(Closed) Cold feet or real reasons?

posted 13 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

Wow sweetie!! I am sorry to hear you  have had so many issues. But, you are not alone. Here is some background to my story. I met my husband in 2001 (we were Juniors in high school) we have NEVER broken up since. Yes, we have had fights but, we have stayed together never cheated on each other and always worked things out. So after about 4 1/2 years of dating (we were both in College) he was living with a college buddy. Of course I was not around as much because I was living a few miles away. So, about this same time. I received an email from a girl who had been at the house frequently for parties and what not and it was a forwarded message from my husband to her (at this time we were just boyfriend and girlfriend) it was a very descriptive email and saying that he missed her and what not. So I confronted him and he did the same cried, told me it meant nothing, swore to me nothing happened. I believed him but still was not over it. I told him he was going to lose me if he did not cut it out and put me first and stop the emails. I told him he is not single and after 4 1/2 years we had to be serious but that he was going to have to prove to me he was. So he changed and we moved on…or so he did. We got engaged at 5 years and were happy ever since. It was not until about a year out from the wedding that I started with the concern about that situation again and we had another long talk and he told me again that nothing happened he is committed to me and nothing will ever happen. And he has shown through many actions and alot of words that he is sincere and true. It did take me about 1 1/2 -2 years to get over it and for us to get our relationship into a stronger one. I did not call off the wedding or postpone it. We did not move in with each other until 2 weeks before the wedding and everything has been great since.

I think you really need to have another sit down conversation and voice your doubts you have to be open and honest right away and before the wedding or you will have more issues after the wedding. If you never broke up because of this it is a sign that you still love and that he still loves you and that you want to make this work. It takes time you need to understand that. It took me time ALOT of time but, it helped with actions my husband showed me. Also moving in with someone is huge there are things you will still find out about him that surprise you or make you upset. It is an issue somedays with us but, I still know that I love hime and no matter what we will work it out and be strong for each other. I think you need to talk to you fiance. Reevaluate his actions after you found the site he was on and see if it really is the change you wanted. You obviously have a reason for staying around (not only because of the wedding your dad is paying for and the family coming) you still love him and want to trust him. It is perfectly natural to have doubts especially after this situation but, if you really love him and you know he loves you it will all work out with alot of communication and time. There are alot of changes going on now and will after you get married. The other option would be to talk to someone (pastor, counselor etc.) They are there to help and it is not bad that you are asking for it for your relationship many people need that, we are not all equipped with the right answers to make it better. I hope everything turns out the way you want it to. Hang in there.

Post # 4
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

I am not sure that postponing the wedding would solve your "problem" as it seems that your fiance has a job that requires him to travel a lot. 

I can relate to your fiance on this one, as I travel for work for more than 2 weeks out of a month.  After our wedding in February, I am slated to work out of state for 4 months.  While obviously this is not the most ideal situation for newly weds, it is something that can not be changed.  Luckily my fiance is very understanding and he realizes that I love my job (more so we consider ourselves blessed to even be employed at this time). Similarly we have a very trusting relationship, so while we know it’ll be a tough time,  we also know we will make it through it.

Your sitution is yours alone, so you and your fiance will be the ones to make the decision as to what is right for you both.  Obviously finances play a stressing role they should not make you decide one way or another. 

Best of luck to you!

Post # 5
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

If you are going to marry this man, you have to trust him to do the right thing without you being there to supervise. If things are great only when you can be there to be certain that he’s not talking to other girls, then you don’t really trust him. If the only thing making you nervous is the upcoming business trip, then I doubt your fears are anything but the resurfacing of old doubts in familiar circumstances, which is natural. But the problem is one of trust, not that his business trips give him opportunities to talk to other girls—if someone is going to be unfaithful, they don’t need business trips to do it. Either he has given you reason to believe, through his behaviors, that he really has changed, or he hasn’t. Actions speak louder than words. What are his saying? More to the point, what are yours saying? That will tell you what you should do. 

Post # 6
3793 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Regarding your doubts and postponement… If you have these feelings now, do you think having the added stress of a marriage is going to help?  Do you think your doubts will just go away?

I had a friend who had creeping doubts long before her wedding, but because the wheels were already in motion she didn’t feel like she could give herself time to figure things out by postponing.  Instead what she got was a big fat expensive divorce less than a year after getting married… all because she was scared of the consequences of postponing or cancelling.

You might be saving yourself a lot of heartache by giving yourself some time to think.  I would also recommend some joint counseling, and if your fiance refuses at least do some individual counseling.

Post # 7
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

If it were me, I would consider pre-marital counseling.  The longer issues are left to "work themselves out" and don’t, the longer and larger they will become in your relationship.  There are many ways to go about this, either through a religious institution or through a licensed family counselor.  It really does help having someone moderate your discussions together.

Only you can decide whether or not to put the brakes on, in the meantime, having someone guide the two of you through some of the issues could help greatly.

Best of luck and take care.

Post # 8
1485 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

First of all, I’m so sorry that you’re having this problem.  I have actually been in a similar situation, and there’s no easy way out of a situation where you basically have lost trust in someone.  When you found out that your Fiance was actively looking for another relationship using an internet dating site, it obviously made you think twice about your relationship.  I think that the problem you have now is that you still don’t trust him.  I also think that if you don’t trust him, you really shouldn’t marry him, at least not right now.

Whether you should trust him or not is something that only you can figure out.  It sounds like you have done a lot of work on your relationship, and that’s a good thing.  But for all the work you’ve done, you still don’t trust him, and it sounds like that’s why things are still rocky. He did make a big mistake – starting another relationship, and hiding it from you, is a huge breach of trust whether or not he got around to sleeping with another woman.  Counseling can certainly help you decide whether the problem is your insecurity, his lack of trustworthiness, or maybe both. 

But I do think you have a real issue, not just cold feet, and I think that you should work it out before getting married.  Because getting married is not going to solve any problems for you.  If he really is the kind of guy who is going to be out trolling around for another woman, having a ring on his finger isn’t going to stop him.  And you’ll be left at home with the cats and the dog, losing sleep about what he is doing when he’s not around.  Before you make the commitment, you should be confident that he can (and will) be faithful.

Post # 9
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree with those who suggested pre-marital counseling. It sounds like you could use some help working through these issues before you can truly feel good about making this committment, and sometimes just having an impartial person there to help you talk things through can be a huge help. As chelseamorning said, if you truly have a reason to be concerned about his faithfulness, then that’s a serious issue that needs to be addressed. If, on the other hand, he really is ready to commit to you, then you need to find a way to work through your doubts and trust that he will stay faithful no matter where he is or how long you’re apart. Either way, you should definitely talk this through with him and make sure you’re 100% ready to trust each other before you get married. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you! 

Post # 10
34 posts

Personally Maybe I am the pesimistic viewer, but I’d call the wedding off. Your obviously having doubts about his commitment and have a trust issues with him. I also suggest pre-marital counseling or any type or relationship counseling, but getting married will not fix any of the problem you have which I’m sure you know, but rather than "pos-poning it" I would call it off until you are both ready and you have not a single doubt whatsoever. My fiance will be leaving a month after we get married and I’m not going to see him for at least 7 months again. He has also been deployed once before and though it was hard for us because you argued almost none stop while he was overseas he came back home and our relationship did a complete turn around. Sometimes a little distance can really make a relationship grow because the only thing there is to do is talk or write and you get to know a person really well that way. Good luck

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