Post # 1
So my big day is getting near June 22. My fiance and I have been together for two years, and lived separately for most of it. In December I moved into his home because I wanted to give us a bit of time to live together and iron out any kinks before we get married. I’m 32 F, he’s 28 M.
Prior to me moving in he was renting a bedroom in his three bedroom one bath to his younger sister. The plan was for her to move out in Mar-April time frame before the wedding, but 10 months ago she lost her job and has been unable to find another. I moved in under the assumption that she was moving out, because I’ve lived in my own place for three years (had an apartment) and told him that I couldn’t go back to having roommates, as I love my privacy, work full time and working on a PhD at night. So my time is stretched thin and my stress levels are a bit high.
Anyway, his sister has not been able to find work. She was trying to join the military but was declined for medical reasons. She is very nice and I have no issues with her as a person, except she has no situational awareness and basically camps out in the living room every single day. I come home and she is always there (I know she lives there), but there are two tvs in the house one in her room and one in the living room yet she never goes upstairs to watch hers. She and my fiance are always bickering over something (for e.g. she was mad that he was watching her Netflix, or that he ate her onions) and I’m feeling very claustrophobic.
I think I was ok in December and January because I was operating under the assumption that this was temporary but now I’m not seeing any signs that she will be moving soon because she is out of work and it’s driving me crazy. I had a very comfortable life so living with a roommate is driving me nuts. Also, my fiance snores like a freight train and we normally alternate on the couch because it isn’t usually every night but lately it has been and I’ve maybe slept like 2 hours in the past two days. I had to take a sick day because I’ve been up all night between the snoring and now my anxious mind running as to whether I can deal with this long term.
I love him and I love how kind and caring he is which is why I truly understand the predicament that he is in, but I’m a grown woman and do not want to live this way. Advice needed…is this the insomnia making me Looney? Is this enough to have second thoughts over? Idk what to do….
Post # 2
Ugh I’m sorry, bee.
So has your Fiance been covering his sister’s rent all this time? You say she’s been out of work for 10 months. Things happen, but it’s been almost a year she hasn’t been working- she needs to get a job, any job, so she can at least contribute something. Like waitressing or grocery cashier. It’s not right if she’s living there for free, taking up the living room every day, and I’d ask your Fiance to have a conversation with her.
You can’t just kick her out obviously, but she needs to get a job at the bare minimum. At least she’d be out of the house so you’d have some time to study
Post # 3
Whoaaa lets take a deep deep breath. What you have explained, can be fixed. There are ways to go about these situations. Have a talk with your FH about Future Sister-In-Law. Tell him how you feel and wht needs to happen (In a nice, respectful way). Get that cleared and it will be one of the ways you guys will work as a team in the home you will be in together. If you’re able to get those sensitive to talk about problems, it will strangthen your bond as a couple and stabalize your marriage.
As for the snoring, I know theres ways to prevent or lessen the snoring, as well as ear pieces you can use for this meantime, until everything gets adjusted. I don’t think you should contemplate whether you’re having seconds thoughts or not, Unless there are other things going on that you havent mentioned, id work on these thigns wiht your FH and come up with a solution. Rememner, any relationship will have its problems/flaws. It’s jsut how you work with/around them.
These feeligns may be temporary since youa re in a high stress state anyway. Consider if these situations would be more amnageable if you werent already highly stressed with higher education, and these new changes. Would they be situations that you could get past? Good luck, bee!
Post # 4
For the snoring issue, I will admit that I am actually the snorer (very embarassed to share that… thank you genetics… but it is a thing my FH and I have been dealing with for the past four years). My FH has been wearing ear plugs and doesn’t mind it. He says that it is actually nice to have complete quiet and he has noticed improvement in his sleep. I absolutely believe that your lack of sleep is making this feel even more stressful then it already is. There are over-the-counter products (ear plugs, breathe-right strips) that can be bought to help with the snoring. A noise machine may help to cancel the sound (or at least make it sound more tolerable). Has he been to to the doctor to rule out any serious medical concerns (like sleep apnea)?
I can also relate to you completing your doctoral program. I graduated from my doctoral program two years ago, and it was nice to have some peace and quiet when working on my dissertation. That is another good bit of stress on your plate.
I’m guessing that you are feeling the frustration from the situation that you are in (and you didn’t ask to be put in), and not necessarily having doubt about your relationship. I’d guess that she is not happy about the situation either, and I imagine that it would feel really depressing to be out of work, trying to find jobs without much success. Things will get better, and I am hopeful that they will get better for you sooner rather than later. Would it help to change perspective and rather than look at what you don’t love about the situation right now, think about what is tolerable about the situation? Is she a good cook? Are there activities that the three of you can do outside of the home (like a trivia night)? Are there shows on Netflix that you can enjoy together? Is she helping with chores?
I’m hoping the situation resolves for you. I’d try and focus on what you can control in this situation, and the way you are thinking about it (which I realize is a lot easier said then done). A therapist might be helpful to have, to help manage all the stressors your experiencing (plus it is always nice to have someone who gives us 50-60 minutes of their undivided time) to come up with a plan. Good luck!
Post # 5
I think the lack of sleep is compounding the situation and making me extra crabby and emotional. I don’t have any issues with my fiance he is the most kind loving man I have ever met but I didn’t sign up for a long term roommate. I will talk to him about his sister she is not paying rent, she has no savings, unemployment ran out a while ago and she has had to cash out her 401k to make her everyday expenses. I know we cannot kick her out, I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me but I just hope it resolves soon before I crack 😶