(Closed) Cold Feet

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

This is the hard part–when fantasy and reality crash. In the fantasy, you meet a great guy and you fall in love and you get married. In the real world, marriage is about more than just being in love. It’s about having shared goals (and shared sacrifices), similar wants and desires about the rythm of your daily lives.

You need more than love and a desire for it to work. That’s the hard part that no one tells you–sometimes great isn’t good enough.You want it to work out, but sometimes working really hard at it still isn’t enough.

You know what you have to do. If you listened to that small still voice inside of you. You know it’s telling you, this isn’t it. Your head is talking about how if you work harder or sacrifce more or OMG how embarressing. But your gut knows already–you’ve done everything you could, but this just isn’t enough.

You aren’t a bad person if you walk away. You are a smart, strong woman who knows what she needs. And he can’t give you what you need. And you can’t change what you need (and you aren’t bad for having those needs.) He’s not bad for being able to give you what you need.

Good Luck and be strong and listen to that small voice inside you!

 

Post # 18
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You have to read this!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-neil-clark-warren/on-second-thought-dont-ge_b_888874.html

But after decades of working with a few thousand well-intended and hardworking married people, I’ve become convinced that 75 percent of what culminates in a disappointing marriage — or a great marriage — has far less to do with hard work and far more to do with partner selection based on “broad-based compatibility.” It became clear to me that signs which were predictive of the huge differences between eventually disappointing and ultimately great marriages were obvious during the premarital phase of relationships.

Post # 19
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is a hard situation, no matter what everyone says just remember, Only YOU know what YOU really want in life and out of a partner…And only YOU can tell what really makes you happy. 

Follow your heart not your head.  If you really feel like he is not the person you want to, with every fiber of your being, spend the rest of your life with, is it really worth spending all the money on a wedding?

You want to be happy in the end.  You only live once, yes its a difficult situation, but if you don’t feel in your heart that he is really your “soul mate” or the one you belong with FOREVER, maybe marrying him isn’t such a great idea.  Don’t settle. Do what makes you happy..

Good luck, and remember no matter what you decide, we are here for you in the hive!

Post # 20
Member
5785 posts
Bee Keeper

You might start by making a list seperated into 2 parts. Put all the things you LOVE about him in one column, and on the other side list what you aren’t so happy about or that you hate about him. See which side has more of the qualities you’re willing to accept. It might tell you all you need to know.

It honestly sounds like way more than cold feet. It sounds like you are settling for less than what you really want.

Post # 22
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

View original reply
@anonymous625: Your last post makes absolute perfect sense. All of it. Kudos to you for keeping a clear head and a rational approach to what is a very emotional situation. And most of all, good for you that you are recognizing where your “line in the sand” is before it’s too late. As much as you love each other, I believe strongly that love is not enough to sustain a relationship. Even more important is that you have a shared vision for your life, and while some compromise may be necessary along the way, neither partner should feel that he/she is sacrificing their most valued goals and dreams for the other person.

It seems to me now that you should cancel the wedding for the time being and take some time apart.  You don’t necessarily have to break up entirely, but you should pull back on what you’re “giving” (living where he wants to live, being on his timetable, etc.) and begin to live your life “as if” those compromises should not be assumed on his part. It may (or may not) cause him to see things differently, but either way, you will get clarity on what he wants above all else – to succeed in his career, or to ensure a life with you. 

Good luck and be strong. Sending lots of virtual hugs in your direction!

Post # 23
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

P.S. And I know it’s difficult, but try not to take his seeming preference for his career too personally. Men have an innate (genetic) drive to succeed/provide for their families; for many, it literally defines their self-worth. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you as much or more than he “loves” his career. They are two very separate things to a man, not to be compared or placed in a hierarchy.

Post # 24
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.  You’ve come to the realization that although you both love each other dearly, this may not be the life and marriage you want.  Although I never made I never had cold feet w/ my DH, I had cold feet feelings in other relationships. 

I just got married @ 41 while a # of my friends have been married for a decade or more.  They were really honest w/ me about their marriages, so I focused more on compatibility instead of just the butterflies.  My DH is my world, my heart, and I would die for him.  I could never say that about previous lovers because there was something missing in our relationship.  Having children, work Expectations, family expectations, soc-economic backgrounds, etc.  Although those love relationships ended, my DH and I found each other.

fyi-We’re an E-Harmony couple.  If it wasn’t for online dating, we would have never met.  Although we are highly compatiblie, we never ran in the same circles.  Thank God for the internet:)

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