(Closed) Cold feet or something else? Im confused I need to let it out

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I have no idea what the answer is, I just wanted to say that this must be such a confusing time for you and I can imagine how torn and awful you are feeling. Not because you’ve done anything wrong but because of…well, I just get it πŸ™‚

Shame OM isn’t a woman, then you could just be feeling super happy about meeting a new friend and get on with getting to know him better! Why does the man thing make it so complicated πŸ™‚

I think you’ve got a few options. Continue the friendship but make sure you hang out with OM when you are with your Fiance. They need to get to know each other and it will help ensure the friendship stays the way it is – above board. Don’t continue the friendship – just acknowledge it feels dangerous especially a few months before your wedding to be confusing yourself, take a step back and re-evaluate after the wedding. I guess the final option is to keep going the way you are, but that doesn’t seem like a very good idea to me since it is likely to end badly for everyone. At this point I’d probably go with #1 but if it got awkward or emotional I’d go for #2. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Answer honestly, if both your fiance and OM were free tonight who would you rather spend your time with? 

Post # 7
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your head must be spinning. =( 

Post # 8
Member
11 posts
Newbee

Hi So confused,

Well that does sound like a very confusing time. i don’t know how much i can help but i’ll put in my two cents and just remember that it’s only one person’s opinion so obviously make your own choices.

In my opinion…

This shouldn’t be about OM. You’re two months away from a wedding, you’d planned to spend the rest of your life with your fiance and now i’m sure that’s really hitting home and you’re thinking about your decision. That’s smart. It’s a big decision and asking questions is the sign that you do care that the man you are marrying is your “forever home” and not just the way life has taken you.

It sounds like meeting OM has been exciting and thrilling… as meeting a potential boyfriend, partner, or whatever always is. Those feelings of giddily thinking about someone usually come whenever you’re thinking about starting a new relationship. it’s exciting.

But it’s not about OM. He might be “the one”, he might not. You don’t have time to find out, and it could be very dangerous to try and find out. Especially if after the initial excitement wears off and you realize he’s got flaws, and is a bit boring, and that you really didn’t know very much about him when you first met.

I think instead of thinking about OM you should take this time to think about your fiance. Why do you love him, why did you fall in love? I’m no expert on relationships but i ask myself two questions when i’m evaluating my relationships…

Am i happy? (this one is important!)

and Is he everything I dreamed about when I imagined my partner? (inevitably, the answer to this question is no. The real info comes from figuring out how close your partner comes. Of the traits that you most value in a man how many does your partner have? And when you think about his shortcomings- are you prepared to accept them? (And don’t forget you have them too, and a certain amount of glossing over our human flaws in necessary in every relationship).

Also, things like values are important. Do you share the same values? Is the life you see ahead of you one that you’re looking forward too? (And don’t forget there may be many things you’re unhappy with in your life that he has nothing to do with, where you’re the one who has to do the work).

In my opinion, you need to leave OM out of it for now. Take a few days to think about your fiance and your relationship. Yeah, i’m sure it’s not perfect, but maybe it’s perfect enough. If you decide that wow, you really did make a mistake and this marriage is not for you, then you can give OM a chance. Maybe it’ll be great, or maybe he just looked so good because you were nervous about your wedding. On the other hand, maybe you’ll decide that your fiance might not be everything you ever dreamed of but he comes close enough, and you love him, and he makes you happy, and you really do want to continue your life with him.

Good luck. And don’t do anything until you’re absolutely sure of what you’re doing.

Post # 11
Member
11 posts
Newbee

i’m sorry that last one was so long, holy crap.

one last thing about the friendship thing. I once had a friend where we were friends for a long time while i had a boyfriend and i felt a real connection with him. he never made a move and he was great to talk to. But later, when i didn’t have a boyfriend, he did make a move and i think he was interested the whole time. so innocent friendships with men are always a bit of a tricky one.

Post # 12
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I just wrote out quite a bit for you, and when I hit submit I wasn’t logged in and so it’s gone.

It was so much along the lines of what littlewanderer suggested – you need to really step back and remember how refreshing and exhilarating things were when you and your fiance were new, and if they weren’t and you’ve always wanted that, no one will stop you.

But OM may turn out to be much less than he appears to be right now.

I always say that your head, heart and gut feeling HAVE to align in order to know that you can go forward with anyone.  Consider all consequences for whichever route you choose, and remember that you are accountable for the decision and ultimately what makes you happy in the end is what matters.

Keep in mind the saying, “The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.”  Be very careful!

Post # 13
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

First of all, I want to tell you that I think it is very brave of you to be taking an honest look at yourself in this particular situation. But I also want to reassure you…no one is perfect. No man is perfect. No woman is perfect. And no relationship is perfect! We are human. πŸ™‚ AND…the grass is ALWAYS greener. Seriously. Be really careful about comparing a few great conversations and the seemingly PERFECT other life that you COULD have with this guy, to the relationship you have worked on and built upon for 3 years.

I was with a guy before my Fiance that I connected with right away, had great conversations with, who was so excited to be with me ALL the time. etc. After a year, the relationship didn’t work out and years later, I figured out that one of the reasons he was so enthusiastic about me was because I was still getting over another relationship at the time. As long as I wasn’t completely available to him, he was in pursuit, and he loved it! But as soon as we were committed to each other and in the relationship, he started to act differently. Eventually, he started to act like an ***HOLE.

Anyway, this particular example might not apply to you but what I want to share is that the most important thing is for you to be clear in your own head about your own needs in a relationship. My Fiance isn’t the best conversationalist I’ve ever met either LOL but he’s the right man for me for a whole slew of reasons. :))) My theory is that no 1 person can be everything…but we can get really close. What is your most important trait that you need in a partner?

You may decide that a brilliant conversationalist is your number one trait but think very carefully before comparing what seems like a better deal after a few days to something you’ve had for 3 years. It’s kind of not a fair fight!

Thinking of you and supporting you no matter what you decide. πŸ™‚

Post # 14
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Wow, sorry you are feeling like this πŸ™ I wanted to write somthing down while you are online. I agree 100 percent with the preious poster. This. Cant. Be. About. OM.

 

this is about you formost then your FH then who else may or may not come next. You cant jump from the frying pan to the fire. IF you are not going to marry your Fiance. Then you sort through that. From an outsiders point of view, IF you were to leave Fiance, then a relationship straight off the batt would be a rebound and you would not be in a good space (in my opinion)/

 

Look, I think most  of us can admit to having second thoughts and good on your for recognising these. But these have to be sperate from OM. They have to.

 

All the best – I hope you get some peace with your thoughts

Post # 16
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

Were you already feeling this way before you met OM? If you hadn’t met OM, do you think you’d be wondering whether your Fiance was going to be able to make you happy in the long term? I have known people who didn’t realise they were unhappy in a relationship until they met their OM, or people who already knew they were unhappy but it took an OM to force them into a decision – it happened to my cousin 6 months ago actually. She’d been living with someone for a couple of years, they weren’t engaged or even thinking about it (she was sure they wouldn’t be together forever, it seemed to be about convenience really) but one night she met another guy, there were fireworks etc (although nothing physical happened) and the next day she broke it off with her boyfriend. She and her OM are very happy together – BUT she didn’t have to cancel a wedding to get to there, which is where your real dilemma comes in πŸ™‚

I think the others are right in that it’s important to take OM out of the equation for now as there’s lots of questions you need to ask yourself first. No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect – as long as you are perfect for each other, that’s the main thing! The Conscious Bride has some good words around cold feet/second thoughts/why getting married is scary, if you are interested!

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