Post # 16
wildflower3 : I’m just sick to death of all these guys (in my own life and described on this board) that will use literally any excuse instead of just admitting they dont want to marry any time soon. The excuse can be anything from he needs to lose weight to he wants his gf to have more “chemistry” with his parents (read both of these here within the last few weeks). It always boils down to “its not you, its something out of my control, poor me”. Having a friend or parent that once divorced is another super common one. As if they don’t know anyone who is unmarried and whose relationship failed? My tolerance for these sort of people is just down to zero.
But like everything its not that simple. You know him obviously, I’m sure his reasons are true in your case. Its good he seems to want to address the issue together.
Post # 17
pancakes11 : Agree 100% I have a close friend who’s going through almost the same thing as the OP and it’s pretty clear in my friend’s case that the guy doesn’t want her to move out to him and doesn’t want to/isn’t ready to get married (they are not engaged). I just wish he’d be honest with her instead of wasting her time.
Post # 18
pancakes11 : I do think I understand what you are saying though – not wanting to commit yet wanting the girl to stick around (however much longer). Both sexes do it and sometimes you just can’t have your cake and eat it too, basically. Making excuses that either cannot change or he will never work to change.
In my case, I encouraged him to talk to his three close advice-people (parents and a close friend), and he’d already beat me to it with voicemails left for them. We talked more, and he has talked to the parents so far. His dad was neutral and diplomatic with excellent thought-provoking questions as usual, and his mom basically said what I’d been saying – that he is just scared and, while understandably so, that we’ve been working towards this and he can’t let himself just be ruled by the fear that something COULD go wrong. That’s like never riding horses because MAYBE, SOME DAY, you could fall off and be run over and break all your ribs.
Also for us, we don’t even want to take the step of me moving to him and living together unless we are getting engaged (and that’s more his preference than mine; I’m a little more flexible). I can definitely see how some people (including our mothers) see living together as ‘playing house’ if you aren’t actively moving towards marriage, and I can also see how it can certainly turn into a situation of being more or less stuck in one place without progressing. That’s fine if neither wants to be married, but if one of the couple actually want to get married or ‘progress’, then that can become a big issue.
His mom also suggested that, before getting counseling (as it goes on your military records when you get counseling), that he should seek out a priest or chaplain to start with. We both like that idea; we had already wanted to do pre-marital counseling before getting married (we are both the analyst-sort that want to gather all the data and utilize resources) and he was already looking into counseling, so we are onboard for his mom’s suggestion. It’s off the record and someone who deals with faith, relationships, doubts, and other humanly struggles. He’s also going to suggest it to his married friend.