(Closed) Engaged and thinking of another guy- PLEASE HELP!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3340 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

You need to cut off all communication with this other guy and never speak to him again.  That may sound extreme, but hear me out.

I went through a very similar thing BEFORE getting engaged.  It shames me just to think about it.  I didn’t know if my current fiance was the one for me or not.  We were fighting a lot.  We wanted different things.  I had feelings for another guy.  There was one night when I was staying in a hotel room, the other guy came over…I swear to God nothing happened!  He just came over, we talked…he put his arm around me at one point.  But that was it.  He left.  I felt soooooo guilty.

I finally ended up confessing to my boyfriend (now fiance) and told him I’d understand if he wanted to break up.  He was hurt but glad that I told him.  He still loved me and didn’t want to break up.  I think he was more shocked than anything.  Going through all that made me realize that I was a complete idiot.  Why did I even have feelings for this other guy?  He was nothing but a loser and a liar.  The man I had was incredible.

Years later, I got engaged to this incredible man and know without a shadow of a doubt that he is the one for me.  I cut the other guy out of my life and have never looked back.  You should do the same.  If you keep him in your life, it’s only asking for trouble.  If you feel guilty, it means you’re doing something wrong.  Don’t ignore that feeling.

Tell your fiance what’s happening.  You need to be honest with him.  But search your heart.  From what you’ve said, it sounds like you really love your fiance and want to be with him more than anyone.  I think it’s normal to be attracted to other people.  That will happen for the rest of your life.  The important part is not acting on those feelings.  Emotional cheating is the worst kind.

Post # 5
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

@Christy42213:  You wrote that: If you feel guilty, it means you’re doing something wrong.  Don’t ignore that feeling.

I don’t think this is necessarily true. Some people feel guilty over everything, even things they shouldn’t. I’m totally one of those people and will feel guilty over not doing the dishes, being bored at social events, not sharing someone’s interests.

So just because OP feels guilty doesn’t necessarily mean she’s done something wrong. It sounds to me like she is anxious about her upcoming nuptials which is totally normal.

Post # 7
Member
3340 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

@CMSnails:  I concede to your point.  I don’t feel guilty over things like you stated.  So, my comment is just true for me.  If I feel guilty, it’s probably because I am doing something to feel guilty for.

@xxamyxxb:  Emotional cheating is when you have feelings for someone who is not your significant other.  Maybe it could be better defined as actually acting on those feelings, I’m not sure.  But it’s not a good thing either way.  Since you’re not seriously considering running off with this other guy, then you’re probably not emotionally cheating.

I’d still share my concerns with my fiance, if I were you.  You’re probably stressing too much over nothing.  But if your fiance is your best friend, then you should be able to talk about stuff like this.  Maybe he can help you figure out why you’re so anxious about tying the knot.

Post # 8
Member
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Three simple questions. Do you love your fiance? Do you want to marry him? Do you want to be with someone else? If the answers are yes, yes, and no, then I think it’s nothing to worry about.

Post # 10
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think it is best to cool off your relationship with the other guy. Realize he is happy with his choice on who he asked to marry him. That was not you. You are romanticizing him in your head. If he was that great and you would be that great together you would have made that happen before you met your Fiance.

Post # 12
Member
3340 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

@xxamyxxb:  I’m so glad you talked to him!  IMing another guy is not cheating.  I hear you though.  My parents got divorced because my dad cheated on my mom too.  It definitely alters the way you think about things.  But just remember that you’re not your father.  And you’re not your mother.  You can learn from their mistakes and not repeat them yourself.  I wish you and your fiance all the best!  🙂

Post # 13
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

If this was the other way around and a woman posted that she snooped in her partner’s email and saw that he was in contact with another woman and asked her to go to the cinema, there would be 200 replies from posters shouting “red flags” and “deal breaker” and insinuating that he is cheating. It just shows that a lot of people have these slip ups. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person. Just enjoy the friendship and don’t do/say anything inappropriate.

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