(Closed) cold feet

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think this sounds sad. I couldn’t imagine spending 9 years with someone that didn’t make me feel loved.  You sound like you’re settling and staying because it’s comfortable. I think all relationships eventually lose some of the spark and grow out of the honey moon phase, but this sounds like someone worse than that. Your relationship sounds very bland and I don’t think he will change based on his past as well. 

Post # 4
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@freckles5672: 

Am I a silly girl who dreams of romance heros who don’t exist? Is it unfair to ask someone to make you happy because happiness should come from within?  I have spent nine years with this man and I have chosen to marry him.  Maybe love is a choice and I should just stick with it?  What do you  think?

Oh, I’m sorry to read this 🙁 You’re not silly and romance heros do exist. My husband is a romantic. No, it’s not unfair to ask someone to make you happy. The happiness that comes from within is happiness with yourself, who you are. The happiness you are looking for is from SO to SO. It seems like  he can step it up and you want him to…Yet, if this is not who HE is, perhaps you are just not compatible for each other? I mean, not unless you can imagine living this way with him forever.  It’s already been 9 years and he’s probably wondering why you are asking him to change, at this point.

You never have to go through with marrying someone if you think you will not be happy. Never. He may hurt, you may hurt but in the long term, you both might be happier for it and find someone compatible (both of you). That’s what I think….

I send warm wishes your way that it all works out.

PS. If what YOU need out of a relationship and what HE needs are two totally different things, what are the pluses of marrying him? Food for thought.

I’ve dated someone who lacked in the romance department. He just wasn’t for me. I couldn’t imagine the rest of my life with someone who only said they loved me on occasion.

Also, “rarely fighting” indicates the lack of passion in your relationship. What are these same things that you want out of life? If marriage were just a business arangement, I think they’d call it something else. IDK…. :(((

 

Post # 5
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

This is pretty heavy. Part of me wants to tell you to not settle. If you want love, passion and romance then by God you deserve all of that!

Then another part of me, a more realistic part wants me to tell you that real life is NOT a fairytale. Men do not come to your aid with a sword sitting atop a horse, men do not want to make passionate love to you all hours of the day, and men are usually very selfish creatures. As much as we women want to believe that real life is a romance novel, it’s not.

You obvioussly love this man and before you two decided to get married, you clearly had no issue with this lack of romance and passion because you have been with him for 9 years. He isn’t going to miraculously become this romantic man overnight if ever. and you also realize his lack of wanting to have sex is not you because he very obvioussly was not like that with his ex-wife.

Only you can really make that call, but all I am saying is if you have been happy for 9 years with him the way he is, then what all of a sudden changed and why? If you explore that, that just might help!

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Romance can be overrated and some people just aren’t into it. But feeling loved is an important part of marriage and I can understand how you would miss that. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Can you live without feeling really loved by your partner?

My Fiance isn’t particularily romantic. He’s pulled off a couple of cute things, but nothing crazy like some of the posts on here. He proposed in bed first thing in the morning. But he tells me he loves me multiple times a day. I need that reinforcement. I also come from a family where we say “I love you” all the time. So I guess I made that clear early on the in the relationship and he gives me that.

Would you stay with him if you didn’t get married?

Post # 8
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

If you love him and you think you’ll have a happy life with him, then marry him. But it may be worth it to get some counselling or something. If you can live with sex once a month and little romance that’s fine – but he needs to know that you have to feel loved to be happy in the relationship. Do you plan on doing pre-marital classes with your spiritual leader? Would your fiance be willing to go to counselling or read some books to help work on your relationship?

Post # 9
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@freckles5672: Could your family be influencing your decision  right now? As in:

“Well, they are upset at me so I can’t imagine leaving him now…I made them upset at me for 9 years and then I leave him?”

It’s great that you consider him your best friend but you say you want more. You need a lover and a romantic partner.

Your decision is your own, at this point…but romantic men DO exist. And I disagree somewhat with PP. Romance may not be the be all and end all of a relationship…but it sure as heck helps it immensely.

(Just a thought on a personal level: My story with Darling Husband is fairytale. I guess I really lucked out. But how much of it was luck and how much of it was me saying “NEVER ever will I settle for less than I want/deserve”. A bit of both I guess)

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