The things people have contributed are so meaningful and I really appreciate everything. The Huff Posts are really interesting as well.
I’m in a really tough spot right now, and I feel like I just don’t know what to think anymore. I expressed all of this to my Fiance last night, and he and I are both at a loss. He was very clear that our life would have to revolve around him for sometime until he achieves what he wants to achieve. I was willing to dedicate my plans and life to him, rearrange everything that I thought I wanted in order to be with him, because I love him. And because if I didn’t make those compromises, I knew we wouldn’t be together. He said: “This is what I’m committed to doing, I have to accomplish these things in my career. It requires a lot of sacrifice a total dedication, and requires us to stay in this environment” thus negating any of my own plans or dreams for lifestyle or our future. I was even willing to agree to that for 5-10 years…but I am scared that it will never be my turn. That he will never deem the things that are most important to me as important at all, if they are not on his own personal agenda (i.e. settling down in a house somewhere suburban, preferably nearer to family). I am afraid (and am almost certain) that if I were to get a great job opp, I would be told why it isn’t possible or condusive to our lives together to follow. I asked him if the shoe was on the other foot, and I asked him to move somewhere for my pursuit, he said, “Eventually, I might consider that. If you were presented with an opportunity that was going to make you happy and lucrative, then I would be willing I guess to try it out, but I can’t guarantee it’d be perfect.” I’m not asking for perfect. What I think he meant to say was, I can’t guarantee that I’d even be willing to consider, let alone make it work.
I see what I have given, and sacrificed in the past few months in order to make us work (staying in a city that really makes me miserable, deciding to go back to school to support a family eventually). All these things were done for US, because at the end of the day, being with him was more important to me than my own personal agenda, even though the things I wanted were FOR US anyway (a stable family life, a slower-paced environment). But to have someone give me an ultimatum, and basically explain that if I don’t agree to living in our current city, then we have no future was tough. Still, I rose above it and chose him over my own self. And he continually chooses himself above me. And expects that I will continue to do that. I told him last night that since there are so many things he still wants to accomplish in his career, and since he doesn’t have peace in that yet, and since he doesn’t obviously feel complete yet with his current accomplishments, and since he has no room to dedicate to anything else but his career, that to me, that’s a person who’s not at all ready for marriage. I asked him why he proposed, when it’s so obvious he A) has no clue what marriage means or what it takes, and B) he’s so evidently not ready to give that type of committment to a person. He said he proposed because he loves me and couldn’t see himself spending the rest of his life with anyone else.
That’s a wonderful reason, but it’s not the only reason to marry a person. You can’t just have your cake and eat it too. Being married means giving your whole self to a person. I’m ready for that type of committment. I am excited to take that next step, to dedicate my energies to a person I love. But when that person is not ready to give themselves to you in that way, it is very scary. I tried to make him see that. I pray that he does.