Cold feet? Legit concerns? LONG.

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I don’t think it’s serious. Try to find things to do with one another and leave the ex thing alone for now. It’s nothing to call off a wedding over. 

Post # 3
Member
6909 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

It’s hard to say. I would really struggle to be with someone who wasn’t good at communicating. Shutting down when you’re angry isn’t much better than being overly angry. Neither are healthy or conductive to a functional relationship.

And while it’s good to have a life outside your relationship, it’s also nice to share your life with someone who shares your passions and interests. I’d be disappointed if there were some things my husband had no interest in because while I can do them by myself or with friends I want to share them with him.

Finally, I think listening to your gut is a good thing. If you aren’t feeling confident about being married, view calling it off as being “free” I wouldn’t just shove those feelings down. Ignoring the way you feel before marriage is how you end up divorced saying “I had a feeling before the wedding, I should have called it off then”

Really only you can answer this question though. 

Post # 4
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2004

anonybee321123 :  It doesnt necessarily sound insurmountable but it does sound like more than cold feet.  At the very least I’d talk to him about premarital counseling.  If he refuses I’d think about at least postponing.

I’m not sure what to think of the stuff with his ex, the lack of intimacy and inability to communicate are the bigger concerns IMO. Stuff happens in life, I can’t imagine how you get through it if you can’t talk to your spouse.  

Post # 5
Member
5738 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

Listen to your gut.

Post # 6
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

Has he ever shared the details with you of how/why they broke up?  Sometimes that can give you a lot of insight.  We carry around a lot of baggage from past relationships, especially long ones.  

Post # 7
Member
386 posts
Helper bee

anonybee321123 : 

Regarding the lack of shared hobbies–to me not a big deal.  I share a couple mutual interests with my husband, but otherwise we’re happy to have our own hobbies/passions.  We generally travel together, but a separate trip occasionally isn’t a big deal. 

It would absolutely bother me if my husband had to be convinced to rid of an ex’s belongings and acted really strange anytime her name came up.  She didn’t call you on accident and his overreaction makes the whole situation seems suspicious.

 The lack of a sex life would be a deal breaker for me everything else aside.  3 times in 4 months isn’t healthy and certainly isn’t something I could commit to for a lifetime.

Post # 8
Member
3473 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t know, this sounds like more than just cold feet to me. You don’t sound like you are ready to commit to a venue today and that you guys need to do some talking before getting married.

Post # 9
Member
9177 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

This bad of a sex life BEFORE you even get married is a huge red flag.  Add the other stuff to it, and I think you’d be smart to at least postpone the wedding until you figure this all out.  Getting divorced when you realize that you never truly wanted to be married to him will be way worse than postponing.

Post # 10
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Have you guys thought about couples counseling?

Post # 12
Member
524 posts
Busy bee

First, the temporary embarassment of postponing or cancelling a wedding will fade. It’s better than divorce IMO.

Any one of the issues you’ve described seem like something you can work on, individually. You can work on your sexual chemistry. You can deal with the ex’s belongings. But all of it together, it just seems like overall incompatibility and baggage.

Most worrisome to me is his tendency to shut down and yell at you when something sensitive is brought up. IMO you can’t judge a person by how they are when things are smooth sailing. But you’re going to be sharing the rest of your life with someone, and there are going to be bad times. If he seriously lacks communication skills to that level, that is a huge problem. You can’t go through every conflict carrying the burden of being the adult.

You need to learn to talk through difficult topics together. The stuff with his ex is weird, but not being able to talk about it at all is a bigger, broad issue that will only bite you later if you continue on as-is.

I would postpone the wedding and go for counseling, because a third party will be able to help you both pick apart these issues. And if he won’t go to counseling, then it’s once again shifting all the burden of being the responsible adult, and salvaging the relationship, on to you. You don’t have to put up with that, if you don’t want to.

Post # 13
Member
692 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think you should marry someone who you’re not excited to marry. It’s not fair to either of you. The only real reason it sounds like you don’t want to break up is for logistical reasons & to save face. Those aren’t good reasons to commit your life to someone. You may love him, but you don’t sound in love or attracted to him, and I think you’d be better off single. 

Post # 14
Member
1054 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Bee, don’t marry him out of some obligation you feel because you’ll lose money, your family will lose money, etc. I postponed and the cancelled my previous wedding. It was embarrassing, but thank goodness everyone was supportive and agreed it was better than the pain and misery of a divorce. I think people will understand. And hey-why can’t your family still come to visit you? There just won’t be a wedding. Plan something fun with them! (It might help to get your mind off things, too).

Post # 15
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Only you know if the ex thing is a big issue to you. Personally, if I was in your situation I would go to therapy or religious counseling together and move toward with the wedding. 

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