Post # 1
It’s getting closer and closer to our wedding date, and the closer it gets, the less sure I am about going through with it. I just don’t know if I want to marry Fiance anymore. We’ve been having a lot of problems with communication lately. So many that we hardly even talk, and when we do, it’s just arguing.
I have a four-year-old-daughter who has called him dad since she was one. I think that if I didn’t have her, I would end things…maybe. I just feel like it’s too late for that now. We’ve already invested three years into our relationship, and they love each other so much. I don’t want to take her “dad” away from her, and I’m pretty sure if we split up, he wouldn’t try to stay in touch. Why would he? She’s not his biological daughter.
But at the same time, I’m having a hard time sorting through my emotions because it’s gotten to where I can’t tell if I’m sticking with him out of love, or because of her. I’m so torn with how I’m feeling and I’m just not sure what to do anymore. I don’t want to mention it to friends or family because I don’t want them to worry, so i don’t really have anyone to talk to. I don’t even know if I’m asking for advice or what. I just want to say these things to someone, anyone, to see if anyone else went through something similar.
There’s probably a lot of details I’m leaving out, but my thoughts are so jumbled, I can’t focus on what would be important to include in this post. I’m just scared that my relationship is faling apart while we’re engaged. Isn’t this supposed to be a fun, happy time of our lives, when we’re the most in love? It really doesn’t seem like it anymore.
Post # 3
I believe you should follow your heart. If this is where it is leading you, as much as it would hurt and possibly affect your daughter for a while you must walk. You arent even married yet and this would be the best time to do so instead of waiting until after you are married and still miserable maybe, and on top of that deal with divorce costs etc. Sorry you are going through this, you need your happiness. You can always have a talk with your daughter or counseling if needed. Best wishes to you.
@Mrs. Bear Cheese Pie:
Post # 4
Well, I think happiness ebbs and flows, to a certain degree. I’m not always super duper happy with my fiance – but I do always love him. The weeks leading up to your wedding can be especially stressful, which might seem sort of overwhelming and keep you from feeling that uber-happy in love feeling… but you also might be recognizing deeper underlying issues. It’s hard to know without more detail. What are your hesitations?
When I’m feeling a twinge of cold feet, or when I’m grumpy with my fiance and think to myself, “ugh, do I really want to commit to a lifetime of arguing about the laundry?” or whatever, I re-read this Modern Love essay from the NY Times that I really loved: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/30/fashion/when-the-words-dont-fit-modern-love.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
She writes, “Sometimes his flaws are so egregious, so blatant, they are all I see. And sometimes his kindness is so stunning that I am humbled.”
I really love that, because it’s so true. There are moments when all I can see are the things that aren’t *perfect* about him or our relationship and they can be blinding. But those moments pass, and way more often than not, it’s his kindness that I see. His good and even great moments.
Also keep in mind that engagement can be a stressful time. It’s not like you’re supposed to just be magically ecstatic and in love every second. You’re dealing with wedding planning and all the things that brings up – finances, family dynamics, years of expectations and dreams and so on. I think it’s normal to be a little edgy with each other. What really matters is whether you’re in love with him and whether you think your issues can be worked out.
Post # 5
@Mrs. Bear Cheese Pie: if you have doubts, i think it is time to leave the relationship. it seems like you are comfortable, and do not want to hurt anyones feelings.. but you will really just make it worse
can you imagine if you get married THEN decide you don’t love him anymore, that is a lot worse.
Post # 6
@KatieBklyn: I just don’t know if I’m in love with him anymore. I feel like there’s still a lot of things I wanted to do with my life. I don’t know if it’s the marriage that’s making me feel trapped, or my daughter. I got pregnant so young, so it’s not like I can just go off and do the things I feel I missed anyway. I never planned on getting married this young, but it just seemed right since we’d been together for so long, he and my daughter are great together, and we were really happy together.
I’m just hesitant because I don’t know if i want to commit to him forever. I feel like, with a daughter, he’s the best I can do. He IS a good guy. Hard working, he loves us, and he’s pretty attractive. BUT, I feel like, if I didn’t have my daughter, I could do better. I could find someone I’m more attracted to, someone who’s not such a downer [he’s always complaining about something], and someone who maybe shares more common interests. Maybe. These are all ifs. Maybe he’s the best I can do with or without a daughter. I don’t know, but it feels like I could find someone who would make me happier.
I’m also scared because I don’t know what I would do if we split up. I’m mostly a stay-at-home-mom, so I don’t make much money at all. I couldn’t afford to survive with my daughter. That, and I don’t even know where I’d go about meeting another person to date, or how to trust that they’d get along as well and Fiance and my daughter do. There are just all these things I’m worried about if I call it off.
Post # 7
@Mrs. Bear Cheese Pie: Well, it definitely doesn’t seem like a great idea to marry someone you’re with mostly because you can’t do any better. But I also think it’s important to be realistic about possibilities and relationships in general. Not because you have a daughter and that makes you less desirable somehow, but because most human beings have to make compromises on at least some level in their relationships. My parents are totally in love and have a great marriage, but even they have some bones to pick with each other. My dad wishes my mom would stop being such a shopaholic, my mom wishes my dad could be more optimistic… but they accept each other because they love each other.
I’m curious about what you’d like to do with your life that you feel like marriage would prevent you from doing. It’s true that there are a lot of compromises you have to make to have a healthy relationship – you couldn’t take off on a year long backpacking trip around Asia if your husband didn’t want you to. But there are lots of other things you definitely can do. Have you talked with him about what those dreams and desires are? You might be surprised at how supportive he can be.
Post # 8
@Mrs. Bear Cheese Pie: Your daughter is a blessing, and any future man who doesn’t see it that way wouldn’t be worth your time.
It isn’t your FI’s responsibility to “make you happy,” it’s yours.
Has he done something recently that makes you feel not in love with him any more?
This might be normal cold feet, or it might be a sign you need to step back from this relationship and postpone your wedding.
Have you talked with him about these feelings?
Post # 9
We have talked about things, but we communicate differently. A lot of times, after an arguement, we realize we were trying to say the same thing, but didn’t know it because we speak/think differently. So, yes, we’ve talked, many times, but we’ve never resolved anything.
I just feel like we don’t spend any time together or communicate anymore. He argues that we live together and we talk every day. That’s not what I mean though. Just because we live together, it doesn’t mean we’re spending time with each other. It just feels like we’re drifting further and further apart, and we’re both getting angry at the other person for whatever reasons.
Example: I asked him why he doesn’t randomly text me that he loves me anymore, and he said because he used to think about me and get filled with so much love that he had to tell me. Now, he thinks about me and gets angry that he’s not good enough, even though he’s trying. That hurts my feelings. I get upset at him him for saying something like that, then we get more and more withdrawn and angry at each other.
Post # 10
You say you think you may be staying with him because he and your daughter love eachother. i worry that you wlll stay with him for only that reason and things in your relationship withh continue to decline. As a child of divorced parents, I can say it’s really not fun to live in a house with parents who don’t like/can’t stand eachother. It makes it harder to have relationships with the parents and I honestly believe my view of marriage would actually have been worse if my parents had stayed together.
She is young now, honestly, after a few years she will probably forget about him entirely. It will probably be rough for both of you at the beginning, but eventually you’ll both be able to move on, and likley in a better direction.
Post # 11
@Mrs. Bear Cheese Pie: Ok. But LISTEN to him.
Here is how you are making him feel, and based on your posts I can see why he’s feeling this way.
“She thinks I’m not good enough for her.”
“She is only with me because I am a good father figure for her daughter.”
“She doesn’t love me unconditionally, she feels she is ‘settling’ for me because she can’t do any better, because of her daughter.”
I’m surprised he isn’t the one with cold feet. How are you making this man feel loved for who he is, and appreciated for what he brings to the relationship? Are you criticizing him a lot? Are you being kind and respectful to him?
What you put into a relationship is what you get out of it. You may want to try working on improving yourself instead of trying to improve him.
Can you try to see this from his side? For someone to want to spend quality time with you it has to be a pleasant experience for them. Are you making your time together fun and romantic?
If you criticize a man too much, he’ll shut down on you; hence the communication problems. If you really love him, you need to work on communicating with him in a respectful and compassionate way.
Post # 12
@Sunfire: I like this response.
And i would also recommend 5 Love Languages. People feel loved in different ways.
I feel loved when my Fiance asks to take me to the movies because i like spending quality time with him. He feels loved when i go out of my way to do things for him (i get up early to pack his lunch every day). I think you guys are in a funk with massive communication issues. I’m here to tell you it can improve.
Post # 13
@Sunfire: I tried that for a few months, and it made no difference. I tried pointing out why I appreciated him [mowing the grass, supporting us, good with our daughter, etc]. I tried leaving him little notes, or giving more hugs, or trying to show an interest in things he likes. No change, whatsoever. He still acts the same way toward me.
Post # 14
@Swizzle: I read that, and it made him angry. He said that it was making me turn on him, when it was realky showing me how to say what I was feeling. I’m Quality Time and he’s Words of Affirmation. I tried to say nicer things to him or to say how grateful I was, but I didn’t see a change, and honestly, after awhile of feeling like I’m the only one trying, I just don’t feel the urge to leave a note by the coffe pot that says “I love you. Have a great day at work.”
Post # 15
@Swizzle: I like your response, too!
@Mrs. Bear Cheese Pie: Her suggestion of the love languages book is excellent. It could be as simple as a communication problem.
However, you say a lot of things in your post that would devastate him, most likely, if he read them. You’re putting him down, saying you’re not attracted to him, you think you can do better than him. You feel as though marriage will hold you back and trap you.
If you were him, how would you feel – knowing someone felt that way about you?
You need to take a look at how you may have hurt him. If you aren’t in love with him, cut him loose.
If you do still love and want to marry him then try to draw him out with some #1) apologizing; and #2) baring your soul to him. Be honest with him, but most of all, be honest with yourself.
Post # 16
@Mrs. Bear Cheese Pie: You might want to talk to a professional then before the wedding. You cant keep score in a relationship. For awhile i was making an effort to make meals, and go out of my way for him and i got NOTHING back. But then when i looked back, i really had got something. He had been hugging and kissing me more. Telling me he appreciated me and was noticing the effort i made. This was before he read the book and didnt know what my love language was. So he had been trying to show love back, and i completely missed it.