(Closed) Cold feet? :( Sorry, long.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I suggest taking a weekend and going off by yourself somewhere away from everything so you can think over everything. It is much easier to make life decisions if they aren’t right in front of you.

Post # 4
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

First off, I’m so sorry about your fight.

However, it was a couple of weeks ago so I think you really have to sort out if you’re still upset about the fight, and if so, why? If not, maybe you are having cold feet, and you need to figure out why you’re having cold feet. And figure out if you and your fiance want or are going to be able to work things out.

So first, and probably easiest, I would pause wedding planning until you figure this out. You still have time.  

Secondly, do not talk to crush (if at all possible) while working out your thoughts on your relationship. It will muddy the waters, so to speak. If this relationship is important to you, which I think it is, it deserves your undivided attention. So whether you continue with your engagement or decide it’s not going to work out, I believe that you need to do that honestly and with a clear head, and having crush around isn’t going to help anything.

If you decide you really want to work on your relationship and continue on with the engagement, I wouldn’t plan the camping trip with your crush. Distance yourself from him– planning the camping trip is not more important than your (possible) future.

And though you used to have feelings for crush, do you still? It sounds like it. Think about why you might be having feelings for someone other than your fiance.

Good luck and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 5
4546 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with noritake22. Sometimes you just need a little distance to put things into perspective.

Post # 6
216 posts
Helper bee

Are you really ready for marriage?

I don’t mean to be harsh. But when you are really serious about being committed to someone for the rest of your life.. old crushes shouldn’t come up as a justifiable option when you and your Fiance are having a fight.

Post # 7
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Why not find a therapist, just for a visit or two? It might really help in sorting out your feelings and the relationship.

Post # 8
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I think you’re making a mistake most women make. Putting the focus on your feelings for another person instead of looking at your current relationship. It’s so easy to become biased when you have feelings for someone else- not saying you should stay with your current partner, just you shouldn’t even think about this other person. Keep your focus on whether or not you want to be with the man your engaged to.

   If the fight you had was this hurtful (i.e. you’re still going over it) it might be time to take a few days to yourself and see how you feel. Is it cold feet or do you know you’re not going to enjoy being with this person for the rest of your life?

Good luck.

Post # 9
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Can you give a little background?  Age difference you are talking about?  How long have you known your crush? What was the argument about?

I’ve been in your shoes – however I wasn’t engaged to the person (we were living together and dating for 6 years).  We were always arguing (lived together) and the more that I hung out platonically w/ my crush, the more I noticed all the crappy things my Boyfriend or Best Friend did to me and they seemed exaggerated…..

Post # 11
144 posts
Blushing bee

Well if you’re looking for inspiration on the age gap, my Fiance and I have a rather significant one and it’s worked for us. I’m 22 and he just turned 46, but neither of us have been married/have kids. 

Sorry to hear your feelings are so hurt from the fight. I agree with the other bees. Maybe take a step back and re-evaluate your wants/needs. 

Post # 12
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

Do you think that bringing up the fight with your Fiance gain (in a nicer way…not attacking him), might help you to resolve what’s still bothering you about it? I find that sometimes, after you’ve had time to think about it, it’s good to bring it up again to make sure you’re being fully understood. Talking with a counselor might also help to get those unresolved feelings out.

I think you need to take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship to be sure this is the man you want to marry. Take the crush completely out of the equasion and just look at how happy you are in your relationship.

Post # 13
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

In your last post, you talk about how negative and draining it is to talk to your Fiance. Constant negativity is hard to deal with. Is it like this when you are together? Is it because of stress or is this how he is? Or are you comparing him unfavorably to your crush–and have you seen your crush in stressful or grumpy moments? I offer these not because I think you should do one thing or the other but because it might help you to think about whether you are just seeing one side of your Fiance or the whole person.

I think your idea of taking a step back and spending time with some friends is a good one. I’m sorry you are hurting!

Post # 14
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Coyaba Resort, Montego Bay

Constant negativity isn’t only hard to deal with, it is ANNOYING!  I hear ya.  I think your best bet is to find a therapist in your area and schedule a couple of visits.  Sometimes it helps to talk about things with 3rd party (like the bee!), but obviously a therapist would be able to better serve you! Good luck!

Post # 16
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@helpthisbee: If you’re feeling belittled, that deserve serious hesitation before you go forward with wedding planning. I agree with previous posters that you would have to see your crush (or anyone) in a negative or grumpy moment to be realistic, because the grass is always greener, but you should not feel as if you’re on eggshells around someone you’ll spend the rest of your life with. I know people who constantly forward political rant chain emails or try to one-up others in levels of fatigue, and it’s just ridiculous. I know I couldn’t be with someone who did that, and if it’s his personality then it’s unlikely to change. Please don’t stay with someone who makes you feel insecure or belittled, life is too short and you deserve a positive, happy person!

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