. This is not heading anywhere good. I can’t imagine spending your first year of married life apart. If there was some definitive endpoint after which you got to live together and see him all the time, then I guess maybe it could work…but it sounds like you will always be home alone while he works or left behind while he’s traveling. Let him go do his thing, and you rebuild your life. You sound lonely and exhausted and there’s no solution in sight. Don’t do this.

Post # 12
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry to say it, but your Fiance doesn’t sound like the right fit for you.  He may be a wonderful man and you may love him very much, but this just doesn’t sound like it will bring you happiness in the long run.  I think it might be time for you to move on.  There is a man out there that wants the same things you want and is more compatible with you. 

Post # 13
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

only you know what you truly want in life and how you feel …, i dont think its nice for anyone to tell you to call it off or get rid of him as they dont truly know the situation … the best advice I can give is talk to him …. sit down and talk to him. Good luck with it all xxx

Post # 14
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Post # 15
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@tuscanbride: Tough situation, I’m so sorry. I totally understand questioning your own expectations and wondering if you’re being unreasonable and/or insecure. If you are concerned that it’s you, maybe you should consider going to counseling alone to sort out your own feelings? Also, you mention your sister a lot, but you don’t say what her impression/reaction is… are you getting any objective second opinions? Hang in there, but for sure you should not proceed as planned until you have that confidence you mention. <<Hugs>>

Post # 16
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

To me it seems that you already know in your mind what the answer should be but your heart hasn’t caught up ( and probably won’t for a little while). It seems that you’re doing most of the sacrificing and he’s just expecting you to do everything to be with him and his work.

I understand that you want a hard-working, driven man, but  that doesn’t mean that you have to be second to his career. a hard-working driven man doesn’t equal a workaholic, it equals someone who is willing to work hard at ALL the aspects of his life and driven to fulfill ALL his duties (that includes husband and future parent too).

You might be sad now and if you decide to not follow through you might be sad for a long time. But imagine what it would be like to have this situation ( the one you’ve been going through for the past 6+ months) for the rest of your life. What happens when you have kids and he won’t be there for their special moments, or piano recitals, or baseball games. What happens when you more frequently than not go to bed alone, and watch tv without him beside you?

I don’t doubt that he’s a great guy and that he loves you and wants to be with you, but he has to *really* understand that marriage is a compromise, not just having a wife who’ll be there when he gets back from travelling.

Nobody should walk down the aisle having doubts about the man standing at the end of it. It should be a joyful moment knowing that it’s the start of a wonderful life together.

I sort of cringed when I read that your life would be determined by his career goals and not yours. Ouch. Picture yourself 10,15,20 years from now. What happens when you’re thinking about what you’ve accomplished in your career, and when you think about what you could have done in your career if things were different? Will you feel resentful that you couldn’t fulfill your dreams because you had to sacrifice them for his dreams?

Think about it and don’t wait too much. Ask him what it would feel like for him to not have you by his side. But when you listen to his answer, pay more attention to his tone of voice and emotions. Any man can say “baby I’ll die without you” but only those who really mean will show it with their eyes, emotions, and tone of voice.

You deserve better than crying yourself to sleep every day before the wedding.

HUGS!

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