(Closed) Cold feet or something more?

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
2763 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

View original reply
jubial :  umm that’s not being picky – that’s called good judgement. Do NOT marry someone that you’re religiously, sexually, philosophically, fundamentally incompatible with. 

Post # 3
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Wait, he thinks that discussing religion or politics with your future spouse is not appropriate and he never wants you to bring it up again? Habe the two of you talked about having children? If you plan to, he MUST discuss his expectations about how to raise them (religiously or not). And locking himself away and slamming doors during an argument? It really sounds like he has some maturing to do before he is ready to share his life with someone else. That in addition to everything else you have mentioned makes it sound like marrying this man would be a huge mistake.

Post # 4
Member
1089 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

From my personal experience it worries me that he shuts down and gives you the silent treatment.  I would talk to him about it, but if it isn’t resolved you may have to call it off.

Better to call off a wedding than file for divorce

Post # 5
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Beach

No you are not being ridiculous. These are legit concerns. Is there someone you can talk to? Counseling? For just you and maybe a couples counselor? I think you have some deep questions to ask yourself if this relationship is for you. I would do that before making wedding plans. My fiancé and I spent two days discussing our ballot decisions and I’m not saying that’s the way everyone should be but you need something in common that creates a connection. It sounds to me like he has some past family issue or something if he clams up when you ask him. When we went to premarital counseling we filled out a questionnaire that had tons of childhood experience questions. I have seen lots of questionnaires online and in books that are recommended for couples to discuss before marriage. It says you should definitely talk about these things before marriage religion, family dynamics, future plans, vacation styles, finances, sex, styles wants needs desires satisfaction frequency etc. I think I would find one and see if he would be willing to have a conversation over it.  I’m pretty sure the Gottman Institute has lots of info that would be useful. 

I do recognize you said there are some good things like offering to change or sacrifice a wanted job is commendable and says a lot about his commitment. I don’t think that is an issue but I do think there are some topics that should be explored. 

Post # 6
Member
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

OP, it sounds like you don’t even really know this guy. Don’t someone who can’t meet your basic expectations of partnership. 

Post # 9
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Not listening to my heart and rationalizing feelings was exactly how I ended up divorced within two years and thousands down the drain… it sucked. Save yourself the love, time, energy and money so you find the person who inspires, gives, receives and brings you joy. It shouldn’t be like pulling teeth. I don’t regret it because every choice I made led me to the love of my life today. But… knowing what I know now, not listening to myself wasn’t the right decision. Good luck OP. 

Post # 10
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You’d be better off getting a dog.

A pet is “good and loyal”. So is a friend. Your SO sounds incompatible as a life partner as he’s, unwilling or unable to discuss “anything deep or different” and offers a “very superficial and boring” connection.

The silent treatment is a behavior that could likely be remedied with couples’ counseling.

However, the guy doesn’t like to read, isn’t curious about the world outside of his work/football loop and isn’t interested in sharing ideas with his partner. That’s just his personality (or lack thereof) and no amount of therapy will change it. 

Trust yourself. 

I am starting to feel like I am making a terrible mistake. My wedding is 8 months away and I feel depressed and terrified and I am struggling to figure out if this is cold feet or if my mind is trying to warn me.

Heed the warning signs.

 

 

Post # 12
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

View original reply
jubial :  Any time 🙂 I’m glad you’re thinking this through with much self-awareness. Remember the ❤️ and leave no stone unturned!

Post # 13
Member
3720 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I think it’s time to walk away if you don’t want to marry him as he is today. He has been this way the entire time you’ve been with him. These are not new traits and he’s not likely to become a completely new person in the foreseeable future. You can’t make him want to discuss those topics or care about your history. I’m surprised all these things didn’t pop out at you before moved in with him. 

If nothing else I would postpone the wedding, but I think you’ll find that you two are just not compatible. You are fundamentally different people.

Post # 14
Member
1527 posts
Bumble bee

If he’s not willing to improve things and be more engaging, emotionally and sexually then you should walk away. You deserve a fulfilling and loving partner who wants to know every tiny little thing about you 

Post # 15
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Don’t marry him. My ex (most recent one before DH) had the exact same issue- he couldn’t stand to explain how or why he thought certain things, hated discussions, and hated being challenged to learn and grow. It made me absolutely miserable and it was after we broke up and I started dating DH that I realized how important those things were to me. You will be unhappy if you settle for this guy- keep looking for the man that inspires and challenges you.

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