Cold feet?

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
1968 posts
Buzzing bee

Ugh I’m sorry, bee.

So has your Fiance been covering his sister’s rent all this time? You say she’s been out of work for 10 months. Things happen, but it’s been almost a year she hasn’t been working- she needs to get a job, any job, so she can at least contribute something. Like waitressing or grocery cashier. It’s not right if she’s living there for free, taking up the living room every day, and I’d ask your Fiance to have a conversation with her.

You can’t just kick her out obviously, but she needs to get a job at the bare minimum. At least she’d be out of the house so you’d have some time to study


Post # 3
772 posts
Busy bee

Whoaaa lets take a deep deep breath. What you have explained, can be fixed. There are ways to go about these situations. Have a talk with your FH about Future Sister-In-Law. Tell him how you feel and wht needs to happen (In a  nice, respectful way). Get that cleared and it will be one of the ways you guys will work as a team in the home you will be in together. If you’re able to get those sensitive to talk about problems, it will strangthen your bond as a couple and stabalize your marriage.


As for the snoring, I know theres ways to prevent or lessen the snoring, as well as ear pieces you can use for this meantime, until everything gets adjusted. I don’t think you should contemplate whether you’re having seconds thoughts or not, Unless there are other things going on that you havent mentioned, id work on these thigns wiht your FH and come up with a solution. Rememner, any relationship will have its problems/flaws. It’s jsut how you work with/around them. 

These feeligns may be temporary since youa re in a high stress state anyway. Consider if these situations would be more amnageable if you werent already highly stressed with higher education, and these new changes. Would they be situations that you could get past? Good luck, bee! 

Post # 4
51 posts
Worker bee

For the snoring issue, I will admit that I am actually the snorer (very embarassed to share that… thank you genetics… but it is a thing my FH and I have been dealing with for the past four years). My FH has been wearing ear plugs and doesn’t mind it. He says that it is actually nice to have complete quiet and he has noticed improvement in his sleep. I absolutely believe that your lack of sleep is making this feel even more stressful then it already is. There are over-the-counter products (ear plugs, breathe-right strips) that can be bought to help with the snoring. A noise machine may help to cancel the sound (or at least make it sound more tolerable). Has he been to to the doctor to rule out any serious medical concerns (like sleep apnea)?

I can also relate to you completing your doctoral program. I graduated from my doctoral program two years ago, and it was nice to have some peace and quiet when working on my dissertation. That is another good bit of stress on your plate. 

I’m guessing that you are feeling the frustration from the situation that you are in (and you didn’t ask to be put in), and not necessarily having doubt about your relationship. I’d guess that she is not happy about the situation either, and I imagine that it would feel really depressing to be out of work, trying to find jobs without much success. Things will get better, and I am hopeful that they will get better for you sooner rather than later. Would it help to change perspective and rather than look at what you don’t love about the situation right now, think about what is tolerable about the situation? Is she a good cook? Are there activities that the three of you can do outside of the home (like a trivia night)? Are there shows on Netflix that you can enjoy together? Is she helping with chores?

I’m hoping the situation resolves for you. I’d try and focus on what you can control in this situation, and the way you are thinking about it (which I realize is a lot easier said then done). A therapist might be helpful to have, to help manage all the stressors your experiencing (plus it is always nice to have someone who gives us 50-60 minutes of their undivided time) to come up with a plan. Good luck!

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