(Closed) Cold Feet Or Something Else? Vent

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I believe you should follow your heart. If this is where it is leading you, as much as it would hurt and possibly affect your daughter for a while you must walk. You arent even married yet and this would be the best time to do so instead of waiting until after you are married and still miserable maybe, and on top of that deal with divorce costs etc. Sorry you are going through this, you need your happiness. You can always have a talk with your daughter or counseling if needed. Best wishes to you.

@Mrs. Bear Cheese Pie:  

Post # 4
Member
2906 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Well, I think happiness ebbs and flows, to a certain degree. I’m not always super duper happy with my fiance – but I do always love him. The weeks leading up to your wedding can be especially stressful, which might seem sort of overwhelming and keep you from feeling that uber-happy in love feeling… but you also might be recognizing deeper underlying issues. It’s hard to know without more detail. What are your hesitations?

When I’m feeling a twinge of cold feet, or when I’m grumpy with my fiance and think to myself, “ugh, do I really want to commit to a lifetime of arguing about the laundry?” or whatever, I re-read this Modern Love essay from the NY Times that I really loved: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/30/fashion/when-the-words-dont-fit-modern-love.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

She writes, “Sometimes his flaws are so egregious, so blatant, they are all I see. And sometimes his kindness is so stunning that I am humbled.”

I really love that, because it’s so true. There are moments when all I can see are the things that aren’t *perfect* about him or our relationship and they can be blinding. But those moments pass, and way more often than not, it’s his kindness that I see. His good and even great moments. 

Also keep in mind that engagement can be a stressful time. It’s not like you’re supposed to just be magically ecstatic and in love every second. You’re dealing with wedding planning and all the things that brings up – finances, family dynamics, years of expectations and dreams and so on. I think it’s normal to be a little edgy with each other. What really matters is whether you’re in love with him and whether you think your issues can be worked out. 

Post # 5
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Mrs. Bear Cheese Pie:  if you have doubts, i think it is time to leave the relationship. it seems like you are comfortable, and do not want to hurt anyones feelings.. but you will really just make it worse

 

can you imagine if you get married THEN decide you don’t love him anymore, that is a lot worse. 

Post # 7
Member
2906 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Mrs. Bear Cheese Pie:  Well, it definitely doesn’t seem like a great idea to marry someone you’re with mostly because you can’t do any better. But I also think it’s important to be realistic about possibilities and relationships in general. Not because you have a daughter and that makes you less desirable somehow, but because most human beings have to make compromises on at least some level in their relationships. My parents are totally in love and have a great marriage, but even they have some bones to pick with each other. My dad wishes my mom would stop being such a shopaholic, my mom wishes my dad could be more optimistic… but they accept each other because they love each other. 

I’m curious about what you’d like to do with your life that you feel like marriage would prevent you from doing. It’s true that there are a lot of compromises you have to make to have a healthy relationship – you couldn’t take off on a year long backpacking trip around Asia if your husband didn’t want you to. But there are lots of other things you definitely can do. Have you talked with him about what those dreams and desires are? You might be surprised at how supportive he can be. 

Post # 8
Member
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Mrs. Bear Cheese Pie:   Your daughter is a blessing, and any future man who doesn’t see it that way wouldn’t be worth your time.

It isn’t your FI’s responsibility to “make you happy,” it’s yours.

Has he done something recently that makes you feel not in love with him any more?

This might be normal cold feet, or it might be a sign you need to step back from this relationship and postpone your wedding.

Have you talked with him about these feelings?

Post # 10
Member
491 posts
Helper bee

You say you think you may be staying with him because he and your daughter love eachother. i worry that you wlll stay with him for only that reason and things in your relationship withh continue to decline.  As a child of divorced parents, I can say it’s really not fun to live in a house with parents who don’t like/can’t stand eachother. It makes it harder to have relationships with the parents and I honestly believe my view of marriage would actually have been worse if my parents had stayed together.  

She is young now, honestly, after a few years she will probably forget about him entirely. It will probably be rough for both of you at the beginning, but eventually you’ll both be able to move on, and likley in a better direction. 

Post # 11
Member
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Mrs. Bear Cheese Pie:  Ok.  But LISTEN to him. 

Here is how you are making him feel, and based on your posts I can see why he’s feeling this way.

“She thinks I’m not good enough for her.”

“She is only with me because I am a good father figure for her daughter.”

“She doesn’t love me unconditionally, she feels she is ‘settling’ for me because she can’t do any better, because of her daughter.”

I’m surprised he isn’t the one with cold feet.  How are you making this man feel loved for who he is, and appreciated for what he brings to the relationship?  Are you criticizing him a lot?  Are you being kind and respectful to him?

What you put into a relationship is what you get out of it.  You may want to try working on improving yourself instead of trying to improve him.

Can you try to see this from his side?  For someone to want to spend quality time with you it has to be a pleasant experience for them.  Are you making your time together fun and romantic? 

If you criticize a man too much, he’ll shut down on you; hence the communication problems.  If you really love him, you need to work on communicating with him in a respectful and compassionate way. 

Post # 12
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Sunfire:  I like this response. 

And i would also recommend 5 Love Languages.  People feel loved in different ways.  

I feel loved when my Fiance asks to take me to the movies because i like spending quality time with him. He feels loved when i go out of my way to do things for him (i get up early to pack his lunch every day).  I think you guys are in a funk with massive communication issues. I’m here to tell you it can improve. 

Post # 15
Member
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Swizzle:  I like your response, too!

 @Mrs. Bear Cheese Pie:  Her suggestion of the love languages book is excellent.  It could be as simple as a communication problem.

However, you say a lot of things in your post that would devastate him, most likely, if he read them.  You’re putting him down, saying you’re not attracted to him, you think you can do better than him.  You feel as though marriage will hold you back and trap you. 

If you were him, how would you feel – knowing someone felt that way about you?

You need to take a look at how you may have hurt him.  If you aren’t in love with him, cut him loose. 

If you do still love and want to marry him then try to draw him out with some #1) apologizing; and #2) baring your soul to him.  Be honest with him, but most of all, be honest with yourself.

Post # 16
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Mrs. Bear Cheese Pie:  You might want to talk to a professional then before the wedding.  You cant keep score in a relationship. For awhile i was making an effort to make meals, and go out of my way for him and i got NOTHING back.  But then when i looked back, i really had got something. He had been hugging and kissing me more. Telling me he appreciated me and was noticing the effort i made. This was before he read the book and didnt know what my love language was. So he had been trying to show love back, and i completely missed it. 

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