(Closed) Cold feet or call off the wedding? (panicking!)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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zoeylady:  spirituality can be a big deal in a relationship, esp if it’s the cornerstone of your being. The question is do you want to do your spiritual practices with a partner more than you want to be with this man? 

Figure out if this is a dream facade or something without which you won’t be happy. 

Post # 3
Member
2430 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

I’m going to call this one cold feet. As you said in your post, you’ll NEVER find somebody who can fulfill all of your needs, nor should you because it’s just not healthy. So you have to ask yourself, what’s easier to find a partner who can offer you love and commitment and friends who can meet your spiritual and travel needs, or the other way around?

Post # 4
Member
845 posts
Busy bee

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zoeylady:  I actually think you two balanceeach other out, you are similar where it counts but are different in a way to bring balance and harmony in your relationship. I think you nailed it when you said that your relationships with people A LOT like you fizzled out, sometimes being too similar to one another is a repationship.killer. Take me and my Fiance, we’re both quiet, goofy people who keeps to ourselves. However I’m a hyper planner while my Fiance likes to go with the flow, he cares more about hard facts while I like abstract thinking and creative ideas. If I was with another hyper planner we would irrate each other and probably woyldn’t last long in the relationship. We are also well balanced in the planning part, he takes care of investments and all those boring things while I plan events and come up.with creative solutions. Now sometimes I wished my Fiance planned more, so it would take the load off of me, and that does annoy me at times, but I prefer this than being with another intense planner. Been there, done that. No thank you.

Post # 5
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Is he interested in Buddhism and meditation, and if not, does he at least respect them and value your interest in these things?

I am Catholic and my fiance is not, but he is Christian and he agreed to attend Catholic masses with me. This is a very big deal to me, and I don’t even consider myself THAT religious. By the sounds of it, my religious beliefs are less important to me than Buddhism and meditation are to you, so I can see this potentially being a problem for you.

The other thing to consider would be children, if you are interested in having children. If so, have you discussed how you will raise them? 

There are a lot of things that my fiance is into that I am not, and vice versa. But ultimately we find that we suit each other well and have the same core values. However, with that being said, religion and children are two things neither of us are willing to bend on. (for example if I decided not to have children, he would no longer want to be with me, and if he decided he didn’t want to attend mass with me or raise our children catholic, that would be a big issue for me). 

I think it’s fine to have different interests. Where it could become an issue is when it’s not just about interests but about lifestyle. 

Post # 6
Member
254 posts
Helper bee

Firstly I just want to say thank-you so much for your honesty, that sounds like a really hard place to be in. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your Fiance and so awesome that you are both sharing honestly with each other. I just want to share something that my Mum once said to me and I found it to be great advice- ‘Never marry someone if you think there could be someone better out there for you.’ It took me a while to find my wonderful husband (met him at 31) and I just couldn’t imagine there being anyone out there for me better than him, and he was so worth waiting for. People have different opinions about what differences are a big deal and those that are not. I have quite a few friends who love traveling and their spouses do not, but they still make it work. However to be completely honest with you, I do think major differences in spirituality are a big deal. It is easy to say ‘He believes this and I believe that and we both respect each other and it is fine.’ It might be fine now, but where I have seen couples come undone is when the storms of life come (and they will) and differences in spiritual beliefs can really make it difficult to get through major challenges when your fundamental beliefs about life and meaning are so different. Also I have seen couples struggling when children come along and clashes about what spiritual influences to expose the children to occur. Keep talking to each other and seeking wise advice and I would even strongly recommend individual counseling to help you process this.  My Mum also says that ,’Who you marry is the biggest decision you will ever make,’ so good on you for being so thoughtful about this decision. Although it must be so difficult now, it is better to be working through all this now so that you can enter into marriage truly believing you have made the ‘right’ decision for your future, for your partner’s future and for the future of your family. 

Post # 7
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2017

It seems like part of this is typical cold feet and getting used to a long term relationship vs. short, passionate relationships. The other part is a question that’s nagged at me in the past too – should I be looking for someone with all (or at least most) interests/practices/beliefs in common with me? I broke up with an ex partially because he hated traveling, exploring new things, etc. He was the sweetest guy, but he had ordered the same sandwich at the same deli for the past 4 years and wouldn’t dream of trying a new one. At the end of the day, we weren’t a good match. You have to know what needs are essential for you to be happy. 

To get some perspective, I suggest that you think about successful relationship “role models.” This has helped me see that there are great relationships with complementary (yet very different) partners. For example, I look at my aunt and uncle, who have a wonderful relationship and are best friends, but their interests could not be more different. However, they have similar values and were 100% committed to family and willing to compromise. There isn’t an easy answer, but I wish you the best. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
3214 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I can’t tell you the right answer for you, but I’ll share my experience in case it helps. I also pictured a partner who would be both my best friend and my activities-buddy. Well, turns out the person I found who is my best friend, my absolute rock with everything life has thrown at me, has zero interest in hiking and outdoorsy stuff that I do, is a carnivore while I’m a vegetarian, doesn’t drink alcohol (I do), and is a strong introvert where I’m a pretty strong extrovert. Meanwhile he’s a huge baseball fan (I literally could not care less about sports) and loves totally different music than I do.

ETA: I also had always hoped that my partner’s family would be the siblings/extended family I never had. Turns out that while his family are lovely people, he is not close to them, and we have very little in common. They are never going to be the people I’m totally at ease with and want to spend every weekend with, like I had fantasized. It took me a little while, honestly, to adjust my vision of lifelong bliss.

But we share the same bedrock moral and political values, which was essential to me, and he is the most loving, most supportive husband I ever could have imagined. We communicate extremely well and help each other through difficult times. The other key is that he’s totally supportive of me doing the things I love without him – hiking wtih friends, going to parties or dinner with friends when he’d rather stay home and read, etc.; I’m fine with him doing his own thing rather than always accompanying me when I’m socializing; and we both occasionally do things for the other person that we wouldn’t otherwise choose to do.

We’ve lived together for 10 years, married for 4. There’s no one else I can imagine being with.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by mightywombat.
Post # 9
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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zoeylady:  Focus on values, character, life goals and attraction, not interests. No one can be your everything – that’s what friendships are for. At the end of the day, do you trust him, have fun, feel loved and attracted to him? If you can’t say yes to any of those questions, I’d definitely start soul searching. 

When I was 26 and about to call off wedding #1, I let everyone convince me that it was cold feet. Two years and $20k later, I was divorced. Listen to yourself and no one else. 

Post # 10
Member
632 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Don’t buy into the destructive myth that your partner needs to be everything to you—spouse, lover, financial partner, confidante, cheerleader, best friend therapist, etc., etc., and still give you butterflies every time you gaze into each other’s ryes for the rest of eternity. That way, madness lies. It sounds like you two have great communication and when you shared your concerns, his immediate response was to figure out how you two can continue growing together. Sounds like a great partnership to me.

Post # 11
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

My husband is very spiritual and while i admire him and he’s really helped me to be more deep, im more practical, that’s how im wired. He doesnt like going out much and doesnt feel the need to travel to other countries while i would really love that.

Im going to tell you this, the spiritual path is one to travel by yourself, even if you’re with someone as spiritual as you, each one has their own path.

I think i feel like those two things (spirituality and wanderlust) are important, but do they outweight the rest of your relationship?

Post # 12
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I only read the first part where you discuss your relationship and how he treats you and how you feel about him. You’re exactly where you need to be.

Post # 13
Member
5 posts
Newbee

I’m curious what you decided to do? 

 

Tara 🙂

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