Cold feet?

posted 6 months ago in Engagement
  • poll: Should i run away on the horse???

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 31
    Member
    432 posts
    Helper bee

    There is so much going on here, but I wanted to comment on the fact that he is not interested in your culture. As an immigrant myself, I know how completely horrible that can feel. Like a part of you is just going to die because your partner doesn’t appreciate or have any interest in it. And, as you said, you can’t be fully yourself or feel understood. Signing up for that for life would be devastating to me and it sounds like it may be for you too.

    Maybe you do not need to find a partner who is Serbian, but it is likely very important to find someone who wants to learn and know this part of you and makes it a natural part of the relationship. Being an immigrant or the child of immigrants who never fully assimilated can be very lonely. Your partner should make you feel at home.

    Post # 32
    Member
    146 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2021

    View original reply
    @birdiebeeee:  Your bulleted fears expresses your true feelings.  Do not confuse your feelings of love.  It’s okay to love and lose someone.  That’s life and it is expected.  Do be very afraid, I repeat, very afraid of spending your life with someone where all the odds are stacked against you.  The answer is there.  Leave this relationship.    You need to love yourself and be selfish now, and remember that self-care and self-happiness is not a bad form of selfishness.  It is your inner nature trying to protect you – do what’s best for you.  Be logical and re-read your bullet points.  You need to take back your life and not be a victime of other people’s will.  The answer is obvious.  Leave him.  You will love yourself for making that choice.  I promise.  You will find someone better.

    Post # 33
    Member
    277 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2019

    To me it sounds like you miss your family and celebrating your traditions with them very much. Have you thought about moving closer to home? When you talk about how this relationship would be improved by better in laws what I’m hearing is that you don’t have close friends, you have at best an ok relationship and you need and miss something you used to have. The way you describe this guy I really doubt he’s he’s the guy for you, but whats more important to me is how much it seems like you gave up a community you love that made you happy to get…what a job? a husband you’re not sure you want and a whole extended family that you don’t feel comfortable with?

    For me I love living far away from my family. I miss them of course, but I love the city I live in. I have friends here, a job I love, the trade offs are worth it for myself and my husband. But for a lot of people that trade off isn’t worth it and that’s ok. Its also ok to realize that as you get older- I’m at an age now where some people move closer to their parents when they have kids or their parents sometimes move to them. I sort of expect something like that to happen to us eventually.

    There’s a lot of things about your relationship that sound a bit unhealthy and I feel pretty strongly that you shouldn’t get married unless you’re really excited to marry that exact person exactly as they are. I also think sometimes people can’t get themselves out of relationships when they’re unhappy about other things- its like you’re stuck all over so it seems like changing things will make it worse.  Frankly I think a breakup might help you- without this guy and the in laws and all those things distracting you you might be able to look at your life and what would make you happy. I suspect it might include living closer to your family and finding someone who also has a close family relationship.

    Post # 34
    Member
    888 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    Aside from all the other issues (which are also valid!), please don’t marry someone who has a “stubborn spiteful side”. Spite is cruelty and a desire to hurt others. Anyone who is spiteful will not make a good husband or a good father. 

    Post # 35
    Member
    10705 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    I do so agree with pp above, plus l hate his liking it that you were ” raised to be a little housewife” . You sound so lonely and unhappy dear OP, like he is the best you can do and so you daren’t risk losing what you have. I think  all of us strangers think you can do better, so seriously consider either going to couples counselling ( though l’m  betting he’d rather extract his own teeth) or taking your courage in both hands and leaving .

    Post # 36
    Member
    309 posts
    Helper bee

    This man is not right for you! Do not marry him!!

    You seem to have this feeling that the only two choices for you are either your current partner or your Serbian ex, and because neither of them were right for you it seems like you have trouble imagining finding anything better. But there is definitely someone better out there for you than this guy! 

    As others have pointed out, whether Serbian or not, you need to find someone who at least respects, appreciates, and is interested in your culture. You also need to find someone you can communicate with, to whom you can express your emotional needs, and who you feel confident will have your back and support you when you need it. 

    You point out that he has some good qualities. The thing is, almost everyone has *some* good qualities. Anyone who has ONLY bad qualities is probably not someone you ever would’ve ended up in a relationship with in the first place, much less dated long enough to consider marrying. But you’re choosing a life partner for yourself! You’re literally picking the one person who you want to be your partner through the next 60+ years of your life. Do you really want to choose someone who has only *some* good qualities? For a decision that weighty, you should be carefully considering the combination of qualities that you need in a partner and then going out and finding that man. Just because you’ve dated this one for 6 years and there are a few things you like about him doesn’t mean he’s the person you should pledge to spend your life with. 

    I think you know this deep down, or you wouldn’t be posting here. But you’re scared to end it. Scared isn’t a good reason to get married, though. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    19 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I can not understand how you lasted so long with this guy after all that you mention. Sorry ladies you need to understand that you will never get those wasted years you lose with someone you have to force so much with in order for you to feel comfortable and your true self. Your true self changes by the way through the years so the dream as a child won’t stay the same but if they don’t  respect you let it go and find someone who does. Stop trying to force things and lose out on your true love. 

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