Cold feet or something more?

posted 10 months ago in Engagement
  • poll: What should I do in this situation?
    It’s just normal cold feet. Forget about it and go through with the wedding : (0 votes)
    Seek couples counseling : (9 votes)
    50 %
    Cancel the wedding : (8 votes)
    44 %
    Other (explain) : (1 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    363 posts
    Helper bee

    Whether you move in before or after marriage, living together is an eye opener for even the most similar of people. It could be that he’s used to being on his own, on his own rules so he’s used to some things (leaving dishes in the sink for days, leaving dirty clothes on the floor, etc). Because when you live by yourself it’s easy to not “care” as much. Idk what problems you ran into so I gave generic examples. Definitely do couples counseling and come in with a mind that you want to build your relationship. Also, after 9 years together it probably isnt the wild and passionate love affair it used to be. Thinking of your fiance in a brotherly way isnt really a bad thing. Your feelings grow and develop as the relationship continues and your feelings for a partner can blend or feel similar as it would for a family member. Also, look into ways you can bring that spark back. Are you guys too settled I to a routine? Can you think of ways to spice things up? You may think “why bother if hes not bothering” but he may be thinking the same and you see the problem there. Bottom line, get counseling but this doesnt sound like anything unfixable.

    Post # 3
    Member
    206 posts
    Helper bee

    Learning to live together is a big step in every relationship. Theres a reason why premarital counseling is recommended for engaged couples. It helps them through this life step with a neutral third source to give opinions and guidance. You 2 need to start communicating your differences and how you can make this work. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    5708 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    This could be that you don’t want to marry him but it could also just be living together.  What sorts of problems have you been having specifically? You have only been living together for 2/3 weeks so it is all fresh and during that time you have done a lot of wedding planning which sounds full on! 

    Post # 5
    Member
    1299 posts
    Bumble bee

    idek :  I don’t know if this is just cold feet because you really haven’t given a lot of specifics on your relationship.

    What I did notice in your post, however, are that there are a lot of red flags.

    First, you said that you thought that getting engaged was all you needed to make you happy.  If your best friend were to tell you this, what would be your response?  Probably that you should not need another person to make you happy.  Happiness has to come from within.  Sure there are things than can make us happy (like for me, having my student loans paid off) but our happiness should not be dependant on those things actually happening.

    Second, you said that you’ve “always” have had doubts about being too different but tried to “embrace the differences”.  I think you need to be 100% honest with yourself.  What kind of differences are we talking about?  It is him putting the toilet paper over and you under?  Is it differences with relgion, politics, hobbies?  Or is it more fundamental things, like number of children to have and how to raise them; things too many people just assume will work themselves out?  Any kind of problems do not magically go away once you’re engaged and married; in fact, they magnify.  So again since you weren’t specific, you have to ask yourself if these “differences” are deal breakers.  Something like a hobby, probably not a relationship ender, for example.  But something like him spending every single weekend getting drunk with his friends while I was more of a homebody probably is just going to get worse and build up resentment.

    I don’t believe you know someone until you live with them.  I’ve lived with 2 guys, my ex Fiance and my current husband (we moved in together before we were engaged).  My personal opinion is that you absolutely should live with someone before becoming engaged.  With both guys I lived with, the transitions went very smoothly, much more than I expected, but I also went into both situations knowing that compromise was a word that was going to be thrown around a lot.  I’ve known some couples who had a very tough transition when they moved in together – some actually broke up as a result.  You’ve had a lot happen in a short time, so it’s really impossible to say whether the moving in together is the problem or if there are much deeper issues.  But since you’ve mentioned the word “doubt” in your post, I don’t think you should completely ignore those feelings.

    I honestly would not plan anything else with the wedding until these issues are worked out.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1355 posts
    Bumble bee

    idek :  just because living together is different and imperfect doesn’t mean your love is.

     

    There is alot of compromise  and acceptance that goes along with it. It can be as much learning about yourself as it is the other person.

    You’ve been on your own a long time!! 

     

    You don’t say where else your doubts stem from, but it would not hurt for you to.individually seek some counseling  before bringing it up… 

    Post # 7
    Member
    7768 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    It sounds more serious than cold feet to me. I agree with the suggestion to get some individual counseling asap. You need to figure out what you want before you get married…it’s not fair to your partner otherwise.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1966 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    idek :  If you ever think that you love the man you’re about to marry “as a brother,” if you even think this for a millisecond, you should not marry him. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    1207 posts
    Bumble bee

    If you’re not attracted to him, it will never work. You’re just setting yourself up to lust for other men and you will regret marrying someone you don’t feel passionate about. You’re essentially roommates and unfortunately, I don’t think any amount of therapy will make you feel differently towards him. If it’s not there, it’s not there, you know?

    I dated someone I wasn’t attracted to for a long time and once we broke up, I realized how much more fun it was to go out with people I actually had the hots for lol. I didn’t realize how turned off I was by my ex and I never wanted to kiss him or be intimate and it destroyed our relationship. I learned A LOT being single lol. And now, years later,  I am with someone that I’m so attracted to and in love with all around as a person and it’s so wonderful!

    You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t give you any doubts. please don’t just brush them aside: you didn’t mention a lot of specifics for the other issues but I think it’s important to be honest with yourself.

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