Post # 1
I just want to start by saying that I am mainly posting this on here for 2 reasons. 1. Because this is something I havent wanted to admit to myself let alone expressing and venting to someone like my sibling. 2. I need to get it off my chest. I am hoping commenters read this and refrain from making judgements about my character and simply consider all aspects of the situation for what it is and give me an unbiased opinion.
A little background. I have been with my fiance for 9 years. He proposed to me almost 1 year ago and we will be getting married in 4 months. He is a pretty incredible human being. Understanding, compassionate, loving, fun and humorous and though I love this man so much I have been having doubts about moving forward with our relationship. Since we have gotten engaged I have found myself becoming easily annoyed and irritated by some of the things he does. Like how lazy he is, or the fact that having a serious conversation with him is so difficult because hes such a goofy guy and feels the need to make little jokes (nothing too serious, just gets annoying) and the most frustrating thing is our sex drives are very different (he needs it less than I do and it kind of sucks). Now, I don’t know if I’m focusing on the negative, or im stressed out about wedding planning which I know I am and possibly could be taking it out on him. Plus I have been working 50-65 hour weeks so I dont think this is helping.
Recently, I had a bank appointment to make some changes to my account. The financial Advisor who met with me was a male 4 years older than me. We sat down and began talking about my finances. He asked my age and indirectly asked me if I was in a relationship, to which I replied that I was engaged. As the meeting continued I felt there was this mutual attraction to eachother, and not necessarily physically either (we are both, in my opinion, average). I had opened my wallet and pulled out my bank cards and he pointed out the obituary that I keep in the clear plastic pocket. I admitted that I was a little embarassed that he had seen it. He went on to tell me not to be embarassed that he has one too, of his mom in his wallet and that he just never seen someone else with the same idea. I mentioned that my obituary is of my mother as well. Throughout the meeting we exchanged short gazes that I naturally pulled and looked away from since I am in a relationship. He gave me his work email and offered me his help through a financial issue we had discovered I had through this meeting. Its been a few days now and I have spent some time thinking of him for short periods of time everyday since. I feel drawn to him for some reason. I think because we both lost our mothers and it visibly effects both of us, it made me feel our commonalities made me feel this way. But from the moment that meeting began I felt something with this complete stranger.
I do want to say, I know this isn’t fair to my fiance. In a way it feel like Im kind of emotionally cheating on him. And I know that the beginning of a new relationship is always super exciting and fresh so I don’t compare my realationship with my fiance with the idea of a relationship with my financial advisor.
Im just genuinely confused. What is this I am feeling? Cold feet? Should I call off the wedding? Is my relationship with my fiance just stuck in a rut and im seeking excitement from somewhere else?
Has this happened to anyone else?
Post # 2
peachnlello : To me it sounds like something that needs a lot of introspection on your part. I can’t say as to if this is only cold feet, but there’s a few things that stand out to me…
You’re getting annoyed by him. His habits, his “laziness” (can you expand on that?), him being a jokester when you want to be serious. I mean, everyone’s partner will bother them at one point or another, but this sounds like an every day thing, and that’s not ok.
Your differing sex drive. Now, I have a different level of sex drive than my husband too…but it sounds like you are realizing that you are signing up for a lifetime of this. Don’t ignore that feeling.
The banker. Now, I don’t think this particular interaction means you want to cheat on your fiance, but to me it’s really strange that you were feeling so attracted to him during this meeting. You do not know this guy, you are there to work on your finances. Strictly business. You describe the interaction like a teenager in puppy love. Feeling “drawn” to him…that isn’t appropriate because of the relationship and also because he is there to work for you. To me that tells me that there is something wrong with your current relationship.
You need to have a deep and thorough conversation with your fiance. You being together for 9 years makes me wonder if he has been the guy you’ve been with your entire adult life. That can sometimes cause issues to be pushed aside because of longevity of the relationship and still loving him.
I know this answer isn’t helpful because I’m not saying break up and I’m not saying keep the wedding date…but do some serious thinking, on your own, about your relationship, and see where that leads you. Then have a serious talk with him.
Post # 3
After 2 years, is when the “head over heels” love feeling drifts away. You have been together for 9 years, so you are obviously past that stage.
How is your communication? In my opinion, that is the most important factor of a relationship. My husband is a jokester as well, so I understand when you say you get annoyed – but is this your reaction always, or are you still able to laugh too and join in? When I get annoyed, I find for the most part, it is mostly around my time of month lol, so I just try to take a breather… but I also make sure to communicate with him that I am not in the mood. Especially of you really are trying to have a serious conversation.
Have you looked into some relationship counselling, or pre-marital?
Post # 4
I don’t actually think what you have discribed with the banker is something that is really “wrong.” I believe you will be attracted to different people throughout your life. It just happens. How you react to it is what counts. It sounds like you’ve done everything to avoid anything bad from happening, but now you you’re just stuck thinking “what if.”
Is this a new thing with your Fiance that you’re experiencing? Suddenly finding more flaws in him? It sounds a bit like cold feet, or just the realization that “oh shit. I’m going to be with this forever.” I think thats probably a normal feeling.
Can you imagine yourself without your FI? How does the idea of splitting up sound to you?
Post # 5
That’s so hard to say based on what you have written. How old are you and your FI? It’s natural to have doubts. It’s just hard to tell if these are serious doubts. What do you mean that he is lazy? Does he not do his share, is he just more laid back than you? Your attraction to this financial advisor doesn’t mean much on its own. Have you had other relationships besides the one with your SO? When you first meet someone, it can be exciting. That’s not the same as building a life with someone. It makes me wonder if you are young and inexperienced. If you are having serious doubts, then you shouldn’t do it. You could try Googling “cold feet” some and see if it describes you. I found some websites prior to my wedding that compared “cold feet” with “red flags.”
Post # 6
I just wanted to add that bank financial advisors usually seem quite *friendly* and charming, man or woman. And they tend to ask personal questions because they try to figure out what banking service they can pitch towards you based on your lifestyle. They’re just another form of salespeople.
With that said, there may be many more people in the future that you will find yourself attracted to. I think this may well just be cold feet since you’re so close to making a huge change in your life.
But will you be willing to throw away a good relationship whenever you find a charming stranger? If there is nothing else wrong with your current relationship, I think you should consider this encounter as just a fantasy. That banker is probably chatting up another client as we speak. 🙂
Post # 7
slothbear : Exactly this. I worked for a bank for a while and we were trained to do this. A LOT of people mistook it for flirting.
But besides that- I’m drawn to people on a daily basis and I catch my fiance looking at girls all the time. It’s natural. We do co-ed yoga, so it’s really hard to not notice that super toned, shirtless guy next to you with the nice hair. Lol! It’s ok to look, and it’s even ok to have fantasies. But that’s where it should end. Would you consider dating this FA? Because if you would, that tells me more about your current relationship than the FA. Like slothbear said, it’s his job to be charming. If you’re actually interested in him, you need to end it with your Fiance (and probably do some soul searching before you enter another relationship).
Post # 8
If you’re considering calling off your wedding over a littl flutter you had, your fiancé probably deserves better. What happens when you’re actually married and have a conversation with the bag boy at the grocery store? Or the gap clothing folder? Gonna feel this flutter for anyone who’s not your husband and want to ‘have a connection’ with them?
Post # 9
I think the spark in your relationahip is gone, and you’re looking for that feeling of excitement and butterflies again anywhere you can find it. If you can’t find it in your relationship anymore, you should not get married. Have you talked about the joking/laziness with your partner?
Post # 10
I don’t think you’re actually into this banker guy, I think he represents a tantalizing “what if I chose this different path”.
Youve been together 9 years, you’re practically married already. Most people at 9 years have had kids and the romance has worn off and it’s just cohabitation… and then maybe they find the spark again and maybe they don’t and maybe they get a divorce. If the wedding planning doesn’t reignite the spark it might be a sign that things should end.
As far as everything he does annoying you- was this always the case or are you just feeling annoyed in general and those are easy targets? My mom and dad are two totally different people and every time I look at them I’m like “what even made you want to get married in the first place?” They’re much happier now living separate lives. But I also know that sometimes I get annoyed with my Fiance over little things when there’s really a much different problem causing those feelings.
Post # 11
Sounds like cold feet to me. Maybe you should talk to your fiance or a third party (therapist) about your fears and anxiety before doing something you will regret. After nine years you probably have something pretty special.
Post # 12
You literally don’t know bank guy. He could be a serial killer in his spare time! Keeping his mothers obituary in his wallet and looking at you isn’t a good enough reason in my eyes to break off what seems like a fairly good relationship.
You’re going to be annoyed by people in life, especially when you’re over working yourself while trying to plan a wedding. Thems are just the shakes. I don’t know if I would call off an entire wedding and relationship just because occasionally your Fiance annoys you by making jokes and you met a guy in the bank with the same habit as you.
The issues with your Fiance are something that can be worked on if you’re willing to put the work in. If you aren’t willing to put the work in then maybe you shouldn’t be with anyone at all.
Post # 13
I think you need to water the grass. The grass is not greener on the other side. Start a gratitude journal about things you like about him. Plan some spontenous dates. I do not think you should give up your relationship based on flirting from another guy. The real world of dating seems fun but it is not. Trust me!
Post # 14
peachnlello : At one time or another I have met with several financial advisors. Every one of them did exactly what you describe above – they attempt to make a personal connection with a prospective client. In many cases their pay level and bonuses depend on them being able to talk you into something you might not otherwise do (financially).
I doubt your Fiance has changed since the engagement – you are just noticing things now that the relationship is permanent. I’d call that normal. Big hugs to you, sweetie, and as others have said, water your own grass. It isn’t greener elsewhere.
Post # 15
I agree with the Bees that are saying to water your own grass. After nine years together SO’s can get pretty annoying sometimes. My Darling Husband proposed a year ago today just after our 8 year anniversary. We’ve been together for 9 years now. After that long, anyone can become annoying. They happen to have a lovely way of knowing exactly how to push your buttons/every little thing is going to bother you at some point in time. Right now I’m terribly annoyed at my husband’s incredibly loud yawns that he does. Like seriously? You can yawn any quieter?
You need to have a rekindling for your love. It’s not the end of the road just because someone else gave you the fluttery feelings. Put some time into dating your Fiance again and try to remember that the small stuff doesn’t matter in a wedding anyway. All that matters is you get to marry you best friend.