Post # 1
Ok, so I posted over in marriage and cohabiting, but then realised this might be more approrpiate.
We’ve been together 2 years, living together for 1, and talked about getting engaged last year, married this year and then children the year after.
Things have been like heaven on earth since the marriage convo – it’s been like second honeymoon phase.
Until NYE. He got wasted, was telling me how he loves having a strong woman and then waxed lyrical for half an hour about how I was going to have his twins. Since then he repeatedly kept saying how wasted he was and didn’t remember anything he said. Also was talking about how much he loved me for getting him off weed (I had nothing to do with it, seriously).
Last Friday he turns up home with a big bag of weed. I told him to go enjoy it with his mates. Which he did. Friday and Saturday night . Sleeping in the day. I told him I was disappointed and felt he was being insincere in things he had said to me. He said he thought we’d said to get engaged this year and married next. We totally didn’t. excuse bells are ringing.
He’s been his usual lovely self – giving me lifts to and from work and cooking for me. He even came home after buying a Kinect game for us to play together (!) We have a nice weekend to look forward to – we’re watching friends play in a band tonight (I’m going to see a friend who’s leaving the country first, to which Boyfriend or Best Friend doesn’t want to come) and tomorrow my friend is coming down from the other side of the country and we’d all arranged to meet up tm night.
So last night he gets a phonecall from a friend inviting him round to smoke at his with a couple other friends. He gets excited and says yeah. When he got off the phone I reminded him about our night out. He says ah well I don’t get to do this very often. I said that we only see my friend once or twice a year whereas these guys live in Cardiff. He basically started an argument getting angry at me for having a problem. He offered to meet up early quickly with them, but they are busy earlier on. He then apologised for apparently forgetting we had a night out.
I am upset that not only has he sacked off me and my friends (again!!), but that he got angry over me getting upset about it and said I was causing drama.
We’ve had an amazing few months since our marriage talk, and I’d been walking around on cloud 9. Since the weed thing, things have changed and it’s like he’s saying f*** you I’ll do what I want – even though I backed down a little bit.
Also about him agreeing to things and then backing out of it or saying he didn’t mean what he said, I’ve started wondering how sincere he is about getting married. When I asked him last night, he said he thought I meant get engaged this year and get married next (we agreed get engaged last year and married this).
I texted him at work today as I was in floods of tears – been in a previous 7 year relationship where I waited and waited forever and forever to find out his intentions were b*lloc*s. I said I was surprised at his attitude to letting me and my friends down, and disappointed that he had again promised something he didn’t live up to, and why should I continue to make him a priority when I’m only an option to him. He got sh*tty and said he’d already explained and I was still p*ssed then he’d cancel his whole night.
I’ve basically told him I’m tired of being taken for granted and upset that he seems more annoyed by the inconvenience of it all. I said that I’m starting to feel like he’s getting cold feet.
That really kicked it off and he said the world doesn’t revolve around me and he was switching his phone off as he doesn’t want to discuss it.
Seriously, I’ve been walking around with my head in the clouds (he’s been exactly the same) for months – excited about the prospect of engagement etc. In one week, he’s gone back to angry man, ready to show me I’m not important to him at every turn.
Can anyone help or advise? Am I being overly dramatic or is he being a big turd?
Post # 3
He seems very pissy for someone who agreed to this recently.
I’d say your feelings are valid and in a very non confrontational way you need to let him know you will not be waiting around if he said he would propose last year and hasnt done anything.
Post # 4
Maybe this is the immature thing to do but…show him what he’s missing. Start living the single life a little more than before. See if that’s what he really wants.
And yes, it sounds like he’s trying to give you a message..he’s not in a mad rush to get engaged. Sorry he’s being a total tit.
Post # 5
OK, I know pot isn’t a huge deal in most cases…but in this case I’m totally blaming it, because it seems like when he smoked with his friends things started changing. I dated a pothead. I didn’t care that he did it, it’s his life and lungs, but it did start to bother me. Why? Because he started caring more about it than us. He would be late picking me up for dates because we had to smoke with his friends first (even though he had all day and wasn’t picking me up until evening). We would have to rush through dinner dates to stop and get weed from his buddy before we could go to the movies. He was almost 2 hours late on my birthday to pick me up to bring me to dinner (his idea)…which meant that we didn’t leave the house until amost 9:00 on a Monday when we both had to work early the next day. He would forget we had plans, so that on a Saturday night at 8:30 I’d be dressed and ready and I’d get a text ‘Hey babe, whatcha doing?’ I let it slide for 10 months before I finally had enough of him killing brain cells and screwing me out of a good time. On top of that, it made him tired, lazy, WAY more laid back than I cared for or wanted, and plain old stupid. I still don’t have a problem with someone who wants to smoke occasionally at a party or something, but I would never get involved with another person who needed it on a daily basis.
It sounds to me like your SO is falling into old habits, and quickly. I would sit him down and explain to him that it meant so much to you when he thanked you for helping him give it up, and that you were so proud of him for doing it mostly on his own. It worries you that he’s getting into it again, and it’s becoming frequent, because you’re worried that there may be something going on in his life that is stressing him out and not telling you. Relationships are a team effort, and he needs to talk to you. Also tell him that you would like to go along with the plan of getting engaged this year (I know this wasn’t the plan, but 2011 is already over so there’s no changing it now, sadly) but you can honestly not see yourself marrying someone addicted to pot. That’s not what you agreed to. Also tell him that he may not see it, but smoking causes him to turn into a different person, and that’s not who you fell in love with…you don’t like the other version. Once you approach it in a way that isn’t ‘nagging’ and is more an open communication, he may feel better and open up about other things. Maybe there was a reason he couldn’t propose last year and he was ashamed to admit it (finances are always a strain on men, even if they pretend otherwise). I think once he opens up, you’ll be able to get back to where you were after your initial marriage conversation.
Post # 6
Ok, so last night he came home from work and came to talk to me, getting angry straight away. His argument was that he feels like I’m ‘assasinating’ his character (by saying I feel he’s insincere) and that I’m saying he’s not good enough for me (with the weed thing etc). He then said there were things about me he doubts (the fact that we were arguing and I’m stubborn), and said I made him feel like he’s got a donkey on his back about the getting engaged and giving up smoking.
It drives me crazy, because he was the one who said he wants to do those things!
I got upset as I felt he was making excuses, we rowed a bit, then I told him that I was very proud of him for giving up but felt he hadn’t made it clear what ‘giving up’ meant. I also said that the getting engaged is down to him too, and yes it’s his special moment as well. He brought up the money aspect saying that we have so many things to do (marriage, children, house, travelling) but he has plans for saving as he is doing incredibly well at his new job.
About the sacking me and my friends off, he got angry straight away again about that but I told him that in walking over our plans for his, he’d been selfish and handled it by starting an argument to dodge a bullet (so to speak). He apologised for that and agreed he could have handled it better.
I also pointed out that he is quick to anger and take every comment I make to it’s worst possible meaning, and that if he is upset he should explain so to me instead of blowing up. He said I cut deep to the core in an instant, when I’m just trying to tell him how his inconsistency makes me feel.
So, maybe it’s a bit of both – maybe I’m a turd and he’s a drama queen.
I hear you about the going out and concentrating on myself instead of our relationship – after we’d sorted it out I went out and partied with a friend who’s leaving (who incidentally my Boyfriend or Best Friend was ridiculously rude to when he met him and so couldn’t come too). I’m starting to feel better about forging the way ahead for myself, but hope that Boyfriend or Best Friend stays along for the ride too.
Post # 7
It might just be me (because I am anti-drugs, even weed) but did a lot of his cancelling and changing his mind start after he started smoking weed again? Just wanted to ask because I was a little confused by what you wrote so wanted to clarify.
Think it sounds like you guys need to sit down and talk, you need to know where you stand 🙂
Post # 8
Ok, so what’s happened is he smoked weed on NYE, and turned up a week ago with a bag which he smoked a little of then threw the rest away after we’d had a discussion.
He does not count this as ‘being back on weed’, he believes he has kicked the addication but wants to be able to smoke every now and again with mates should it arise. His wish is apparently to give up smoking weed and tobacco by the time we get married/have children.
Yes the changing his mind part came after the smoking weed bit. I have suggested to him perhaps he’d be happier with another girl who is into smoking. I am as flexible with him smoking as I feel happy with and will not budge on everything I have always said about it. I have said he can do what he likes when with friends (which is about once every two weeks), but we’ve agreed he will not smoke at the house.
We’ve sat down and chatted, and have come to an agreement with the smoking i.e. not in the house, only with friends and not in the week – also not every weekend as I don’t like who he is when he’s high. He’s always said he wants to give up full stop – tobacco and all. This is a goal for him for when we get engaged – he doesn’t want to smoke around children etc. My goals are to be with a non weed smoker, get engaged/married, buy a house, have children. This I can accomplish with or without him.
So that’s where we are today. Except he’s going out to a friend’s tonight and I guess will be smoking again.
I feel like I’ve upset the apple cart. Things were so perfect the last few months and now bringing up this smoking again, he’s started going out with friends more and spending less time doing nice things with me.
I suppose I have to go through this and if things don’t work out they don’t work out.