(Closed) cold feet / Pissed

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You’re having cold feet because he didn’t loose enough weight before the wedding?

Post # 4
Member
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would face the fact that people are who they are.  Don’t expect someone to change for the better after marriage.  Marriage usually makes things worse, not better.

You want him to lose weight.  He has to want it and take steps, on his own, to do so.  He can’t do it for you.  Obviously this isn’t a priority to him.  Even if he did lose weight for the wedding or to make you happy, chances are it would be a temporary change and the weight would come back fairly soon.

Either love, accept and marry him exactly the way he is now, no changes needed in your eyes, or face the truth that you want him to change into someone he’s not.  That is not fair to either you or him.  Maybe you’re in love with his “potential” and not really in love with who he is. 

Post # 5
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Was he the same size when you met? Personally, if i was in the same situation i would still marry my Fiance ..i love him, his personality not what size pants he wears. Beauty fades.

Post # 6
Member
8110 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

But this isn’t about losing weight for vanity’s sake–he needs to pass a physical fitness test to become a police officer.

 

Op, it sounds as if your Fi having a secure and stable career is extremely important to you and law enforcement represented that.

 

Is he open to counseling at all?  For whatever reason, he is sabotaging this career opportunity and hurting your relationship.  IMO, counseling would be the next logical step.

Post # 7
Member
855 posts
Busy bee

I do understand what you mean. It’s not the weight, it’s the fact that he isn’t committed to doing good for himself, and possibly losing the chance of a great career because he’s putting fast food before his family.

Have you spoken to him about finding the fast food reciepts? How did he react?

Post # 8
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Best to accept others as they are, not as you’d like them to be. I can’t even imagine the pressure I would feel if my fiance made me “promise” to lose 50 pounds by our wedding date. I would be terribly upset and wishing to be accepted for the person I am. Perhaps refusing by action to do this is his way of rebelling against not being good enough in your eyes.

Post # 9
Member
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m surprised at the responses here. If the situations were reversed and OP was a man waiting on a woman to loose 50lbsshe would be getting flamed. 

Whos to say he can’t pass the physical test as he is?

Post # 10
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I get what you’re saying… is he flaky in other aspects of his life? Have you been together long enough to know you can rely on him? If not, maybe it would be best to wait until you feel more secure with him as a partner.

Post # 11
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Sunfire:  I’m going to respectfully disagree about him needing to want weight loss for himself and not for her. While I think you’d be correct about almost every personal characteristic, I do believe weight is different. It sounds like the hardest part of losing weight is the beginning stage, before any pay-off is apparent. If he motivates hiumself through this beginning stage by wanting to do it for her, he will soon start to see the change in his body and how he feels, and then I really think he would start wanting to lose more weight and maintain it for himself as well as for her. He probably just needs help getting over the hump. 

 

OP, whether or not it’s reasonable for you to contemplate leaving him because of his empty promises about weight loss, that’s another story. However, the way you connected his failure to lose weight with unreliability and unability to sustain a happy marriage makes me think there is either more to this story, or you could use a little one-on-one counseling for your baggage from your ex. Whatever you do, just explain to him exactly how you’re feeling and what you’re afraid of before you decide to walk. Like you said, you have children who need stability. 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 13
Member
5001 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Have you tried to help him? Therapy, nutrition, exercise, etc? I understand the issue and I think that obesity is a HUGE problem and I would have serious reservations if my Fiance became obese and didn’t do anything about it. That said, it can be a mental health issue and he may really need help from professionals. It sounds like you are resentful rather than concerned, which isn’t really going to help the situation. 

Post # 14
Member
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@kimjmom:   Actions speak louder than words.  He needs to start backing his words up with some action.

Post # 15
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I would be concerned about it.  Other people can say what they want about ‘fat can be fit’, but fast food is NOT healthy.  I’d be concerned about his ability to set reasonable goals, and his ability to take steps to achieve those goals.  If he’s trying to improve his fitness to pass the police physical exam, he’s sabotaging himself with every McDonalds trip.  The fact that he’s hiding it is also a concern.  It’s not about the weight, it’s about not following through with his commitments. 

I’d sit down and have a serious conversation about where he sees his future going.  Counseling might not be a bad idea either, just so he can understand WHY he’s sabotaging himself.  Once he understands the why, it’s easier to put a stop to it.

Post # 16
Member
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Taeyers:  But with weight there is a fine line between being helpful and being critical of the person who’s trying to lose weight.  Once the criticism, or even the hint  of criticism starts, then it goes from being helpful to backfiring – and possibly causing the person to overeat even more.

If he really wants to lose weight he will take the necessary steps to do so – without any help or input from her.  Otherwise it just won’t work for the long term.

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