(Closed) Cold feet

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@foreignbride:  Weddings bring out the crazy in people.

Are all your arguments with your Fiance currently based around the wedding? Or are there other issues too?

I know Darling Husband had several fights/bickering sessions over “silly” wedding stuff. 

Have you made any plans yet? Or are you still in the brainstorming phase?

If your Fiance is feeling like you aren’t communicating it might be good to have a pre-marital counseling session or two just to open up your communication. If you are religious you can usually do this through your place of worship.

Or, if you don’t want to do any counseling, there are lots of great books/workbooks out there to facilitate healthy communication as a couple.Planning a wedding can be really stressful, make sure you take the time to do things that you love to do as a couple and make sure you aren’t going “wedding crazy” so he doesn’t start thinking that you changed after he proposed.

 

Post # 5
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Hugs! I’ll echo the PP… wedding planning amplifies any issues that were there before the engagement. And sometimes it really does bring out the crazy in otherwise rational people. It’s normal, and you two can work through this. No need for cold feet!

I think you and your Fiance need to put active planning on hold for a few weeks. There is nothing wrong with taking a time out and giving yourselves the chance to breathe and enjoy one another without the pressure of planning the wedding. Once you’ve reconnected, slowly start the conversations again with a goal of just talking and exploring eachother’s wedding-related goals, hopes, expectations, etc. It took Mr. LK and I a good month of talks and negotiations to establish a shared vision for our wedding. But once we did, the planning went much easier because we were a united front.

Speaking of, you two need to be a team when it comes to interacting with your respective families. You need to establish firm and respectful boundaries with them, and make it clear that saying fomething to one of you is as good as saying it to both of you. They need to know that you two make decisions as a single unit, and that you expect to be treated as such. part of planning a wedding is negotiating new family roles and expectations. This is an opportunity for you to be seen and respected as a new family unit.

Maybe your Mother-In-Law needs you to reach out to her. You two could skyp with her or have lunch or something so that all 3 of you can talk wedding stuff (after you and Fiance estasblish your shared vision, of course). That way she feels like you want her involvement and will maybe stop sniping behind your back. And remember, she may feel like she is losing her son. Try to turn it around so that she feels like she is gaining a daughter. As a Mom of a son, I can tell you that losing my baby boy to his first girlfriend was a bit rough. I can only imagine how it will feel when he decides to get married!

Post # 6
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@foreignbride:  I have considered counseling but I feel that if we need counseling now that our lives are pretty easy what is going to happen when we have kids and money problems, etc?


Don’t think of counseling that way. The reason for counseling early on is to learn how to effectively communicate so that when the tough issues come up, you know how to deal with them. It doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong with your relationship.

Pre-marital counseling also often focuses on asking those hard questions about money, children, etc BEFORE they happen so you can each talk about your expectations surrounding these difficult issues in a controlled environment.

In fact, counseling would provide you a place to talk about his going back to school and your desire to have a baby and try to work out a way so you can both get what you want to have a fulfilling life. 

Post # 9
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I am sorry to hear that.  And I can tell you wedding brings out the worst of people sometimes. 

My sister had a similar situation till her wedding day mostly with groom’s family trying to take control of the wedding planning and unfortunately groom is not standing up for his bride.  They would discuss and agree on one thing and the next day after talking to his mom / sister, the plan is 180 degree changed. Problem with theirs they were having a rush time planning it so it was a problem. 

I would highly suggest take a break from the planning.  Calm down both youself and himself first.  Then think about all the problems you can see on the relationship / wedding planning….anything as far as communications.  Then talk with him very calmly and openly about the issues you think you guys have.  Hopefully you guys will be on the same page.  Do this before any further planning is done.  Once the “family” gets involved in the planning, you can’t tell them no or change their “lovely plan” without hurting their feelings or yours. 

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