(Closed) Cold feet about wedding, need advice!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2281 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

What I’m going to say will sound harsh, but you asked for honesty, and I think you really need advice so I’m going to respect you by being honest.

I think you are very nearly on the verge of being mature enough to get married. I mean that. You clearly appreciate many things about this man and seem to understand that he’s special and you have a special relationship with him. That’s important and it means you’re able to see what matters. 

But the things that you’re clinging to that he can’t give you – nice, romantic vacations, having him all to yourself, the accoutrements of having money when there’s no one to spend it on but you, being someone’s first anything (I don’t even know why this is important) – are girlish idealizations of marriage that you need to be able to shed it you’re going to be ready to get married… to anyone. 

Marriage is a partnership with a person – as they are. Not as you wish they could be if certain realities were not there. He has an Ex. They have a son. That son is real and will need you to be a positive figure in his life. If you resent him he’ll know it and he’ll be hurt by it. 

If you can grow up a little bit more – just a little – and accept the man as he is, with the reality of his life, and can find a place in that life that lets you shine and grow and give and take and love, then marry him. If you can’t, please at least postpone the wedding so you can have more time. 

Post # 5
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I agree a lot with the first poster, except I DO understand you wanting to be the first wife and the first one to give your husband a child. I felt that way, too, but as I got later in life, I had to accept that men might have already experienced it. I’m lucky in the sense that my Fiance had only asked another woman to marry him, but a wedding never took place. 

I personally boiled and sulked for a long time about the fact that he’d actually  made up his mind and proposed to some other woman. but I had to put my big girl panties on and accept it. I saw my brother go through it. He proposed and tried with some chick, but she was crazy and he wound up having to get away from her. He proposed and married someone else recently. He’s a very good man and him trying to make it work with the other chick doesn’t mean that he doesn’t deserve a new bride and wife. So I applied that to my Fiance and basically grew up and shed my fantasies. 

If you read the breakup threads and all the emotional stories of brides and wives who are going through divorce or breakups before the altar, you will come to understand how a man can wind up divorced and doing it all over again. It will be fresh and new for him because it’s with you, and he has put the past behind him and decided to reach out again in love.

People make decisions based on what they know at the time; however, marriage should be for better or worse and for richer or poorer. While I understand what you are feeling, I’m advising you to see this as the test of your vows. The other poster is completely right about the stepson, and really, he must be put first. He’s the innocent in all this who did not ask to come here and exist in a broken home. He needs everyone to step up for him and help him become a well adjusted man.

If you truly love this man, then please find a way to create a viable, loving relationship with his son. I personally stopped dating a man because he joked that he’d kick my dog if my dog bit him. While I know the dog shouldn’t (and probably wouldn’t do that,) a comment like that let me know how he felt about my dogs and I was done. So I can imagine how your Fiance might feel if he knew you resented his son. I rarely trust anyone–even the vet–with my babies, so it says a lot that this man is trusting you with his son. 

Your feelings are not wrong. They are just signals that something needs to change. Maybe you need to change and work with your situation. Maybe you need to end the situation because it’s not for you. But don’t feel bad about your feelings. Just see them as road signs that you need to slow down, speed up, make a turn, etc.

As far as gifts and trips and all this, that’s a little bit of a fantasy, and you shouldn’t go into a marriage with these type of expectations. You should go into a marriage thinking of what the “wost” thing is that can happen, and if you can still hold it together with him. If you can, then marry him. If this is a deal breaker, do not marry him. 

Stop looking at the son as an obstacle or someone that’s stealing attention and time, and look at him as a bonus. More love, a little mini-FI that’s probably so cute. Think of how much of a help and partner you can be if you can help your dear Fiance raise this boy that probably means everything in the world to Fiance. This son is more precious than diamonds. See this son as a gift. His love is so innocent and pure and you have a chance here to shape a life. It’s tear-jerking, really. And to imagine, your Fiance is willingly sharing that with you.

People adopt all the time, so I’m sure that given the chance, you can learn to love this boy as you own, just like adoptive parents do. But don’t see him as a left over mess from a divorce that never should have happened because your Fiance should never have married anyone but you. The fact is, he did, and he’s still a marvelous man who you were lucky enough to stumble upon after the other chick blew it.

I can’t lie. I would have a hard time with this, too, but for me, loving the man and his child would be inseparable. So I probably would not have gotten involved with him if I felt I couldn’t love that child and have that child as my own. 

Post # 6
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Have you thought about some counseling? Maybe talking things thru with someone would help.

Post # 7
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think that if you truly love your Fiance and want him to be happy (and it sounds as if you do), then you shouldn’t marry him. He sounds like a good man and I think it would break his heart if you were never able to love his child as your own. I suspect that as the years passed he would feel that he had wronged his son by choosing you and would come to regret marrying you.

You seem very sweet and self-aware and I have no doubt that, in time, you’ll find someone whose circumstances are more similar to your own and to whom you’re better suited. I don’t fault you for wanting to take trips and be romantic with your husband without a small child in the way. It’s perfectly understandable that you would want some fun, carefree years together before embarking on the immense responsibility of child-rearing. But no matter how much your love your Fiance, if you resent him for these experiences you’ll never get to have together, and he comes to blame himself for choosing you to be his son’s stepmother, I fear you’re both headed for unbearable heartache.

If you do end up deciding to go through with it, I hope that you’ll talk to a counsellor and do some reading about how to be the best stepmother possible to that little boy. Only you know whether or not your love for your Fiance is stronger than the doubts and resentment you’re feeling, but if it is, then you have to try to find a way to love his child as he would wish. I wish you all the best of luck in making your decision.

Post # 8
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t think your feelings surfaced until his son came to live with you. I respect your honesty about how you feel and I’m sure it was hard to write. Truthfully, I think you should postpone the wedding. You shouldn’t go through with marriage until you’re 100% sure. I agree with previous posters that counseling would help.

Accepting a man who’s been married before and has a child/children had had those “firsts” with someone else. While these are milestones in a persons life there are many, many “firsts” both you and he has had with someone else. You’ve both been places, seen things, had experiences before. How about sex? I know he has, what about you? Maybe you’d be happier with a man who hasn’t been married, engaged or has children. That way you can have all the firsts.

Post # 9
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I mean this is the nicest way possible… you are too selfish to be a step mom. It is unfair to you, your Fiance and your Stepson for you to continue in this marriage. What you want he cant give you. I think you need to be honest with your FH and tell him how you feel so he can make a choice regarding if he wants to be married to you or not.

I’m sorry your going through this. I’m sure you are an amazing person and will make and awesome mommy one day but this guy and this situation are not for you.

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

You’re marrying the kid too.  If you can’t accept that you should either work on yourself  until you can or move on.  Also, you could take the kid with you on your vacation since you’re going to be a family now.  If you’re not ready for this family life, then you shouldn’t get married, or you should find someone that doesn’t have (or want) a family right now.  

When you get married you are saying goodbye to single life forever.  I had some feelings of sadness about this, but being with Darling Husband forever far outweighs anything I had when I was single.  It’s okay to grieve the loss of your single life, but make sure you’re willing to give it up before you’re married.

Post # 11
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

If you resent his son, it’ll show through in your actions, and how you treat his son. If you are serious about this man, get counselling about this issue before marrying him.

Post # 12
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@mrssrm well said. +1

Post # 13
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee

You really MUST grow up and be ready to be a mom if you’re going to marry him. Your fiancé sounds like an amazing guy, but you have to accept that he has a child and that the child will always be in your life and NEEDS you. I am in a very similar situation. My fiancé has a four year old daughter, but was never married to her mom. Her mom lives across the country and hasn’t seen her in two and a half years. 

The main difference is that I accept her as my OWN child. She calls me mom and I would never love my biological children more than her. You are essentially adopting this child and you won’t be his biological mom, but you are the mom figure around him all the time and he deserves you to be the best step mom you can be. It’s going to take a lot of growing up that isn’t necssarily fair to you, but it’s what the situation requires if you’re going to have a healthy family. I fell in love with my stepdaughter as much as I fell in love with my fiancé, if not more. It takes giving up a LOT of your freedom. My fiancé and I go out together maybe once a week, and that’s because our daughter has a lot of support and grandparents she spends the night with occasionally. 

It’s a sacrifice, but knowing that she needs me makes it all worth it. Instead of sitting around doing what I want today, I’m staying with her while she’s sick and trying to teach her how to blow her nose. We’re currently cuddling in bed watching TV and youtube videos. And I wouldn’t trade it for a thing. 

I’m 21 and I could be out with my friends on the river. I could be going out every night and dating a guy who can buy me jewelry and take me on vacations. But I would rather be a mom. Hearing her tell me that I’m “the best mommy ever” is so much better than any jewelry or fancy dinner. If you aren’t 100% sure you’re willing to make that sacrifice, don’t. It’s a lifelong commitment.

How to keep a sick four year old laughing:

Post # 15
Member
732 posts
Busy bee

@mrssrm:  I completely, wholeheartedly 100% agree with everything you said.

Post # 16
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@rebeccaLTT:  I agree with SOME of the sentences on this post.  Yet, I am going to tell you that I relate to you and your feelings.  Folks feel that you are immature or a monster and even better – YOU should feel soooo lucky to have someone to just love you!? 

I don’t have kids and have dated plenty of men that have.  You moved in with him not realizing that you are going to end up with “Cutie’Pie” full time.  You sound like you are rolling with the punches. I know that things are a bigger sacrifice on your end because you didn’t come to the relationship with anyone except yourself.  That sounds selfish but in this world people will view your thoughts just as that.  You have a right to feel uncomfortable with step-motherhood. That is HUGE for someone that has no kids, their finances go into another bucket, and you have more freedom to do other things.   The kid can be great but if you aren’t feeling it, you just aren’t.  Of course, you want some romantic getaways…Who DOESN’T.  You aren’t wrong for expressing these thoughts or feelings. 

Eventually, you gotta take make a call on this and it will be tough.  He may not understand but there are many folks that are “like-minded” in the things you want to do and feel. 

He may be a great guy but just not your great guy.

 

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